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Thread: Peace invaders

  1. #1
    Hangover Street
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    Peace invaders

    How to deal with them?

    Sabotage their electricity supply???

    You know the kind.

    People whose idea of fun is sitting around a boom box, and disturbing the peace of others in the flats around them with their computer generated bass shite.

    UK society is great...

    Adolescent girlzzzz dreaming of reaching 18. Getting pregnant. Claiming benefit. Holding all night parties with their mates in their council sponsored flat, and keeping the foking people who pay for it all awake all night.

    Grrrrrrrrr...

  2. #2
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    Are you living in a council flat now Smeg?

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    ^ That's not Smeg.

    BTW, have you tried calling the police?

  4. #4
    befuddled
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog View Post
    BTW, have you tried calling the police?
    You can't get through to them since they've reformed. Sting's bloody hopeless anyhow, always drunk.

    Interesting point that loud music from a distance all sounds the same. My upstairs neighbours often keep me awake with such a noise. I may mention as we pass in the hallway. Personally I use headphones. Very important not to join in with the songs when wearing headphones.
    Back off Margaret, you're on a sugar rush!

  5. #5
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    iPods and their ilk don't give off the same annoying buzz that Walkmans used to. I hated being next to someone on the train with a Walkman. I'd always be trying to work out what song was playing and would often have to get off at the wrong station and follow the person home it used to bug me so much. I could have just asked, but I'm British and we don't do that type of thing.
    Last edited by danbo; 15-02-2007 at 03:38 PM.

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    Another way is to nick it and run like fcuk.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hangover Street
    How to deal with them?
    Poke yer ears with a sharp stick

  8. #8
    Hangover Street
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog View Post
    ^ That's not Smeg.

    BTW, have you tried calling the police?
    Neighbours and I tried that. They came, told them to turn it down, left, and they turned it up again.

    Great stuff!

    Any poison experts around?

  9. #9
    Tonguin for a beer
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    Get some bolt cutters, find the electrical distribution panel, cut the lock and drop their curcuit breaker off. It should be marked but if not turn all of them off and have a friend relay via cell phone which one is yours to leave on. take another lock with you to lock it so they can't turn it back on.

    Failing that take a green tree branch and throw it over the power lines from the second storey.
    Fahn Cahn's

  10. #10
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    Does the deaf bastard own a car? If so, you don't need to risk being seen by going near to it because you can let them do the foul deed themselves. Buy a bottle of oil additive, mix in some grinding compound, and then send it to the moron as a free sample.

    Or, hook up an air-horn or some other self-contained noise device in bushes near the target's home. Run a fishing line between the unit and a concealed place. Pull on it until the target appears, and stop until he goes back in. Can be bewildering at 3 a.m.

    Or, as dried strawberry leaves smell like fruity marijuana when burned, burn a few a few minutes before the bibs arrive at his door.

    Or, fill a record album cover with a concoction of dye and shaving foam, place the open end part-way under the Vark's door, stamp and beat a hasty retreat.

    Or, ever had a garage sale, or been to one? They're incredible, and they seem to bring out the worst in most people. Even as a thick-skinned, terminal misanthrope, you will be awed at the gall of some people who pound on your door at 6 in the morning to get a head start on the garage sale you announced to be starting at eight. Now let's have a garage sale at Vark's residence, shall we? Or better still, how about having it in his name but at a neighbour's address? List bargains galore in your advertising, and let people know you are emigrating and have dozens of inexpensive antiques, old china, glassware and other goodies.

    Btw, a 'Please Give Blood' sign in your front window will make JWs think twice about knocking.

  11. #11
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    ^
    Amusing as it may be, none of this will solve the noise issue.
    Got to get to the source, either cut some exposed wires - a temporary solution, or get into the flat when they're out and 'disable' the device - there's a certain degree of skill and risk involved with this one, but not unfeasable, specially if there are a few of you pissed off enough.

  12. #12
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    I'm sure there are others who are as miffed as you in the neighborhood. Get an angry mob to show up at their door next they play that noise and see what happens.

  13. #13
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    [quote=Hangover Street;257440]
    Quote Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog View Post
    ^
    Any poison experts around?

    If your neighbors are dogs there's been some useful stuff posted on this forum. Otherwise we can't help you much!

  14. #14
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    A dog can't help barking, though the instinct to bark can be controlled, but only if its owner knows how. If the owner doesn't have a clue the dog will continue to bark. In such cases, the owner should be your target, since he is responsible for not taking care of the creature. Would you batter or poison a child if it cries? Unfortunately some do!

    But enough with philosophy, if he does have a dog and you feel an urgent need to dish out some therapy, try pouring fake blood over the dumb shit's dog...or better still, if you do not have access to the dog, the dumb shit's dog's shit.

    Or, spray it an outrageous combination of punk hues, which can be difficult to remove if you use the right stuff. It won't be hurt or left with a complex, and will probably think it's a game. I mean, what do they care what colour they are, anyway?

    Or, kidnap the mutt. Take it to a fancy grooming shop for the works. Give them his details, and ask them to call 'you' when it's done.

    Or, if the jerk's too stuck up to care for a dog, you can billpost or place an ad in his name offering $10 for stray animals, to be used in authorised lab experiments.

    Or, insert a classified ad for his car, pricing it at significantly below its market value and instructing callers to call only between midnight and 4 a.m., due to shift work schedules. You might also mention in the ad that quick cash is needed for an emergency, which is also guaranteed to bring in the calls.

    Or, if he has a car, take some packs of biscuits and crumble them into tiny, birdseed-sized bits. Now scatter them over the unattended vehicle, roof and bonnet, and birdseed or bread crumbs will do nicely. This is a perfectly equitable exchange situation, in which the little darlings eat the crumbs, then drop something in return on the mark's car. It's an excellent recycling venture too, and efficient, as it takes you about a minute to pull it off and about an hour for moron to clean his birdie dumping ground. Repeat as necessary.

    Or, if you find a dead cat or dog, dress it with a collar, attach one end of a leash to the collar and the other end to the bumper of the pest's car, and slide the corpse under the car. Vark'll probably not spot the planted animal; after all, who looks under their car before driving off? So, expect him to proceed, dragging it all over town, or at least until a traffic cop or some outraged citizens stops him. With a bit of luck it'll be noticed by an animal liberationist...

    Or, a nice one confirmed as used on more than one occasion...Sprinkle sugar near his car's fuel cap; then leave an empty sugar bag carelessly discarded nearby. Now, what would you do if you suspect that sugar has been poured into your petrol tank? Do you risk causing expensive damage, by driving the car to a mechanic? Do you pay for a mechanic to come out and drain the tank completely and flush it clean before next starting the engine? Do you just ignore it, assume it's a prank, and then drive off, with your neck muscles bunched tightly against the headrest and teeth clenched, waiting for that lovely sound of the engine cough, hissing, missing and dying, never to restart? This form of therapy is nice because it encourages rational thinking on the part of the vehicle's owner.

    Or, treat yourself to a fish. Remove the hubcap from your mark's car, stuff the cadaver into the cavity, then replace the cap. Don't fret, it won't smell too bad, yet.

    Or, if you feel he ought to know somebody's pissed off, fill a garbage can with water and/or noxious substances. Lean it against his front door, ring the bell and leg it.

    Or, if you happen to know where the fluffer works, call his employer or spouse claiming that he has made sexual advances to your child. Tell them you do not want the police involved, because you cannot bear the thought of your child being subjected to all sorts of investigations and a trial. You just want it stopped. This can have a wonderful effect on the rat's standing with his family and colleagues. One other thing, make sure you have a good escape plan.

    Or, if you know that he leaves home for work before the first post arrives, or if he is away for a few days, write him a torrid love letter. Use a scented envelope, and mail or have it re-mailed from a city or place that he visits regularly. Not one wife in a hundred could resist opening it, and is guaranteed to get his nuts cracked.

  15. #15
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    Keda, those are some creative ideas!

    How about...

    Use those irritating stuffer cards in magazines to sign them up for subscriptions. You don't even have to buy the magazines -- just pluck them out of the ones on the rack at the supermarket.

    Send in a membership to one of those Columbia House or BMG Record clubs. Order a dozen horrible CDs to begin with, then they'll get cards for the Selection of the Month until they can push through the bureaucracy to cancel the membership.

    Ha!

  16. #16
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    That's item 432 of 'Get Personal', as usual with kind permission of the author:

    432 - When you next get a set of commercial catalogue cards with hundreds of rip-out order forms, fill each one with Vark's particulars and send them off. Better still, just have some labels printed with his name, address and telephone number. You can get 1,000 for about nothing. - In some magazines you will find just a single pre-paid card with a load of numbers on it, each corresponding to a particular advertiser. All you need to do here is circle loads of numbers and post the card; the company dealing with these customer response forms will either send out the junk mail themselves or pass on details to each individual advertiser. Either way, Vark gets the lot!

    If you like mail mayhem, try:

    002 - Send homosexual love letters from target to public figures.

    009 - Mail order firm got to you? Stick a pre-paid postage sticker or envelope on a package of bricks, rocks or earth, and they will automatically be billed for postage.

    014 - If you have Vark's credit card details, order prohibited goods from the U.S.A or Europe by mail order in his name at his address. Oh, and don't forget to inform the relevant authority.

    072 - Want to get even with some really rotten brother who killed your rat? For this one, as with all other close-quarter actions where you may be recognised by Vark, you will need an accomplice. Once the roles are sorted out, scratch your head and look generally lost as you approach the mark with a notepad. On it should be drawn a rather crude map of the area. Ask his directions, during which you hand over the pad, allowing him to examine it and point out where you are and direct you accordingly. Thank him, being careful but not obvious to retrieve the pad by its cover as he hands it back, and off you go. Now carefully remove the bottom page of the pad; you know, the one you haven't touched but which the moron had touched and left his fingerprints. Next, visit a library to use their typewriter to type a note on the shit-sheet, threatening to assassinate the Prime Minister, plant a bomb or whatever. Keep the note calm, brief and obviously written by someone who knows his subject, in this case explosives and weaponry (see the relevant part of Up the System!). It won't take long. The intelligence services don't like threats, especially from people who seem to know what they are doing, and the fingerprints will soon lead them to his door. Don't you believe otherwise. As a bonus, imagine if he happens to be genuinely involved in illicit activities. Your mark will be visited for the proverbial early morning exchange of pleasantries, or perhaps even at work, arrested as a precursor to a generally rotten time before charges are dropped. But still, he is going to end up on God knows how many more official shitlists.

    074 - Put company A's junk mail into company B's business reply envelopes, and vice versa.

    091 - Send a 'get well' card to target's spouse after he/she has died.

    099 - Insert classified ads with photo of target and attractive claims in contact and other esoteric magazines. Now send copies to his family and associates.

    104 - Order mail order books and courses for your target, with embarrassing titles and content. Be generous; after all, you're going to charge it to his credit card, right?

    145 - Buy a super sexy bra or panties. Place it in an envelope, together with a note from Vark on the lines of, "...we were both high and horny, and must have missed this." Now send it to a fictitious girl at a non-existent address, after which in due course it will be returned to sender. Wives and girlfriends don't go much on this sort of thing.

    147 - Send your target a voodoo trinket. Each time you complete an action, send another. If at some time you decide to end hostilities, send him just one more. This will keep him on edge, waiting, waiting, wondering, stewing over what might happen next, where and when. Remember: mental torture leaves no visible scars.

    162 - Write a nice letter to the Direct Mail Association (appendix), and ask to put your target's name on their master list.

    174 - Had it to your nostrils with unsolicited junk mail? Well, McNasty's back to inform us that the larger mailing outfits use automatic letter openers, like on an assembly line. So he puts a little fine sand into each envelope before sealing it, and then mails the prepaid envelope back to them. The machine slits the envelope, and the sand dumps out and into the mechanism. Works every time.

    178 - If the moron happened to find somebody dumb enough to love him, send him a perfumed birthday or Valentine's Day card signed by a woman, with the usual reach-for-the-pecker-cutters letter.

    179 - At companies where incoming mail is centrally opened and routed, address embarrassing mail and contents to target.

    182 - Purchase some airline insurance in your target's name. Enter a third party woman as the beneficiary. Photocopy, and let target's spouse find it.

    187 - Refuse to pay taxes and you're likely going to wind up with a hefty fine or in prison. But you can always strike back at revenue agencies by forcing them to waste time, manpower and other resources chasing down fictitious non taxpayers. The technique is simple: file fake returns on fictitious people, or on behalf of others on your shitlist. The secret here is to prepare the tax return in such a way as to plausibly call for a refund.

    193 - Print up a 'preferred customer discount' voucher for a hefty discount off at massage parlour, in target's name, but at neighbour's address.

    218 - Distribute a job-hunting letter in target's name, stating the reason for him looking for a new job as homosexual advances by his present boss. That's right, you're getting there, now send a copy to his employer.

    222 - Respond to prisoner requests for pen pals, using target's name and address. You can find loads of these ads in Easy Rider and other biker-oriented magazines.

    230 - Compose a fake Health Department report to notify the target that an AIDS victim reports having had sex with target. Request target to report to the Department of Health, along with any of his regular partners. Better still, mis-address the letter to a neighbour.

    235 - Get the address of Radio Peking, Radio Havana, or Radio Pongyang (lazy bastards can refer to appendix). Write them a letter in your target's name, praising their service, communism, etc. These radio stations are delighted to read such letters over the air, and GCHQ, the overly paranoid communications snoop-station at Cheltenham monitors all broadcasts. Ideal for placing targets on several new lists. "Dear Radio Peking [Havana/Pyongyang], I listen to your station whenever I can. It is refreshing to hear some truth being told of the Western propaganda that dominates all of the media over here in the UK. I am arranging my affairs over here, after which I shall be free to come over and help your diligent work against the Capitalist Pigs. Yours faithfully, Mr T. Arget."

    237 - A recently bereaved Vark is often at his most vulnerable. A truly debilitating manoeuvre over about a month would be to send him or her a stream of wreaths, 'get well' or 'wish you were here' cards, either anonymously or, in one known case, purporting to come from the deceased herself! Just as well there's no law against morbidity or plain bad taste, yet.

    243 - Make up some business cards using your target's name but a neighbour's address. Send them off in response to sleazy ads, or distribute in gay bars.

    279 - Lousy meal? Waiters surly and unresponsive? Could they do with some fine-tuning and general manner modification? Management adopting a callous attitude? Guests embarrassed? Wonder why you chose that dump in the first place? Fear not. An increasing number of restaurants now do a promotion where they locate a large bowl, usually in the men's loo or by the front door, into which they encourage people to drop their business cards. Periodically, the restaurant management draws one of the cards, calls the person and informs him that he just won a complimentary lunch or dinner for two. A fine PR ploy, and tends to encourage repeat business by that most potent form of advertising, word of mouth. In fact, it's such a good idea that you might find ways to improve on it. Next time you go to such a restaurant, take a card from your wallet, reach into the bowl, palm a handful of the cards already in the bowl and remove them. Nobody will notice; after all, who would think that you may be stealing business cards? Now go home or to some other sanctuary, and call the first ten or twenty 'winners'. Inform them that they have won a free meal for two, or four, at their favourite restaurant. They will of course remember dropping their card into the bowl. For a while, your target restaurant will enjoy heaps of good feelings from their even more loyal than before customers, although these feelings will rapidly migrate when the first fifty people show up to claim their free meals. The management will have two basic options: (a) Risk the potential backlash of turning away the customers, in which case they risk mob vengeance, or at least loss of business by those and friends of those who believe the management have indulged in sharp practice by attracting customers with a free meals offer, and then reneging. (b) Honour their obligations, in which case you can invite all your friends to drop by for the freebie. Go for it. Grab what's troubling you, and make it sit up and listen.

    383 - Run a classified ad in a gay newspaper or magazine, to grandly announce that the mark has come out of the closet, and is proud of it. Don't forget to include the fact that he married only for cover. Of course this is libellous, and of course I'm only joking.

    384 - Make copies of the above ad, and send them to the fairy's neighbours, friends and family. You might enclose a brief note of revulsion that good people could even know such a pervert. Offer your prayers for them.

    386 - Obtain a copy of a death certificate. Fake the target's name and send it to the Department of Social Security. This is guaranteed to cause him a bucketful of inconvenience once their computers delete him.

    408 - "My young son has been molested by Mad Mark, who lives at 69 Rock Spider Close, telephone 012-345 6789. He works at Norman's Knackery as a rotten meat sniffer. His work phone number is 0192-123 4567. This terrible man knows that I have found out about his behaviour with my son, and has threatened to do nasty things to me and my family if we expose him. I am a single mother and have had to move where hopefully he will never find us, but I am terrified that he will molest other children in the neighbourhood. Please can someone stronger than me stop this maniac. He told my child not to tell what happened otherwise his mummy would be taken away and he would never see her again, just like his daddy. He has already threatened to have his way with my other two children, one of whom has just left kindergarten, and boasts that he would never go to prison because he knows the law and I would never be able to prove anything. He has obviously done this sort of thing before and will continue to do it until he is stopped. For God's sake, keep your children away from this man. Someone PLEASE stop him." Releasing this could cause untold harm, and of course we're only looking at the fantasy of getting personal, so forget you read it.

    421 - Those 'customer comment cards' that nobody ever fills out must surely be useful for something. Why not send in a real horror story on one. Better still, write a dozen. Or don't write any at all; just take the lot and drop them in the post; after all, guess who's paying the bill for delivery? It can be pleasingly antisocial, or at least gratifying to take an entire stack of cards and simply drop them into a mailbox, blank. Off they'll go at twenty something plus eighteen pence surcharge - each! Imagine how much fun you could have with a million! - On the other hand, if you have nothing better to do than fill them in, use different names and addresses. Tell them you saw insects around the fruit and veg, that the manager has a bottle of Scotch under the counter or that their burgers are mangy. The last of these is the easiest to believe; truth usually is. And anyway, staff turnover at most of these establishments is so high that someone's head is bound to roll, if anyone ever bothers to read the little darlings.

    550 - Get a newspaper, cut out a death notice or article about an unsolved murder. Send it anonymously to Vark, together with a letter describing how much fun it was to kill the person in the article. You might also send him a series of lists, with his name getting higher each time. By the way, this is very illegal.

  17. #17
    Hangover Street
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    Thanks for all the advice.

    Especially the electricity sabotage. I'll look into it and try not to get electrocuted.

  18. #18
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    Hilarious!
    Glad I'm on keda's good side at the moment.

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    That wus during my fiesty left-leaning days.

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    Jesus Chrysler Keda! That shit's evil

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    Crap; the serious stuff got me arrested, twice.

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    Its 2.30 AM and one block away we are "entertained" with a Chinese new year party. All night we have had Chinese wing ting music played at FULL VOLUME through speakers set up out side their house. Now the morons are playing Hong Kong gangster movies, again at full volume. They are all sitting outside watching this stupid bloody movie, oblivious to the fact that its keeping me, my kids and many others awake.
    Ignorant fvckers
    There canít be good living where there is not good drinking

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    Quote Originally Posted by peterpan View Post
    Its 2.30 AM and one block away we are "entertained" with a Chinese new year party. All night we have had Chinese wing ting music played at FULL VOLUME through speakers set up out side their house. Now the morons are playing Hong Kong gangster movies, again at full volume. They are all sitting outside watching this stupid bloody movie, oblivious to the fact that its keeping me, my kids and many others awake.
    Ignorant fvckers
    Gong Xi Fa Cai!

  24. #24
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    had the same problem with the Hispanics neighbors here !!!!

    I just waited till the next time they had their little party blasting the music till 4 am while they got nice and drunk

    then early the next morning i took my panasonic tower speakers out on the porch & already have Bose out door speakers mounted to the out side of the house-- pointed them at the neighbors house and CRANKED IT UP ON FULL VOLUME--- LOADED UP THE JET SKIS AND WENT TO THE LAKE FOR THE DAY WITH THE FAMILY

    should have seen their faces when they realized we were gone all day !!!

    seems to have solved the problem for the most part but the house is a rental so i have had to repeat this process a couple of times over the years

  25. #25
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    A couple of more ideas for modification as required:

    068 - If you prefer remote techniques, like when you are remote from your target, carefully unwrap a (small) chocolate egg. Lop off the top and scoop out its filling. Now refill with shit, vomit or some other noxious substance. Replace the top and seal the egg. Now, people tend to nibble at large eggs, right? - but they pop the small ones, right!? Adds new meaning when you tell someone to eat shit.

    069 - Edward Y, a self-confessed avenger from Hendon, also claims to be a hard-core practical joker. One incident he recalls is when the manager of a cinema offended his girlfriend by telling them off for snogging in the back row. Of course, this type of conduct went out in the seventies, but so what? - they weren't doing anyone any harm. Anyway, Ed decided to return to the same cinema a couple of weeks later, this time armed with a large jar of live moths secreted on his person. Soon after the feature began, he released the creatures, all of which flew directly into the beam of the projector and stayed and stayed and stayed....

    070 - At a theatre, the same little dears will make their way on-stage...ever seen Shakespeare performed by swatter-wielding actors?

    077 - Cut out some aluminium foil in the shape of a gun, and slip it into Vark's luggage at the airport. If you're feeling real mean you could also plant drugs on him at the same time. They will be found; trust me.

    085 - If your Vark's car has a lockable petrol cap, make a note of the model, and buy a similar one. Then break open or pick the original lock and replace it with the new one. Or switch the keys, if you have access to his. Now, guess when he'll discover he has a problem?

    086 - Or, as that concerned citizen we spoke about earlier, you could of course dab a drop of superglue into his petrol cap's lock, just to make sure that if anyone steals the car they won't get too far.

    089 - Loosen the target car's wheel nuts, place a dab of superglue on the threads, re-tighten the nuts, and pray the airhead doesn't have a puncture on a bleak and miserably wet remote country lane in the early hours.

    092 - Crappy landlord? Leaving soon? Oh well, the world moves on so why shouldn't you? But before you go, at least consider a parting gesture. Start by removing the face of all electrical sockets in that derelict hovel he conned you into renting, and use a funnel to pour into the cavity sugar, honey or other attractions to God's littler creatures; bits of fish are nice too, and they're dead anyway. Live worms or cockroaches may be purchased from a pet shop (see Resource List), for relocation to their new home. Now replace and superglue the covers back into place. They will be nice and comfy back there, multiplying like thieves in Westminster, and just as easy to get rid of.

    xxx - A variation on the previous item is to push a butane lighter into the exhaust pipe with a stiff wire, until it falls into the manifold box. Five or six is even more effective, I am told, except that the petrol tank may blow and you don't know who else may be in or near the car, and what's the point of doing away with Vark anyway if by letting him live you can make his life a misery?

    xxx - Store pissed you off? Not quite shoplifting can be good for a laugh, especially in supermarkets and stores where the dicks stick out like virgins at an orgy. You could wear a baggy coat or clothing into the shop or store, find the dick and start acting suspicious. Put some goods into your pockets, engaging shifty eyes for maximum effect. The idea now is to walk around the store a lot, and maybe do some real shopping. It's important that you don't fall about laughing each time reflective surfaces show the dick slinking around behind you. Once you are ready to leave and feel you've tied up the store's crime fighting resources long enough, make your way to the checkout. Here you unload your pockets and leave behind everything you don't wish to purchase. Now pay for your purchases and leave. This form of absorbing the store's security resources also serves to keep people employed, as the store has to pay someone to put everything back in place. Note: In the UK, shoplifting is not shoplifting until you physically pass through the checkout with goods you have not paid for.

    105 - Ram tampons into your target restaurant's ketchup bottles. I much prefer used ones, not that they perform any different but just because that's the way I am.

    116 - As with item #36, if you have access to your target's home, make a note of the brand and model of his television set. Now go to your local shopping centre or flea market for a compatible remote control pad. Next, stand outside the target's window with your remote, and switch channels according to what you want him to watch. If you're into riots try this at a pub on Cup Final day, but as usual make sure you have a good escape plan for if it goes wrong.

    202 - A bit less destructive, but no less nasty is the old pin-in-the-coax trick. Prick a tiny pin through the plastic outer coax cable and through the shield; be sure it touches the centre conductor. Now cut it off flush, and push the embedded piece in some more - out of sight. The plastic will close behind the pin, making the wound invisible. This will ruin the signal and is difficult to detect. Only a truly competent engineer would even consider looking for this form of sabotage, and then only a last resort; most repair people will simply shake their heads in disbelief.

    207 - McNasty strikes again, this time whilst out for an evening, by winding up a group of street loafers or other riffraff, then gesturing to Vark's car with the warning, "Touch my car and I'll have the f*cking lot o' yer!"

    213 - You know how the Inland Revenue works, right? No? Ah, ok, well, not important but be warned they're bred with no sense of humour, none at all, so best not to toy with them. But if you do, and mind I said if, you could tell them that you cheated on your taxes over the past years, but have recently come into money and would like to put things right in return for immunity from prosecution. Keep it authentic by asking if you can get a discount for coming clean, are there penalties involved, etc, then make an appointment to resolve the matter. Obviously, as the dickhead doesn't know about this arrangement he's unlikely to show up at the meeting, and if he happens to have a business, and a cash one to boot, wouldn't you rather be you?

    232 - Have someone, male or female according to the usual variables, carry an inflated sex doll into your target's workplace. Approaching him, have them say, "I found this under the bed. Is this why you don't touch me anymore?" Dump it on him and leave.

    239 - Take a lesson from a young Australian who was fed up with her boyfriend's roving eyes. She waited until he was asleep, tenderly superglued his eyelashes, waited for the glue to set, set some paper alight in the bin to create the smell of smoke, then went to the door and began yelling hysterically, "FIRE, FIRE."

    251 - Syrup of Ipecac is a common purgative. Its claim to fame is that it induces an almost immediate spate of serious, down to earth vomiting in anyone who swallows a couple of drops. This is great for forcing poison victims to disgorge contaminants, though less than hilarious to someone who's trying to eat normal food without realising it contains this obnoxious chemical. Two or three drops into sweet tea or coffee will induce uncontrollable vomiting; the additive works equally well with alcoholic or non-alcoholic drinks, but the secret is to select a carrier drink that will hide its awful taste and murky consistency, something like rum 'n coke. After successfully slipping it into a sweet and strong drink you have about 15 minutes to escape before violent projectile barfing messes up the immediate environment. As Socrates may once have said, "No shit, I just drank what!?" Of course, you're not supposed to actually do this. It's just fantasy and fun, like everything else.

    259 - If you know Vark was away for some days, perhaps for work or business, call the jerk's spouse and pretend to be the clerk at the Hardon Hotel. Tell her that she and Vark left some personal items behind and would she like you to mail them back. A bit of research on this one could be dangerous to your target's health, wealth and sanity.

    280 - Aluminium oxide (grit) on wiper blades will create pretty patterns on the windscreen.

    297 - Push (don't throw) a cream or shaving foam pie into target's face, and run like hell. Better still, pay a kid to do it. Even better, a black kid - in retaliation for the target's racist views or comments. Here's Mel again, this time with a variation on the old shaving-cream filler to pie your target, who no doubt deserves worse. McNasty says to make an excrement pie. He also says not to throw it, as it may splosh onto innocent bystanders, but to mush it in the mark's face. This works best with wimps, according to MM, or with people who are slower runners than you are.

    305 - Thanks to James F, Streatham, London: When you see a police horse dump on the public highway or a police car speeding, improperly parked or otherwise in breach of the Highway Code, note the details as well as the time and place. Now call Scotland Yard (0171-230 1212) from a public phone, to protest that the police shouldn't place themselves above the law of the land. Rant and rave a bit, in your target's name, and remember that all calls are recorded.

    336 - Brick in the doorway of your target's house at night, or while he's away.

    342 - Still having problems with that slumloving landlord who evicts people for no good reason, or leaving because you simply cannot get on with the thief? There are many perfectly legal ways to keep on top of your rights as a tenant, and also many borderline techniques that are much more fun. For example, before you leave, why not sub-lease the premises at a peppercorn rent to a bunch of bums, alcoholics, roughnecks, hookers, dopeheads, reckless party throwers and or other undesirables? This form of freelance subletting could be your going-away pressie. Your landlord will have to go through the courts to get them out, and there's no telling what they'll do to the place before they leave. Either way it will cause him hassle and expense, perhaps even a cracked skull.

    346 - Gerald Scott of Hackney, writes, "Hole in the wall cash machines don't like cheese. I cut some hard, stale cheese to the size and shape of a credit card, and inserted it into the receiving slot of a hole in the wall machine. That's how I know they don't like cheese." Author's note: A banking contact informs me it takes a fully qualified engineer at least four hours to clean and return to operation a cheese nibbling ATM.

    356 - According to Larry (that's right, some people are still called Larry) more people lose money to coin operated machines than are ripped off by the tax people. Although the vending companies are more liberal in handling refund requests than the legalised crooks in drab suits, obtaining refunds is nevertheless annoying and costs in time, expense and inconvenience. The machines shouldn't rip people off in the first place, Larry says, so the next time you are had by one of these mechanical muggers, spray paint the buttons, so nobody knows what they are ordering, and if your friendly thief has individual doors, remove the original product and replace it with something gross, like a dead rat, turd, etc..

    469 - When you happen to be working off your notice period at the office, among many other things you could keep an eye or ear out is for someone of importance who is out of office for an extended period. Now whenever you answer a call due for him: "Oh, Mark doesn't work here anymore. I think he got fired for dishonesty (sexual misconduct, drug abuse...)."

    473 - Stevie writes: "When I worked for the Infernal Revenue about twelve years ago, a bunch of us pooled our paycheques and bought a postal order £1.63. Then we wrote up a phoney 'amended' tax return with fictitious details, and submitted this with a covering letter to the effect that the taxpayer had found an error in his calculations and was making amends. We knew, of course, that whenever the tax inspectorate receives an amended return containing money, their own rules require them to trawl their records "until they find the original," and forever, if necessary. They're probably still looking. The more complex the system, the easier it is to make it eat its own tall.

    491 - If the aardvark is travelling abroad, find out which airline he is using and the departure date. Call the airline (and destination hotel) and cancel his reservation. This is most effective during busy holiday periods, so that the airline (and/or hotel) will immediately reallocate his place to another traveller.

    508 - Must confess I haven't tried this myself, but Bad Boy Bob from Luton writes, "In a high-profile situation, bet Vark that he (or better, she) can't put a billiard ball into his mouth. Expect to lose the bet, because it is easy to do that, and billiard balls will slot into most mouths. Only problem is, they don't come out. Believe it or not, medical science has come to the rescue in developing a device to aid in the removal of billiard balls from mouths and other orifices.

    513 - Ever secreted crushed Alka-Seltzer inside a tampon?

    538 - Nothing vengeful in this one, but all good fun. If the violence and property destruction of the previous item doesn't sit right with you, consider this next smilie. Most mail order and novelty stores sell realistic rubber-faced masks, resembling everything from an ape-man, through a drooling idiot and all the way down to the pits, like Reagan and Thatcher. Select one that looks especially gross - like an old man, the idiot or Thatcher. Position it on the back of your head, which will leave your vision unobstructed. Now head for the road in your car. Just as another motorist approaches to overtake you, lean out the window. The effect on the approaching motorist is interesting to observe, as he will see a drooling goon looking back, directly at him, with no apparent concern for the road ahead. Very few cars will actually pass you with this stunt in operation.

    542 - Get the phone number of the bank your target is heading for or has just entered. Use a public pay phone which affords you visual access into the bank. When Vark enters, call the bank. Speaking slowly, clearly, and with authority, warn the assistant that the place is being held up, and instruct her not to hang up. Describe the target as your accomplice, that he is waiting in line with the other customers, and that the cashier must prepare the money in her till so that when he arrives for service she can hand it over and get on with business as though nothing has happened.




    Last edited by keda; 18-02-2007 at 03:46 PM. Reason: typo

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