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    A Vision of Britain

    One of the best-selling books of the year, after Harry Potter and Littlejohn's Britain, is Life In The United Kingdom: A Journey Into Citizenship. Published by the Home Office, it is a guide for immigrants who wish to apply for British nationality. Figures released yesterday show that 690,000 people moved here last year. No wonder it's selling so well.

    With the Christmas gift market bearing down upon us, Littlejohn thought it was time to check out the opposition.

    The best place to start with official publications is usually at the back. So he headed straight for the glossary, which contains a selection of "key words and key expressions" for would-be citizens. The italics are his, the rest are all kosher.



    A is for abusive (behaviour), adultery and asylum seekers.

    B is for baron, birth parent, brutality and burglary.

    C is for cannabis, chieftain, civil disobedience, clamp (as in wheel), cocaine, colonise, corrupt and Crusades (wars fought to spread Christianity).

    D is for degrading (treatment), deport, detained by the police, disability and dump (as in fly-tipping).

    E is for ecstasy (makes users feel they have lots of energy), ethnic minority, executed and exploitation.

    F is for famine, firearm and forced labour.

    G is for gambling, grant (money paid by an authority) and guerilla war.

    H is for hard drugs, heroin, Holy Land (see also Crusade) and humiliated.

    I is for immigration, inappropriate touching, indecent remarks, inhuman behaviour, insulting words and Islamic mortgage.

    J is is for judge, judiciary and jury.

    L is for labour (as in Vote Labour), legal aid and legitimate children (whose parents are married to each other).

    M is for maternity leave, mental illness, migrate, missionary (as in Godbotherer, not position) and molestation (sexual attack on someone, often a child).

    N is for nationalised (as in Northern Rock), naturalised citizen (as in Captain Hook - Abu Hamza), nobility and not-for-profit (see nationalised).

    O is for obstructive (behaviour), occupy a country (as in Iraq or Northern Ireland), offensive (behaviour) and off-licence.

    P is for paternity leave, persecuted, plague, pluralistic society, pogroms and proportional representation.

    R is for racial, racially-motivated crime, racism, rape, recycle rubbish and referendum (except in the event of a new European treaty).

    S is for scratch card, serious misconduct, slavery (see forced labour); and strike, to go on.

    T is for terrorism, therapist (psychology), torture, tow away a car (see also clamp) and treaty (see referendum).

    U is for unemployed.

    V is for victim and vulnerable people.

    W is for welfare benefits.

    Y is for Yellow Pages

    There was no K, Q, X or Z, but as for the rest: you couldn't make it up.

    You might have thought that a publication about Britain which bothered to explain that a baron was a minor member of the aristocracy and that a chieftain was a Scottish clan ruler might have found room for the Queen.

    I've missed a few words out, but those I've quoted are what leapt from the page.

    It does help give you a fascinating insight into the official mentality and what they think constitutes a representative snapshot of modern Britain.

    And what a depressing picture it paints. Abuse, adultery, brutality, burglary, cannabis, degrading treatment, exploitation, famine, forced labour, gambling, guerilla war, heroin, inappropriate touching, Islamic mortgages, mental illness, persecution, plague, pogroms, racism, rape, slavery, strikes, terrorism, wheel-clamping.

    Who lives in a country like this?

    When was the last time we had a pogrom in Britain?

    Or a plague, or a famine? Why mention the Crusades? As for forced labour, we're paying five million people to sit around on their backsides, claiming benefit.

    Forced idleness, more like.

    There's an unhealthy obsession with child molesting, class, drugs, the victim culture, welfare entitlement and the politics of sex and race, which tells you just about everything you need to know about the new ruling class.

    The glossary could have been lifted straight from the Guardian style- book. After wading through this list, why would anyone want to move here in the first place?

    It's more like a brochure for those planning to emigrate.

    But before you sell up and head for the airport, I thought I'd have a go at a list of my own.

    It may not persuade you to stay, but at least it might provide a more accurate appreciation of what it means to me to be British.

    A is for Agincourt.

    B is for Bond, James; Bader, Douglas; Botham, Ian; bloodymindedness and Brylcreem.

    C is for Churchill, The Cruel Sea, Carry On; Connolly, Billy; Calzaghe, Joe; cricket and Chicken Tikka Massala.

    D is for the Daily Mail, Dunkirk, Dambusters and Dad's Army.

    E is for for Ever Decreasing Circles, Edinburgh Castle, Ealing Comedies, Everton v Liverpool.

    F is for Flower of Scotland, the Full English, Frank Spencer, fish 'n' chips and the Finsbury Park Astoria (now the Abu Hamza memorial mosque).

    G is for 'God, Harry and St George'; Goodness Gracious Me; Greaves, Jimmy; and Get Carter.

    H is for Harry Potter, Harry Ramsden and Hari Krishna; the Horseshoe Bar, Glasgow.

    J is for Jagger, Mick; John Lewis; jam and the Jam.

    K is for the Kinks, kebabs and Kinnock falling into the sea at Brighton.

    L is for The Long Good Friday; last orders and Liar, Billy.

    M is for Mirren, Helen; Madness, Minder, Morecambe & Wise, Men Of Harlech and 'Musn't Grumble'.

    N is for Nesbitt, Rab C; Newcastle Brown and 'Nice to see you, to see you, NICE!'

    O is for is for the Oval, Ovaltine and Only Fools And Horses.

    N is for Nesbitt, Rab C; Newcastle Brown and 'Nice to see you, to see you, NICE!'

    P is for the Proms, Last Night Of; Porridge, Pete 'n' Dud, pantomime, pork pies, Parky and 'Put that light out'.

    Q is for Queen Elizabeth II.

    R is for Remembrance Sunday, Mr Rumpole, reggae, Rangers v Celtic and the Renfrew Ferry.

    S is for The Sweeney, Squeeze, St Paul's; Sutch, Screaming Lord; sausage rolls, 'Stupid boy'; Swing Low, Sweet Chariot and 'Some people are on the pitch, they think it's all over.'

    T is for Trooping the Colour, 'Turned Out Nice Again' and Two Jags getting caught with his trousers down.

    U is for 'Up Yours Delors'.

    V is for Van Morrison, Viz, village greens, VE Day and Vomit Alley.

    W is for Westminster Abbey, Winchester Cathedral, Welwyn-Garden City, Wem-ber-ley; 'Wifebeater' and whisky chasers.

    X is for the X Factor; and xylophone, Sooty for the use of.

    Y is for Yis for "You'll have had your tea' and 'You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off".

    Z is for for Zulu.
    Last edited by Clockwork Orange; 16-11-2007 at 04:35 PM.

  2. #2
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    Queen Elizabeth I is the proper title.

  3. #3
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    No it isn't.

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    Queen Elizabeth II of England

    Queen Elizabeth I of Great Britain

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    Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom


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    You're spouting nonsense as usual mate. Never mind don't let me stop you.

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    Thailand Expat AntRobertson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Clockwork Orange
    Figures released yesterday show that 690,000 people moved here last year
    Ahhh, I've been waiting for this Saw those figures myself, I wonder how far you'd have to dig through the Daily Mail to find that this startling figure also includes:

    - A full 15% of returning and/or current British passport holders;

    - however many Kiwi's, Aussies and the like it was (can't recall currently);

    - that 193,000 foreigners left the UK for home;

    - that 157,000 of them are students studying in the UK (and adding a 8.5bn squid boon to the economy at that);

    - and that with migration figures of slightly over 200,000 it means only a net population growth of 190,000.

    That's not even half as scary a figure is it.

    I'd be willing to wager you'd have to look pretty hard to find it... If it's in there at all.

    ... It may not persuade you to stay, but at least it might provide a more accurate appreciation of what it means to me to be British.

    C ... Chicken Tikka Massala.

    ...

    K ... kebabs

    ...

    Q is for Queen Elizabeth II. [She of good German stock]

    R ... reggae

    S ... Swing Low, Sweet Chariot [A black American slave-song]
    ...

    Z is for for Zulu.
    There's some decidedly dodgy/odd ones in there

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    Quote Originally Posted by Begbie View Post
    You're spouting nonsense


    Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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    Wikpedia !!!

    OK so who was Queen Elizabeth I of the United Kingdom ?

  10. #10
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    Actually, if you want to be really pedantic, Begbie is correct.

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    Not really pedantic SB. This styling of the Queen's title has been regarded in Scotland as a provocation for as long as I can remember. I don't know the history of it but I suspect some royal toady made a clerical error on coronation day.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AntRobertson View Post
    That's not even half as scary a figure is it
    It's not about the numbers. It's about what the people who published this book belive the UK is all about. Some of the descriptions seem a bit iffy, granted, but this is the connection :

    C ... Chicken Tikka Massala (UK's most popular dish)

    K ... Kebabs (UK's most popular dish when pissed-up, usually between 2am & 3am)

    Q is for Queen Elizabeth II. [She of good German stock] (She's not German, her husband is)

    R ... reggae (Part of music culture here, much like that rap shit)

    S ... Swing Low, Sweet Chariot [A black American slave-song] (Also our rugby teams's anthem)

    Z is for for Zulu (A historic battle that we won. I know we lost one, too, but he could just as easily be talking about that one)

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    ^Zulu was a movie not a battle...Rorkes Drift was the battle. Says it all really.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Begbie View Post
    Wikpedia
    I know, but it's a good starting point.

    Queen Elizabeth I of the United Kingdom
    Last edited by Clockwork Orange; 16-11-2007 at 06:16 PM.

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    pedant!! but correct anyway

    as for immigration, that hot topic in UK

    The right wingers like Littlejohn are creating tensions by spouting statistics from which they deduce that the Uk will be totally non-British by 2020. That may be a good thing, as it has happened before, several times, from the Norman conquest on. Those non-Brits became Brits eventually and we all probably have some of their genes floating around in us. They essentially have made Britain what it is today (whatever that is).

    Despite offers of training etc, a percentage of the indigenous young male population can hardly be bothered to work; they then complain that immigrants are taking their jobs. Good, someone has to do them.
    I have reported your post

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    Quote Originally Posted by Clockwork Orange View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by AntRobertson View Post
    That's not even half as scary a figure is it
    It's not about the numbers. It's about what the people who published this book belive the UK is all about. Some of the descriptions seem a bit iffy, granted, but this is the connection :

    C ... Chicken Tikka Massala (UK's most popular dish)

    K ... Kebabs (UK's most popular dish when pissed-up, usually between 2am & 3am)

    Q is for Queen Elizabeth II. [She of good German stock] (She's not German, her husband is)

    R ... reggae (Part of music culture here, much like that rap shit)

    S ... Swing Low, Sweet Chariot [A black American slave-song] (Also our rugby teams's anthem)

    Z is for for Zulu (A historic battle that we won. I know we lost one, too, but he could just as easily be talking about that one)
    very funny CO

    I actually have the book, but maybe the second edition has been changed a little

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    Quote Originally Posted by Begbie View Post
    Says it all really
    Says what, exactly - that I am not as well schooled as you?

    I apologise for that.

    I know the battle wasn't called Zulu, I'm not that stupid, but to indicate we are not talking about the same thing, whatever you call it, is condescendance of the highest order.

    I didn't realise TD was an intellectual forum

    BTW - if Jocks are so great, why do they all work for the English

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    Bloody hell CO, stop plagiarising rubbish from tosser newspapers then maybe you would not be attacked

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    ^^It's not that why I don't post very often. The reverse may also be true.

    He can hardly saying he's being attacked. CO post some of your own opinions. You're a better writer than that retard Littlejohn.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DrAndy View Post
    a percentage of the indigenous young male population can hardly be bothered to work; they then complain that immigrants are taking their jobs. Good, someone has to do them.
    This is a very narrow-minded view of the situation.

    There is a lot more to the UK workforce than a few kids on the dole.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Clockwork Orange
    It's not about the numbers
    Actually when the wider issue is immigration it is about the numbers.

    And my point is that they only tell half the story. So many people reading "690,000" are misinformed - as I say something I suspect the Daily (Beyond the) Pail isn't exactly at great lengths to rectify.

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    True CO, but they are the main ones being threatened by immigrants

    Most immigrants do not have the proper training or speak enough English to take more senior positions, so naturally they will work at any job possible.

    Immigrants that do have skills (e.g. nurses, plumbers) do not threaten UK citizens jobs as they complement the existing workforce.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DrAndy View Post
    Bloody hell CO, stop plagiarising rubbish from tosser newspapers then maybe you would not be attacked
    I don't think I'm being attacked.

    If you think Littlejohn is so rubbish, why have you read his book? Hardback, no less.

    I've made my thought on this immigration business perfectly clear on more than one occasion. I'm not trying to stir up a debate, I just thought it was an amusing article & despite some people not liking it, there are many who do (I think of them as the silent majority) who daren't get involved in any banter for fear of being shouted down & being called a racist or similar.

    I, on the other hand, don't give a toss what anyone thinks of me & am more than willing to discuss these matters & put the ignorant (I don't mean that offensively) straight - just like Littlejohn.

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    Thailand Expat AntRobertson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Clockwork Orange
    ...despite some people not liking it, there are many who do (I think of them as the silent majority) who daren't get involved in any banter for fear of being shouted down & being called a racist or similar....
    Convenient.

    On the other hand it could just be that it's actually a vocal majority or that the silent majority don't voice an opinion because it's shite.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Clockwork Orange View Post
    If you think Littlejohn is so rubbish, why have you read his book? Hardback, no less.

    I've made my thought on this immigration business perfectly clear on more than one occasion. I'm not trying to stir up a debate, I just thought it was an amusing article & despite some people not liking it, there are many who do (I think of them as the silent majority) who daren't get involved in any banter for fear of being shouted down & being called a racist or similar.

    I, on the other hand, don't give a toss what anyone thinks of me & am more than willing to discuss these matters & put the ignorant (I don't mean that offensively) straight - just like Littlejohn.
    I haven't read his book CO, what makes you think I have? Mind you, I would read it as I have no objection to finding out what he thinks about things. I would not buy it unless from a charity shop.

    The thing about people not liking the article is that, although it may be presented in a humourous way, it is still making the predujiced points about immigration. I am not sure about those liking it being the silent majority! they tend to be the vocal minority. It is a mistake to assume those that do not have a platform think the same as yourself.

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