amazon reviews

[sunsetter]

found a few of these quite amusing , reviews ofeveryday products on amazon

first up, meths



Amazon.co.uk: Customer Reviews: Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml

[sunsetter]

2nd, veet hair removal, this particular paragraph had me rolling up

This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse barnacles had all but disappeared.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-revi...owViewpoints=1

He also said that looking up my whizzer every Saturday at 11:30 put him off his lunch, as he usually has toad-in-the-hole followed by chocolate-coated donuts as a Saturday treat.


more reviews welcome

[kingwilly]

Don't tell my husband...
When Gerard, my husband of thirty eight years, questioned my excessive use of Barrettine's Methylated Spirit, I told him that It's the most effective way to rid one's calligraphy brush of stubborn Indian Ink. However, if truth be known, the consumption of Barrettine is the ONLY effective relief I have found from this utterly nightmarish sham of a marriage. If only I could...
Read the full review ›

Divides opinion...
Based on the strong recommendations of a number of reviewers on the Amazon site, I recently took a bottle of 2011 Barrettine to a dinner party to which I and my wife had been invited. Handing the bottle proudly to our hostess with the obligatory box of Neuhaus chocolates, I was disappointed to see her somewhat frosty reaction. Assuming this was a judgment on the small...
Read the full review ›

[sunsetter]

the veet ones are making me cry with laughter mate


Picture the scene: a badly sunburnt, blistered and shaved Boris Johnson carries two red Space Hoppers accross the surface of Mars. This is an accurrate description of the current state of my genital region 3 weeks after a liberal application of this product. Seriously, my once proud Biggles looks more like the lone equine survivor of a fire at a donkey sanctuary.

On the positive side i can report the following unexpected benefits:
- My pain threshold has almost trebled
- I can now pass urine in 3 positions: standing, sitting and curled in a ball weeping.
- using a shammy leather and some wax I was able to polish up my ballbag enough to act as a signal for passing ships, saving me from certain starvation one time when i was stuck on a desert island.

It is due only to point 3 that this product gets 5 stars.

[sunsetter]

Although I understood the part about 'intimate use' I could not find anything about this not being for nose or ear hair. I get fed up with constantly cutting myself whilst trying to cut my ear and nose hair with a pair of Kitchen Scissors, so I decided that this product would work for me. I rubbed it up into my nostrils and around the outside of my ears. Very soon the burn started and trust me it really makes your eyes water. Probably more that if it was on your knob or bollocks like the other reviewer did. If your eyes do water, make sure the product is not on your hands when you go to wipe your eyes as this porodcut also removes eyelashes and eyebrows and makes youe eyes water even more. I look like I have been put on a sunbed for too long and people keep asking me why I am crying. Still, a good product which does what it says.

[sunsetter]

Been trimming the old fizz for a while now, always grows back quick, even on a close fly by with the trimmers!
My mates in the cafe rated it, , the wife rates it, I thought it's got to be good...

Based on that I bought a tube in my lunch hour, having an easy day, so I thought, I'll pop into the site loos and prep myself, surprise the wife tonight and we could both go bare bouncing together.

I did the job, pulled up my kit and washed my hands, thought I had time to spare walking over to the onsite showers...

The onsite showers hadn't been connected yet! This left the water butt way over the other side of the site by the cement mixers...

The site accident report states: ` for some unknown reason the carpenter stripped stark bullock naked running across site, he fell into the cement footings and broke his leg, before climbing out and sitting in the water butt. Unfortunately the brick layer thought he was about to be attacked by a frenzied grey slime coloured beast and smashed his trowel down flat on top of the carpenters head, knocking him unconscious.
The ambulance arrived and because of the carpenters pleading treated the scalded clangers first!
HSE to investigate for unknown harmful toxic substance on site.'

I only remember feeling that I was running ways from a fire reaching between my legs, I don't remember the fall into cement, I don't remember landing arse first into the water butt, I do remember being lifted out of the water and screaming to be put back in.

So, use this stuff only in the bathroom, with the bath already run and your wife standing with a watering can as back up.

My maraca's took five days to settle down, the bleached skin took on the blue dye from the cement retardant in the water butt and my wife won't go down on me, because she says I look like a miniature turkeys neck and can't stop pissing herself laughing until she gets hiccups!

This stuff does do what it says and a whole lot more!
6 out of 5

[sunsetter]

This product has changed my life immeasurably. At the tender age of 19 I was diagnosed with Genital Hypertrichosis, in lamens terms a devastatingly hairy Sargent and two Colonels. I'll never forget that cold winter morning when the doctor confirmed the news we had all been dreading. After years of wondering we finally knew, my shame was crippling. For over a decade I lived a lonely hermit life, with naught but my awful member and ball bag for company. My sack had the look of a fruit bowl abandoned in a humid room. The level of vegetation down there was in-conquerable with domestic or industrial shaving equipment, god knows I tried.

Then I discovered an advert for Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme. I ordered a tube before 2pm and to my excitement it was delivered promptly the next day. I ripped the packaging aside and held the product aloft. With blatent disregard for the guidelines on using the gel I began smearing like the wind all about my bishop and the boys. With my hands on my hips I stood in front of the mirror watching, weeping with anticipation. Within 3 minutes I began to feel a warm senastion about my coinpurse, by the six minute mark this had increased to a tremendous heat akin to having the Bobby and the twins placed on a boiling kettle. As hair started falling and drifting through the air like a winter storm I felt elated and frightened in equal measure. When the pain became unbearable I made a dash for the shower but passed out before I could get there.

I don't know how long I was down for, two maybe three days? When the pain finally subsided I returned to the mirror and there it was... The smoothest Kilroys and Silks I've ever seen. In time the 90% burns my nether region suffered will subside and I'll reintegrate myself into the public. Finally I'm like the rest of you.

This product gets 5 stars from me.

[sunsetter]

ive a bloody headache as ive been laughing so hard at these things

[sunsetter]

Like a lot of reviewers, I decided that a tidy up was in order after noticing Stephen and the twins looked not unlike Gandalf in a thunderstorm. Being somewhat worried about waving sharp blades near my gentlemens mechanicals, this stuff seemed like a good bet.
Should anyone wish to experience a similar level of pain, I suggest lowering your love spuds into a pan of boiling cillit bang, whilst getting a friend or colleague to roughly insert a pineapple into the suntanned cyclops using a six pound sledgehammer and a good run up.
On a positive note, it has removed all traces of hair. It has also removed any possibility of engaging in gentlemanly pursuits (singles or mixed doubles) for at least a couple of weeks. The Kids enjoy the amusing baboon impression dad now performs everytime he sits
down though.

[sunsetter]

As a mid-20s relatively athletic male, but with very dark hair and surface coverage of this to rival a Wookie from Star Wars, I understand the supposed importance of baby smooth skin and properly trimmed hair on the dating scene. I have previously tried trimming, shaving and waxing various areas of my body to no real long term avail, and so was very intrigued when I heard about Veet hair removal creme and decided to try it at the first possibly opportunity.

Having bought this in a shop and not online, I did not have the opportunity to read other people's reviews of this product, and so upon glancing briefly at the instructions when I opened it assumed that the instruction not to apply to ones nether-regions was just being overly cautious. In fact this seemed to be almost a challenge, and being blessed with hair so long you could plait it 8 weeks after its cut fighting to escape my crack this seemed to be a fantastic idea, not to mention the added length I could gain round the front.

With this impeccable logic in place, the first thing I did was to ignore the warning and liberally coat my gentleman's fruit basket and crevice with the creme and wait for the desired effect. After 4 minutes however I realised, in part, the beginning implications of my mistake. It felt as though fire ants had taken up residence in the area and were now at war, and I had tears of agony rolling down my face. At 5 minutes it felt like I had painted my scrotum in a mixture of meat juice and napalm and then dipped them lovingly into a ravenous piranha tank, and by 5 minutes 58 seconds I was positively deranged and on the verge of blacking out.

As an additional note to anybody who wants to use this crème, it should be strongly advised to only use it when next to the shower. You may find otherwise, like I did, that someone else, with impeccable timing, will decide to use the bathroom at this critical time and force you to take alternative drastic action.

In this particular case 13 seconds after the 6 minute mark I was sitting navel deep in a steamy, watery soup of foam, suds, smouldering flesh, and gravy, with my feet on the draining board and my then girlfriend screaming dementedly at me. Apparently charging wildly into the kitchen whilst bellowing at the top of your voice like a mountain gorilla with its toe caught in a mousetrap, and then cannonballing arse first into the sink whilst your girlfriend is doing the washing up is considered inappropriate behaviour, and can be quite disquieting for a poor girl. She did later however admit she was impressed with the polished red hue my rear iris was emitting as it flashed past her vision like a marine distress flare on the back of a speeding truck.

This experience however has taught me 3 sure things in life:
1. God and the universe has a sense of humour
2. Instructions should always be followed, and not regarded as a challenge
3. If you want your plums, tadger and canyon to be smoother than a greased billiard ball, but twice the size, luminous red and 5 times more sensitive use this crème without listening to point 2.

I am giving this product 4 out of 5 stars, as whilst it does do exactly what is says on the cover, (and more), I am docking it 1 star as the girlfriend and love-spuds I once knew and treasured have all but disappeared, and for the first 2 days after I could not sit down without screaming.

[sunsetter]

this one i was actaully crying with laughter by the end


This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
I have always been rather blessed with the hair around my beef thermometer and knackers which in my youth was a rich mahogany hue, with a hint of curl forming a garden arch around my tackle but over the years, whilst the hair on my head has remained largely unchanged my groin and happy trail has somewhat degraded. Now in my twilight years it has faded to resemble dumbledores beard, which although uncanny in its resemblence is a bit of a mood killer when I get the love wand out for the wife so on a whim I decided that the only solution was to go back as nature intended and expelliarmus my thatch.

I first bought a competitors product to perform the aforementioned task and adhereing strictly to the 6 minute rule I washed off to find not a single short and curly had been removed. I subsequently took another stab this time leaving the product on for 30 minutes and apart from my wifes hilarity at comparing me to a lifesized banana split I had no more success. Clearly I needed something more radical for my solution. It was then that a former friend pointed out the reviews on this product and suggested I give it a try. I read most of the reviews but considering my lack of success with the previous product assumed that my pubic beard was made of stronger stuff. Not dissimilar to supermans hair that suspends the half ton weight.

I rushed out to buy the product from my local chemist and paid little heed to the fact that it was in a locked cabinet with the perscription grade medicines and also ignored the pharmacists questions when supplying me the gel. With hindsight I should have listened when he warned me to take great care during application not to get this anywhere! I thought it was hyperbole I didn't think he meant it!

With the ball and chain at work I thought I would suprise her with a hairless chain and balls and set to work. The cream/gel applied easily with a rather pleasant soothing effect, I placed a towel on my leather sofa and sat down to watch bargain hunt whilst the magic cream worked. After a short while I noticed a warming sensation not unlike the effect of putting tiger balm on a sprain. this should have been my third warning as anyone who has ever put tiger balm on and then accidentally got it on any sensitive area will know the pain is unlike anything you will have ever experienced, unless you've tried veet on your taters!

The heat increased exponentially and what started out as a warming sensation became a full blown inferno on my crotch and had me sitting forwards huffing, puffing and sweating as tried to resist the tempation to wash it off and let the full 6 minutes pass. The heat, pain and smell of barbequed beef increased so quickly that I went into a panic and launched off the sofa towards my staircase however being sweaty and having laminated flooring throughout I slipped and slid across the floor like a fantasia elephant, stark bollock naked with only cream hiding my old chap right in front of my lounge window looking out onto my cul de sac, hit the wall and fell to the floor. After seriously damaging my knee in the impact I was now unable to climb the stairs and was struggling to get off the floor due to the cupious amounts of blood and sweat that was now coating the floor beneath me.

Worse was yet to come as by now the sweat on my crotch had started to spread the cream and it was slowly but certainly creeping its way between my pressed hams and it was only a matter of time before it hit my chocolatier. In a final act of desperation I dragged myself across the floor, launched crack first at the tropical fish tank and passed out!

I awoke to find my wife standing in the living room in disbelief staring at her stark bollock naked husband, melted sofa and towel, laminate which was slowly fizzing under the remains of my pubic sweat, blood and veet and about £200 worth of dead tropical fish and a busted tank. My yoghurt slinger now looks like a massive overblown red jelly bean, where my danglers used to be is a pouch of skin that looks like santas sack and the boys have disappeared so far up inside me they are featuring on crimewatch next week under missing persons! The shame of my silver brilo pad has been replaced by an inability to walk straight or stand for any period of time. I now talk with a scottish twang in my accent to explain why I am suddenly wearing kilts all of the time. My wife (now ex) has been sectioned with PTS syndrome and I now refuse to take my clothes off infront of anyone, mirrors or in fact any reflective surface in case I offend myself or anyone else with my convincing impression of kuato and hellboys lovechild.

On the plus side I am now hairless but it seems like a heavy price to pay!

[Bangyai]

All pretty funny....nice find.

[sunsetter]

Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: Chef'n Bananza Banana Slicer

banana slicer reviews