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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Dinner party, the f**cking up thereof



    After toying with the idea of a robust winter vegetable medley, I instead opted for a bog-standard roasted butternut squash soup for the starter.

    Soups, I believe, should comprise one prominent component. A solitary hero. When your turnips start encroaching on the swede's saucepan space and your celery crashes the courgette party, an amalgamation of indiscernable flavours materialise, leaving your broth tasting like it was freshly ladelled from a seasoned puddle.

    No thanks.

    And what's more, we have people to impress here.

    Integrating oneself into a Western society after having spent a decade existing on questionable cuts of flesh and chemical laced liquid refreshment is quite the task. One is viewed as a pariah - a reclacitrant oik who'd rather spend a mucky half hour in a backstreet Bangkokian brothel than toil a 9-5 in the rain, dividing one's free time between paying bills and frantic masturbation.

    Well, I'd tend to agree.

    But whilst we're here, we shall adhere. And civilsation starts at the dinner table.

    After a liberal dousing of olive oil, my squash went into a hot oven where it spent an hour receiving a very fucking thorough roasting indeed.



    It was subsequently scooped from its casing and added to a simmering pan of onion, garlic and cumin.



    Leaving the soup to gently bubble, I then focused on a terribly expensive pork loin; I mean you could've bought Mukdahan for the same money.

    Garlic, sage, lemon zest, parsely, salt, pepper and olive oil provided the flavour.





    Into the oven for 45 minutes - with a promise from Google that this was the optimum cooking time for light and crispy crackling, just like Granny used to make.

    Well, let me tell you this for free - Google is a lying, unscrupulous twat.

    The butternut broth played its part nicely. The delicate aroma was substantiated with subtle favouring, perfect for prepping one's palate.



    Then came the main course...



    Persona non grata returns to the room.

    Next time we'll have a 64 from the New Chop Suey house with a side order of Birdseye potato waffles - they're waffelly versatile.

  2. #2
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    Wow...Slap...I'll read the rest later, but that looks good, mate...

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^Obliged.

    In theory it had the potential.

    But, you know...

    Google's a bladdy liar.

  4. #4
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    I expect that all who sampled your cuisine will have worms now because the meat was undercooked. The good thing is that they will all be hungry all the time and they will gobble up every morsel of the food you prepare in future

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by can123
    I expect that all who sampled your cuisine will have worms now because the meat was undercooked.
    Well that's good news.

    Not too concerned about the cook on the meat. Just the absolute lack of crackle on the crackling and my utter mismanagement when it came to vegetable portion sizes.

    But I had gin. It made everything better.

  6. #6
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    But I had gin. It made everything better.
    You did the right thing. Worms love gin.

  7. #7
    On a walkabout
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    Slap you have amazed me.

    Did Somchai approve?

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by can123
    Worms love gin.
    Tequilla mocking word.



    Quote Originally Posted by Loy Toy
    Did Somchai approve?
    All parties involved approved of the soup.

    I made sure they were plied with a suitable amount of gin before the entree was brandished, mind.

  9. #9
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    Almost civilised.

    Well done, Slap!


  10. #10
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Slapper you terrible [at][at][at][at].

    You've gone native.

  11. #11
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    Nice one Slapper, putting your guests on a fukkin diet was a bit rude though.

  12. #12
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    10/10 for the ingredients.

    You should have (with a very sharp knife) scored into the skin, applied some salt and olive oil into the wounds, high heat for ten minutes then turn the heat down.

    Well, that's how I do mine!

    Good effort old boy.

  13. #13
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    If you zoom in on the left plate you can see how he scored it all with love and kisses. My guess is he drooled all over the salt

  14. #14
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    The roasters look perfect, Slap, and the soup looks splendid. Nice job.

  15. #15
    Pedantic bastard
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke View Post
    Slapper you terrible [at][at][at][at].

    You've gone native.
    ...again!

  16. #16
    Pedantic bastard
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post



    TWO plates, wine glasses, gin (and beer from the photo).

    Pumpkin and cumin soup and a roast pork dinner...

    That's classic "trying to get into a Brit lasses knickers" cooking that is.

    Mr Slap. What are you up to?

  17. #17
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    ^ where in the UK are you from Nid.?

    The going rate as I remember was 2 halfs and a bag of chips

  18. #18
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    Nice job Slap, all done over a charcoal fire outside? Simply amazing! Are you sober these days?

  19. #19
    cnx37
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    What is the meat?

  20. #20
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ltnt
    Are you sober these days?
    Doubtful - the bastard has gone native.

  21. #21
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    ^Pretty fair looking feed that...sober not? No kilts involved then?

  22. #22
    Lord of Swine
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    Soup?
    Who was your guest, Stephen Fry?

  23. #23
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kurgen
    putting your guests on a fukkin diet was a bit rude though
    Yes, dishing it up was agony - much juggling of potatoes and brococli florets took place.

    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Slapper you terrible [at][at][at][at]. You've gone native.
    I have indeed transferred my talents to the kitchen; garlic, rosemary and salt.



    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy
    You should have (with a very sharp knife) scored into the skin, applied some salt and olive oil into the wounds, high heat for ten minutes then turn the heat down.
    Scored with a Stanley blade - nary a crunch!

    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    My guess is he drooled all over the salt
    I was nuts deep in a bottle of gin by then and probably dribbling everywhere.

    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna
    The roasters look perfect
    Best part of that feed - in the oven for an hour and 15. As oppose to fucking Google's recommended 45 mins.

    Quote Originally Posted by nidhogg
    TWO plates, wine glasses, gin (and beer from the photo).
    Another six, yes SIX plates out of shot.

    Quote Originally Posted by ltnt
    Are you sober these days?
    See above references to gin consumption.

    Quote Originally Posted by cnx37
    What is the meat?
    Pork loin. Waitrose finest cut.

    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    Who was your guest, Stephen Fry?
    No, but the terrible twat would be welcome to sup at my soup bowl any time.

    ^No, that wasn't a plating reference.

  24. #24
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    ^Perhaps a job offer coming in from Simon 44 at one of his infamous hotels as the chief chef and ex-wife monger? Simon 44's not up to it these days..."Slap picks up the slack in Phuket," thread sound nice..

  25. #25
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    soup
    Soup in a bowl?

    Why didn't you use a cup like everybody else?

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