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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
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    A dark knight in Little Whinging: a new year's tale

    Britain. Midwinter. England's rural south-east has been pared down to its barest and most atmospheric form. Many square miles of gently-swaying elm and oak and birch trees, all reduced to their skeletal structures, bereft of foliage save for a fleecy coating of moss.

    Beneath the forest roof, etched into the ailing layer of seasonal undergrowth, a series of small country lanes catch the afternoon sun. The lanes roll playfully in amid the copse: skirting streams, traversing rivers and ridges, plunging in unison with the county's contours.

    Upon the brow of one such ruck in the terrain, laboured breaths can be heard - and now the 'tick, tick, tick' of cogs gathering momentum, and the sound of spokes sluicing through the air with a resonating buzz.



    The cyclist is flying. He is also smiling. Indeed the cyclist is currently supping at a strong cocktail of which three parts are freedom, two parts are speed and a part each of solitude and serenity finish the formula. It is truly a splendid beverage. One which we should all partake of on a regular basis.

    With the prevailing wind at his back, the cyclist begins a brisk tack towards his home, flushing pheasants from threadbare thickets as he rides the breeze. Looking around he notes that how the sun - the last sun of the year - hangs heavy on the horizon. He looks at his watch. He hisses an expletive. The cyclist has mistimed his outing quite phenomenally. With only half and hour of sunlight remaining and 20 hilly miles to go, he curses his lack of forethought. No longer is our cyclist supping from a tall glass of freedom, speed, solitude and serenity - no, now our cyclist is taking large swigs of shite. With only an estimated five minutes worth of battery life in both front and back lights, the cyclist steps up the pace and wills the sun to stay put as he guns his steed north, north, north.

    And then it happens - all in five devastating seconds. Firstly, the backlight ceases to assist any further with the journey, and then, just to add salt into this already gaping twat of a wound, it starts to rain. And this isn't a polite shower. This is a spiteful South-East Asian-style deluge which sees the cyclist sodden down to his bare bollocks in seconds.

    No lights, busy main road, raining. A recipe for death, if there ever was one.

    But our cyclist, he's a canny individual. After nearly losing his entire right buttock to a passing post office van, he guides his bicycle into a forest, and with the use of the front light - whose beam was also beginning to diminish - and, due to having watched a hell of a lot of Ray Mears videos on Youtube this year, he employs his survival skills and instincts and starts to beat a path home.



    However, the cyclist soon discovers that carbon-fibre road bikes don't react particularly well with the fucking woods, and after several long and frustrating minutes of slipping, sliding and calling everything in his path a, and I quote here, 'a total kunt', he settles in for a filthy dirty slog through the wilderness, the rain showing no sign of let up.



    And eventually, that night at home.

    A nice warming bowl of red curry using the turkey leftovers.



    Our cyclist needed that. And at least 10 cans of strong lager.

    Happy New Year.

    Last edited by somtamslap; 01-01-2016 at 04:19 AM.

  2. #2
    I am in Jail
    Mr Earl's Avatar
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    Glad you made it home, happy new year.

    I'm going to have to download Scrotal Recall now!


  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Earl
    Glad you made it home
    It was touch and go for a minute there.

    Yet here I sit - three glasses of vino to the good and a belly fit to burst with the children's snack treats.

    Oh, and what's this? My refrigerator door currently boasts wall to wall Artois of the Stella persuasion. I shall have to indulge. I believe it's the law.

    And can someone please shut those fucking fireworks the fuck off.

    Check time of post.

  4. #4
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    Happy New Year Slaps, and more of them.

  5. #5
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    Glad you made it back after your detour down doggers lane.

  6. #6
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    Great tale, but may I say the ending felt rushed.


    You're not hiding anything are you? Dark woods, lonely trail, mid winter, Lyra shorts..... you didn't happen to meet anyone along the way? Sore buttocks perchance?

  7. #7
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    ^^ looks like withnall recognizes the place!

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Glad you made it back after your detour down doggers lane.
    Thought you'd spot that, withnall - you rude fucker. Anyway, shouldn't you be hungover or somet?


    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    say the ending felt rushed.
    Well spotted, William.

  9. #9
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    looks like withnall recognizes the place!
    I know slapper.

    The fat bastard has the moral compass of a serial bum raper - he is drawn to places like dogging lanes.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    looks like withnall recognizes the place!
    Well spotted again, William.

  11. #11
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    Two for two. I had better stop posting now.

  12. #12
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    I had better stop posting now.
    Well spotted again, William.

  13. #13
    POTUS HOCUS
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    A happy ending and a new beginning remember almost 50% of TD readers are of below average intelligence.

  14. #14
    R.I.P.
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    Quote Originally Posted by david44 View Post
    A happy ending and a new beginning remember almost 50% of TD readers are of below average intelligence.
    Yes, but the other 50% are above average. Which side are you on?

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by david44 View Post
    A happy ending and a new beginning remember almost 50% of TD readers are of below average intelligence.
    50%...

    You're being diplomatic.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by DrB0b View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by david44 View Post
    A happy ending and a new beginning remember almost 50% of TD readers are of below average intelligence.
    Yes, but the other 50% are above average. Which side are you on?
    Clearly primus inter pares tells me that I am above average.

  17. #17
    I am in Jail
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    Arrow

    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly View Post
    Clearly primus inter pares tells me that I am above average.
    That just an illusion, when you realize that you will stop infesting the forum with meaningless dribble.
    A doctor and medication might help.

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by thaimeme View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by david44 View Post
    A happy ending and a new beginning remember almost 50% of TD readers are of below average intelligence.
    50%...

    You're being diplomatic.
    No. He's being mathematic. I can see that post being the first of many this year to go above most poster's heads.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Earl View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly View Post
    Clearly primus inter pares tells me that I am above average.
    That just an illusion, when you realize that you will stop infesting the forum with meaningless dribble.
    A doctor and medication might help.
    Irony is nice for this time of year

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by david44
    A happy ending
    Well spotted again, William.

    Wait! You're not William.

    What the fuck's going on here?

  21. #21
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    Who was the dark knight, did he say Nii and where was the damsel?

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    Who was the dark knight
    It was actually a typo, William.


    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    and where was the damsel?
    The damsel was at home, on my computer monitor - and she boasted a neatly shaven twat and a massive pair of knockers. She also had a penchant for large root vegetables, but that's another story.

  23. #23
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    but that's another story.

    Don't stop there! I was only about 1 or 2 strokes from the vinegar stroke.

  24. #24
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    Indeed, the very mention of vegetables brought about a tremendous stirring in my underpants.

    Day off today.

    Massive carvery at local pub, washed down with a pair of Kronenberg. The rest of the day has been spent scoffing twiglets and children's chocolate bars.

    Alas, a day of flagellation awaits in the morrow.

  25. #25
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    Yes work ,the curse of the drinking classes

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