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  1. #1
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    Boffins reveal best and worst jokes

    The best and worst jokes have been revealed in a new study.

    Researchers at Oxford University studying the brain mechanism responsible for laughter observed the reactions of 55 undergraduates from the London School of Economics to a series of jokes.

    The students were asked to rate each joke from one, not funny, to four, very funny.

    The study found jokes involving two characters performed the best.

    Professor Robert Dunbar who led the research says: "The task of professional comics is to elicit laughs as directly and as fast as possible.

    "They generally do this most effectively when ensuring that they keep within the mental competence of the typical audience member.

    "If they exceed these limits, the joke will not be perceived as funny."

    Funniest jokes according to the study

    A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"


    Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."


    A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"


    China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.


    A man meets a prostitute. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not." He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and one at a time lays three one hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly. "Paint…my….house."


    Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."


    A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, "No, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "OK, coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"


    A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8.30!" He replies. "Why? What happened at 8.30?"


    It's the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. 'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.' 'This is incredible,' said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?' The neighbour says, 'Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.' 'Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible….But couldn't you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?' The man shakes his head. 'No,' he says. 'They're all at the funeral.'


    Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. 'So there is an afterlife! What's it like?' Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.' 'Oh, my God,' says Sid. 'So that's what heaven is like?' 'Oh no,' says Irv. 'I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park.'

    The worst jokes

    Two old actors are sitting on a bench. One says, "How long has it been since you had a job?" The other actor says, "Thirty two years – how about you?" The first actor says, "That's nothing. I haven't had a job in forty years!" The other one says, "One of these days we have got to get out of this business!"

    Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

    Animals may be our friends. But they won't pick you up at the airport.

    If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

    I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

    If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

  2. #2
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    david44's Avatar
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    I thought they were you and smeg

  3. #3
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    Fuck me, a vaguely coherent sentence; remembered your meds this morning?

  4. #4
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    Pogonophobia






    Pogonophobia is the irrational, persistent and often unwarranted fear of beards. The word is derived from Greek pogon (beard) and phobos (fear). Mothers often warn their daughters to “never trust a man with beard or facial hair unless he is Santa Claus”. In the United States, there has not been a president with a beard since the 1800s. The fear of beard or facial hair on other people can cause a great deal of anxiety to a Pogonophobic. This can severely affect his/her health and mental wellbeing.


    The phobia is known to affect thousands of people worldwide.

  5. #5
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    Cultural superlatives are not the cure towards what ails you...

    Look within.
    Humility.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by harrybarracuda View Post
    Fuck me, a vaguely coherent sentence; remembered your meds this morning?
    Aphonogelia is no laughing matter

  7. #7
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    The best jokes are marginally better than the worst. Didn't even raise a smile.

  8. #8
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    Merikan humo(u)r sucks

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by harrybarracuda
    Researchers at Oxford University
    That part's funny...

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