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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    I was strutting down the street...

    I'd just put in a hard hour down the gym and was feeling rather fucking pleased with myself. Jeans and t-shirt back on, I pop in the headphones, crank up the audiobook and strut down the road, cool as a fucking cucumber. I mean, I've got a real confidence about me; I am swaggering - at this moment in time, I'm walking the walk - I own this town.

    A wave of methane then traces its way through my intestines, and I cock a leg to part with one of the loudest farts I've ever heard - I mean I could hear the fucker over Bill Bryson's dulcet tones. I look behind me and less than a metre back is a beautiful girl suppressing a smirk.

    Suddenly I'm the smallest person on the planet, and after a meek apology I run home crying.

    Darn this perpetual flatulence.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat

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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    strutting
    Trouble began right here...

  3. #3
    Thailand Expat

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    Look on the bright side, Monty...You didn't shit yourself...Or her...

  4. #4
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BaitongBoy
    Trouble began right here...
    True. That'll teach me to be a ponce.

  5. #5
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    You sure know how to impress women with your Lynx and Goot aroma, she smiled at you.

  6. #6
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wasabi
    You sure know how to impress women with your Lynx
    You mean the dregs of a Sure Men Original roll-on - THE CHEAPEST DEODORANT IN ENGLAND. Oh, the shame! Oh, the shame of it all!

  7. #7
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    heres some ladies you might impress.


  • #8
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    Slaps you should have smiled back at her and fired another one off, its not like it could get any worse so just enjoy the moment

  • #9
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    Class. Pure class.
    That is all.

  • #10
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile View Post
    heres some ladies you might impress.

    These girls got game.

  • #11
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stinky
    Slaps you should have smiled back at her and fired another one off
    I'd already emptied the mag. It was a volley of very boisterous flatulence indeed.

  • #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Stinky
    Slaps you should have smiled back at her and fired another one off
    I'd already emptied the mag. It was a volley of very boisterous flatulence indeed.
    Well I'm sure you left a lasting impression anyway and that's what matters most

  • #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    and after a meek apology
    should have said 'Jees I gotta fix that' .might even impress.

  • #14
    POTUS HOCUS
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    I'd just put in a hard hour down the gym and was feeling rather fucking pleased with myself. Jeans and t-shirt back on, I pop in the headphones, crank up the audiobook and strut down the road, cool as a fucking cucumber. I mean, I've got a real confidence about me; I am swaggering - at this moment in time, I'm walking the walk - I own this town.

    A wave of methane then traces its way through my intestines, and I cock a leg to part with one of the loudest farts I've ever heard - I mean I could hear the fucker over Bill Bryson's dulcet tones. I look behind me and less than a metre back is a beautiful girl suppressing a smirk.

    Suddenly I'm the smallest person on the planet, and after a meek apology I run home crying.

    Darn this perpetual flatulence.
    Jim's exhaused and Jeffrey is devastated

    P.S well ridden them Lewis's chips in Newly keep you going forever used to root adjacent

  • #15
    ความสุขในอีสาน
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    Dirty basa I would never do anything like that :roll eyes:


    I was cycling home one night going like a train when I got up off the saddle and cracked one off you would have been proud of , when some bird overtook me on a racing bike as if I was standing still ,, as she passed me she said "

    " I'm glad the winds behind us !"
    I'm proud of my 38" waist , also proud I have never done drugs

  • #16
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    Think yourself lucky,if you drank another spoonful of water you would of shit yourself.

  • #17
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by billy the kid
    should have said 'Jees I gotta fix that' .might even impress
    I wish I'd plumped for 'any more choke and that would've started', but alas, humiliation got the better of me.


    Quote Originally Posted by david44
    Lewis's chips in Newly
    Chip overload could be part of the problem.


    Quote Originally Posted by nigelandjan
    I was cycling home one night going like a train when I got up off the saddle and cracked one off you would have been proud of , when some bird overtook me on a racing bike as if I was standing still ,, as she passed me she said "
    " I'm glad the winds behind us !"
    I like it, Nigel. A lot. More flatulence anecdotes please. They make me feel like less of an underpant thug.

  • #18
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    The kids think my botty burps are hilarious, inevitably long, loud and raspy. I always blame one of them since the dog passed on.
    I don't know any cyclist who does not raise his derrierre from the saddle in order to pass gas. Lumpy lycra is a dead giveaway.

  • #19
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    Walking farts.
    Be careful.


  • #20
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    So the isaan mating call doesn't work quite as well in the UK as it does in the boonies then? Maybe you should have accompanied the guff with a shot of ya dong, a smack around her chops whilst nobbing her sister?

  • #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by pseudolus View Post
    So the isaan mating call doesn't work quite as well in the UK as it does in the boonies then? Maybe you should have accompanied the guff with a shot of ya dong, a smack around her chops whilst nobbing her sister?
    Heh...


  • #22
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I cock a leg to part with one of the loudest farts I've ever heard
    Calling bullshit on this.

    Slapper farts like a baby girl.


  • #23
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  • #24
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    one of lifes lessons to be learnt, never crack one off whilst wearing headphones.

  • #25
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    A few versions of this around...

    The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

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