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  1. #1
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    peterpan's Avatar
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    Experienced Advice from an EX

    Last week I met up with an old GF while she was on a stopover in BKK. Amonst many things we discussed our previous relationship which was based entirely on SEX, nothing else, she liked screwing as much as did I and she was bloody good at it. She paid me the compliment that since we broke up 30 years ago a good screw was a rare thing and we had a few laughs over some of her disasters.

    This morning she sent me this email:

    It has taken me 30 years of unsatisfactory sex to realize that men are clueless in bed and that my time will be much better spent pleasuring myself. I am aware that I will be spending a lot more money on AA batteries and I have come to terms with that. I will still be saving money, by not having to buy condoms.

    I just want to make it clear that it is not that I cannot have an orgasm, I have them all the time, just not with someone else in the room, it is just that guys do not get what it takes to get a woman off.

    For the other girls out there that have not become completely disgusted with the lack of sexual ability among men, I will lay out these rules for men to follow:

    1-Breasts are attached. They are a part of our body and grabbing them so hard that they are literally lifted from the chest DOES NOT feel good. It hurts.

    2-Nipples are sensitive. This means that sucking them is good. Gently holding one in your teeth while flicking your tongue across it is good. Some LIGHT biting is good. Biting them like you would a steak, all the while asking "how does that feel baby?"...not good. It fucking hurts.

    3-There are more to our breasts that the nipples and the entire breast would like attention too. Just make sure that you have read rule #1.

    4-Fingering is a multi step process. First off if a girl is not wet, don't try to stick two fingers up her. That will just hurt her. Make sure she is wet. If she is not, make out with her, play with her breasts a little and that should do the trick. Girls like the feeling of being fucked with a guy's fingers, but please make sure that your fingers are not all dirty, do not have hangnails, or anything else that can make us uncomfortable. Also, the majority of women do not have an orgasm from pentration. Now men, I know that this is a blow to your ego because most of you believe that you can get a woman off from a good hard fucking every time. The women are faking it, and yes, this has happened to every single guy. Every single one, you are not a sex god.

    5-The clit is a delicate thing. #5 will deal with fingering the clit. Oral sex will be talked about next. The clit is the center of a woman's sex life. We love our clits, they bring us lots of joy. If you are going to rub it, please keep that finger wet. Rub it gently. Remember that the more excited we get the more excited our reaction gets. That is not an invitation to start rubbing it harder, it means we love the way you are doing it at that time. Don't change it. Do not try to press into it super hard, or rub it out with the pad of your thumb. Nothing can make a girl turned off quicker than a pained clit.

    6-Oral sex should not be as dull as watching paint dry. Most girls loved to be eaten out. It is awesome when done properly. Lick the entire thing, but remember the clit is your friend. You want a girl to go crazy, alternate between her clit and the rest of her pussy. But...once she starts getting close, concentrate on the clit. It is okay if you want to take you fingers and spread her lips to fully expose the clit while your tongue works magic in it. Also, some girls like to have you fuck them with a few fingers right before they come, while you CONTINUE to lick their clit. Fucking a girl with your tongue will feel nice to her, but seeing again that the majority of women do not orgasm from pentration, we will not get off from it.

    7-Fucking is not a race. Sex is great, it feels wonderful. Even though I will not orgasm from sex, it still feels amazing. Take your time. I did not get a brazilian bikini wax and spend $100 on new underwear to have something that lasts for 3 minutes. I don't care if you are so worked up that you have to bust a nut. Think of something else, think of Rosie O'Donnell or your great Aunt Esther, or anything to calm yourself down and let us enjoy a good hard dicking. There should be a ten minute minimum and 30 minute maximum of pure fucking that is mandated by law. Of course there are days where a quick fuck is in order, or a marathon session is desired, but as a general rule, the above time frame works. We like it gentle and hard, but please do not fuck us so hard that our heads are banging into things. Concussions have no place in the bedroom.

    8-Variety is the spice of life. Sometimes us girls want to just be taken missionary style, sometimes we want to be your dirty girl that takes it from behind doggie style while you grip our ponytail with one hand and finger our ass with the other. Sometimes we want to take control and just ride you off into the sunset, sometimes we want slow Sunday morning side sex that is more for intimacy that sexual pleasure.

    9-Talk dirty to us. Call me you whore, your dirty little slut, tell me what you want-in detail. Tell me to suck your cock. Tell me play with myself as I lick your balls. If this kind of talk is broken out every once in a while as a surprise (and only in the bedroom), it can make things really hot.

    10-Don't be afraid to try new things with us. It is ok, if you want to ask me to do something to you that is not in the 'vanilla' sex rulebook. You want me to stick two fingers up your ass when I blow you, ask. You want to eat out my asshole as you jerk off then come all over my tits. Just ask. Just remember that girls like to get to know a guy before he breaks out his freakier side and that slightly freaky things should be exception sex. Meaning, most girls would be down with doing non-vanilla things every once in a while with a guy that she cares about a trusts. In fact, most of us get wet at the thought of having a little more freakiness every once in a while. So you want to stick an anal plug in me and move it in and out while we '69', just ask.
    There canít be good living where there is not good drinking

  2. #2
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    seen it b4, did ya tell her it goes both ways?

    ie. most women just dont get it right for guys either!?

  3. #3
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    I have learned the hard way that spanking her with the rubber chicken while shagging her from behind is not the go on the first root.

  4. #4
    better looking than Ned
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    each women is different in her needs and that is just one birds take
    some things that use to get my ex off would probably put my wife in hospital

  5. #5
    Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb
    Sir Burr's Avatar
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    My motto has always been "Well, it was great for me, so, to hell with you".

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by baldrick View Post
    I have learned the hard way that spanking her with the rubber chicken while shagging her from behind is not the go on the first root.
    WTF? no way? shit, is that wot i been doing wrong??


    besides it does beg the question/answer of ;

    how do u make a woman orgasm?

    Who cares?

  7. #7
    I am in Jail

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    BYOBP (bring your own butt plug)

  8. #8
    I am in Jail

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    What makes women think you are shagging them for their benefit?

  9. #9
    En route
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    Quote Originally Posted by shehiredahitman View Post
    What makes women think you are shagging them for their benefit?
    You beat me to it, I was going to say the OP is written as though she thinks we care.
    What's that old joke, Q: "how do you make a woman come" A: "Who cares".

  10. #10
    Part time poster
    slimboyfat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cujo View Post
    What's that old joke, Q: "how do you make a woman come" A: "Who cares".
    i like mrT / KW's version better.

  11. #11
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sir Burr View Post
    My motto has always been "Well, it was great for me, so, to hell with you".
    Yea, well I bet there is a long line of totty ready and willing to jump your bones Sir B
    Personally I like to see a well satisfied women, their ain't nothing like giving them a shag good enough to make them go wobbly at the knees.
    Although after a night on the piss I must admit its more like Wam, bam, Thank you Maam and then go to sleep after quickly wiping my todger on her panties.

  12. #12
    Balls to Monty
    Looper's Avatar
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    Half the fun can be seeing her getting excited so I might print a copy of that post and keep a laminated copy hanging by a piece of string from the bedpost as a quick reference - although its quite long so maybe I won't

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