After a 5 year absence from our screens while laying into toot, Nigella Lawson returns to our screens this week with a series dedicated to suggestively stroking root vegetables.
After many years paying attention to the hidden sexual desires of female viewers, with shows like Great British Bake Off and Homes Under the Hammer, the BBC has commissioned Nigella to thrap a different vegetable each week while staring into the camera and biting her bottom lip.

Colin Nigelson, a spokesman for the BBC told reporters at the press launch, “For too long now primetime television at the corporation has been solely dedicated to enticing female viewers to stay with us, by appealing to their base sexual desires. For example, who can forget Nick Knowles running his rough hands over a piece of stout wood, before rescuing a lady with a boringly decorated boudoir in DIY SOS.
“Or Matt Baker on Countryfile talking about the decline of the Yorkshire chocolate industry, while climbing a mountain on a hot day wearing a tight T-Shirt. Not forgetting literally anything starring Ben Fogle.”
He continued, “We need to get the male 40-60 year old age group back on board, and we feel that Nigella rubbing butter into a parsnip while loudly sighing for 30 minutes should do the trick.”
The tradition of suggestive cookery dates back to the 50’s when Fanny Craddock hosted “Fanny’s Kitchen”. Many men were introduced to the image of a smoking Fanny telling them to wash their plums before use. Delia Smith in the 70’s was somewhat more subtle, as no-one believed someone that nice was all innocent. A fact proved many years later when she shouted “lets be having you!” at an entire football stadium. The needs of the LGBT community were serviced when Jamie Oliver hit our screens and we were treated to a guy with girls hair covering meat with generous amounts of oil before spit roasting it with friends.
Nigella’s new show is expected to be a growing hit, as each week the size and type of vegetable increases and the hosts sexual innuendos become less and less disingenuous.
The series will reach a shuddering climax when Nigella has to deal with a well greased butternut squash… while on all fours… wearing a lace nightie…
https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/10/22/nigella-returns-series-wank-vegetables/