Dating apps let us pair off by looks. That’s a disaster – as I found out
On the internet, attractiveness blots out other romantic criteria. That’s bad news for long-term relationships
Dating apps let us pair off by looks. That?s a disaster ? as I found out
I discovered this to my cost seven years ago, during my relationship with my daughter’s father. When we first met in a crowded pub, our mutual physical attraction was so powerful we didn’t notice that, other than sharing a profession, we had little in common. He liked art films, foreign literary novels and playing football: I preferred Hollywood blockbusters, comic fiction and going to watch stand-up comedy. He drank wine and was a seasoned traveller; I was teetotal and had never ventured out of Europe.
We weren’t even similar in character: he was adventurous, sporty, mentally stable and private, while I was risk-averse, sedentary, had an anxiety disorder and, as this piece would suggest, often used truths from my personal life to illustrate my journalism. When I had a major nervous breakdown, fell pregnant, put on weight, and we moved in together, our relationship broke down. We struggled along but split up before our third anniversary: we simply weren’t compatible enough to withstand serious difficulties.
Fascinatingly, it turns out that the longer two people know each other before beginning to date, the less important beauty is, and the more likely the partners are to differ in attractiveness. In one experiment at the University of Texas in Austin, researchers asked students to rate their classmates for desirability (including non-physical attributes) at the start of term, and after knowing them for three months. While students agreed who was attractive to begin with, their ratings at the end of term differed. Over a three-month period, personality had a powerful effect.
When looking for love, young people might do better to revert to the slower courtship rituals of past generations. After all, mutual beauty is a flimsy basis for a relationship. If, instead, a partnership is founded on shared hobbies and genuine friendship, it is more likely to be able to withstand the vicissitudes of life. Beauty always fades with time, but relationships need not fade with it.
I don’t regret my passionate but ultimately doomed romance — without it, our wonderful, sweet and hilarious five-year-old girl would never have been created. But I can’t help but think how much better it would have been if we’d been compatible as people, and if I were now married to the father of my child.
