Last night was abound with mirth and merriment. The premium strength French lager beer flowed freely; the shots were ordered and an evening of appalling drunken behaviour ensued, culminating in a gargantuan lurch towards a fast food outlet, where I'm very happy to report a fight broke out. Oh how we gasped when the first blow was dispatched, and how we whooped with delight when the retort came in the form of a devastating head-butt, and how we shat our pants when the Turkish person behind the counter started sharpening his fucking samurai sword.
So that was last night.
Today commenced with that oh-so-familiar feeling of regret. I lay in bed, drifting in and out of consciousness, damning the pain which I had inflicted upon myself. With residual 1664 and rum still tracing my veins, I sought out my telephone which transpired to be stuck to my face and tapped out a text message, cc'ing it to my drinking companions: "Whoever ordered the shots last night is a twat!" Feeling a little better about the situation, thoughts quickly turned to food.
I staggered through the fug of rotten flatulence and five hours worth of boozy exhalations towards the kitchen where the only sustenance to speak of was the remnants of a badly eaten doner kebab. Bah! Foiled. I would have to go to the shop.
As far as hangovers go, this one barely registered a seven on the twat scale, but anxiety levels were ridiculously high - even Andrew Marr scared the shite out of me. I had to change over to the kids' tv channel where I sought solace in a My Little Pony double bill.
Curled into a foetal ball on the sofa I began the usual rules of conduct: feeling very fucking sorry for myself interspersed with bringing up large quantities of bile. Awful. I desperately needed to line my stomach, and food was a mile down the road.
A mile. A fucking mile! If anyone makes eye contact with me I shall surely die. So the sun glasses went on (on this cold and overcast late autumn afternoon) and the headphones were put in - and to sooth me, Bill Bryson on audiobook.
We did it Bill. We fucking did it, mate.
Is anyone else scared of the general public?
They fucking shit me up.