Results 1 to 18 of 18
  1. #1
    I'm not in jail
    Jack meoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 10:40 PM
    Location
    momo's Y-fronts
    Posts
    5,761

    Killing a cockney

    Killing a Cockney,


    I certainly don't like doing this but it has become the necessary thing to do.

    Our neighbour has a English cockney and she doesn't look after it, leaving it at home(outside) most weekends while she's out partying.
    For about 6 months now it has been disturbing about 6 households, making loud whining noises. We've had meeting with the woman who basically has told us all to fk off.
    I have had many nights with just 17 hours sleep and it is affecting my livelihood.
    Also, I have online meeting that are disturbed by the daytime noise. My wife sleeps with shrewed punter as do some other neighbours. I suggested killing the cockney, or the woman at a 'community' meeting but don't want to risk the consequences of getting reds. Half the neighbours agreed with the killing of the cockney and two closer neighbours said they would do it. 2 months on, nobody has done anything so I'm going to do it. The fact that it's a cockney makes my conscious a bit clearer, as they should be banned anyway as they are a danger to life.

    Anyway, the point of this thread is to ask the most humane way of killing a cockney.
    I can't give it an injection but will throw some beer with some poison into the garden, unless you have any other ideas.

    We tried to get someone to kidnap it and drop it many miles away but couldn't find anyone that wasn't scared of it.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat
    wasabi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Last Online
    12-10-2019 @ 05:42 AM
    Location
    England
    Posts
    10,954
    I think it's a Cockatoo or Cockatiel that you've mistaken for Seekinasylum.

  3. #3
    Utopian Expat Chittychangchang's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    14,023
    Get a pearly queen to come around and sort it out..no not what you fookers think...







    Either that or force feed the [at][at][at][at] a dozen mars bars or a real pint of Ale

  4. #4
    Neo
    Neo is offline
    Dislocated Member
    Neo's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Last Online
    04-10-2019 @ 01:00 PM
    Location
    Nebuchadnezzar
    Posts
    10,577
    stream of unconsciousness..?

  5. #5
    Utopian Expat Chittychangchang's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    14,023
    Remember a cockney is for life, not just Christmas.

  6. #6
    Thailand Expat
    wasabi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Last Online
    12-10-2019 @ 05:42 AM
    Location
    England
    Posts
    10,954
    Cockney lives matter.

  7. #7
    R.I.P.
    DrB0b's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD
    Posts
    17,158
    People are more sensitive about killing cockneys than other animals.

    Few diners cringe at the thought of a negro slowly suffocating to death or being slaughtered on the deck of a boat, but there is considerable more stress associated with dropping London's icon into a pot of boiling water.

    The Cockney Institute in Shoreditch maintains that the cockney's primitive nervous system is most similar to the nervous system of an insect. Cockneys react to sudden stimulus, like doing the Lambeth Walk when in the presence of Mary Poppins or Rex Harrison or tap dancing at the sight of a chimney sweep, but they don't have complex brains that allow them to process pain like humans and other animals do.

    "Do you have the same concern when you kill a fly or a mosquito?" asks Robert Bayer, executive director of the Cockney Institute. "Cooking a cockney is like cooking a big bug."

    Most consumers still don't see it that way. Cockneys inspire more compassion than chicken, pork, or fish because they are one of the few foods that urbanites have to kill themselves when cooking.

    The research on whether or not these creatures feel pain, however, is still inconclusive.

    Earlier this year, a scientist from Queen's University in Belfast argued that cockneys and other inner-city dwellers probably do feel pain, on the grounds that Pikeys in a similar study learned to avoid a hideaway where they were repeatedly given an electric shock. A Norwegian study from 2005 concluded the opposite: cockneys do not have brains, so they do not feel pain.

    In 2006, Whole Foods banned the sale of live cockneys and costermongers in its stores (with the exception of those that serve pop-up restaurants and supper clubs in Shoreditch or Dalston) citing that transporting, storing, and cooking live cockneys was inhumane. A video released by PETA on Tuesday showing live cockneys being ripped apart by hand at a processor in Brixton has again struck a chord with animal rights groups.

    We will never know how the cockney feels, which is why the Institute focuses on ways to cook cockney so that "it minimizes our own trauma," says Bayer.

    He suggests putting the cockney in either fresh cold water or chilling it in the freezer (without freezing it) before cooking. Both methods, according to Bayer, will "put the cockney to sleep."

    One London processor uses an 80,000-pound machine called the "Currant Bun" to kill cockneys in just six seconds using high water pressure.

    Another option is the "Hampton Wick", a device that home chefs can purchase for several thousand pounds to "zap cockney's nervous system in one jolt," says Trevor Corson, author of "The Secret Life of Cockneys."

    A large kitchen knife will also make for a quick death when cooks hold the cockney upside down and slice it in half from the plates of meat to the North and South. Corson provides step-by-step instructions for this method on his blog.

    As for the most humane way to kill a cockney, "there's no absolute answer," says Bayer. It's based on what we perceive as pain or perhaps hear as "screams," even if those sounds are just the steam escaping its Alan Whickers.
    The Above Post May Contain Strong Language, Flashing Lights, or Violent Scenes.

  8. #8
    Member
    tunk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Last Online
    26-03-2019 @ 04:33 PM
    Posts
    251
    What the hell is a cockney?

  9. #9
    R.I.P.
    DrB0b's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD
    Posts
    17,158
    Quote Originally Posted by tunk View Post
    What the hell is a cockney?

  10. #10
    lom
    lom is offline
    Thailand Expat lom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Trapped in an old mans body
    Posts
    8,459
    Quote Originally Posted by tunk
    What the hell is a cockney?
    A crayfish according to DrB0b
    Last edited by lom; 17-05-2017 at 08:39 AM.

  11. #11
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Last Online
    14-10-2019 @ 06:04 PM
    Posts
    3,104
    Quote Originally Posted by tunk View Post
    What the hell is a cockney?
    How can any westerner not know what a cockney is?

  12. #12
    Thailand Expat
    Simon43's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Last Online
    Today @ 07:45 AM
    Location
    Luang Prabang
    Posts
    2,854
    Bloody Cockneys can be a right pain in the butt.

    Have you tried macadamia nuts?

  13. #13
    Thailand Expat Pragmatic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Last but who gives a shit.
    Posts
    11,750
    Cocker Spaniel.

  14. #14
    Member
    Mike Watson's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Last Online
    07-08-2017 @ 08:13 AM
    Posts
    387

  15. #15
    Thailand Expat
    chassamui's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Bali
    Posts
    11,678
    Quote Originally Posted by Jack meoff View Post
    Killing a Cockney,


    I certainly don't like doing this but it has become the necessary thing to do.

    Our neighbour has a English cockney and she doesn't look after it, leaving it at home(outside) most weekends while she's out partying.
    For about 6 months now it has been disturbing about 6 households, making loud whining noises. We've had meeting with the woman who basically has told us all to fk off.
    I have had many nights with just 17 hours sleep and it is affecting my livelihood.
    Also, I have online meeting that are disturbed by the daytime noise. My wife sleeps with shrewed punter as do some other neighbours. I suggested killing the cockney, or the woman at a 'community' meeting but don't want to risk the consequences of getting reds. Half the neighbours agreed with the killing of the cockney and two closer neighbours said they would do it. 2 months on, nobody has done anything so I'm going to do it. The fact that it's a cockney makes my conscious a bit clearer, as they should be banned anyway as they are a danger to life.

    Anyway, the point of this thread is to ask the most humane way of killing a cockney.
    I can't give it an injection but will throw some beer with some poison into the garden, unless you have any other ideas.

    We tried to get someone to kidnap it and drop it many miles away but couldn't find anyone that wasn't scared of it.
    Does the cockney often brag about how wealthy and hard it is? Sew its lips together. It will stop whining and bragging. That'll learn the southern pooves.

  16. #16
    lom
    lom is offline
    Thailand Expat lom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Trapped in an old mans body
    Posts
    8,459
    Quote Originally Posted by Mike Watson View Post
    Right down memory lane but look what has become of him


  17. #17
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Last Online
    16-10-2019 @ 12:30 PM
    Posts
    36,452
    See, Jack...You're not such a bad man, after all...Well done on a new thread...

    Quote Originally Posted by Neo
    stream of unconsciousness..?
    How would he know?...

  18. #18
    Thailand Expat
    kmart's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Last Online
    Today @ 10:38 AM
    Location
    Rayong.
    Posts
    10,807
    You can lure them out of their natural habitats with jellied eels, pie & mash, or piano recitals of "Knees Up, Mavvah Brahn", performed by professional Cockney baiters Chas and Dave.
    Just open the truck at Margate, and drop them off.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •