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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    An Isaan fable of unalloyed feline loathing: AKA Pad Krapow Meow

    My wife, she loves our cats. Absolutely adores them. They are provided with two thoughtfully prepared meals daily and are never left wanting for strokes, cuddles, or indeed, light conversation.

    It’s really rather a shame, then, that I, totally, with every last morsel of my being, despise the abhorrent bundles of misery. Given the choice I’d rather keep a pair of sexually-active baboons, in my underpants.

    As you might imagine, this difference of opinion has resulted in much friction. While my better half will invariably greet their early morning screeches for sustenance with a pat on the head, a peppy verbal exchange and a generous serving of rice infused with slow-poached mackerel, I, on the other hand, will offer them a colourful volley of language followed by playful punt towards the distant horizon. And so begins the bickering…

    A quick disclaimer: cats do not always land on their feet. They sometimes land on their heads, which is a pleasing conclusion after a tremendous boot to the bollocks has been administered.

    I didn’t arrive at this cat-detesting juncture without just cause, mind you. It took me a good few years to fine-tune my hatred, but I got there in the end.
    Perhaps the turning point, the most significant factor which converted plain old disapproval into an unalloyed, seething hatred for these creatures, was a series of events that transpired one Sunday evening.

    I was sitting on the balcony enjoying the sunset with an ice-cold bottle of local beer and a book. The house was currently a shrine to the much revered Sunday roast. Baking trays clattered, saucepan lids opened to reveal a bubbling assemblage of seasonal vegetables, used utensils dropped with a splash into the washing-up bowl, and a meticulously manufactured pepper sauce traced a path from the kitchen and out on to the balcony, gloriously scenting the air.
    My excitement for this pending feast began to pique, and I licked my lips in anticipation. A full Sunday roast dinner awaited my undivided attention. A cut of the finest beef, a stack of impeccably executed roast potatoes, an assortment of leafy greens, peas and carrots, an intricately grafted gravy, and the pièce de resistance, my wife’s take on Yorkshire puddings, which although would probably deeply offend Auntie Bessie, still brought that element of je ne sais pas to the table.

    And so it came to pass that ‘Dinnertime’, the best compound noun in the history of linguistics, was called.

    Fantastic news! The arrival of my food had coincided with the last page of the chapter I’d been reading.
    “Give me one-hot-minute.” I said to my wife. “Pop it on the table. I shall be in forthwith.”

    After speed-reading the final few paragraphs of the chapter, I closed my book, took a large gulp of lager, and hurried into the dining room ready to attack my roast dinner.

    But it quickly became apparent that I wouldn’t be attacking my roast dinner today. No, I would instead be attacking the fucking cat who was standing in it! Using the roast potatoes and the Yorkshire pudding as a vantage point, the heinous moggie was gnawing vehemently at the cut of premium roast beef, its front legs knee-deep in gravy.

    An almost tangible aura of hate filled the room. The ceiling rained hellfire. The walls blazed an angry red. I was on the brink of either a massive stroke or mass-murder.
    Fortunately, although it was touch and go for a good few seconds, the former didn’t occur, leaving the latter my only choice of path.

    With an animalistic roar I embarked on a feline genocide campaign. Proceedings commenced with the violent removal of the roast dinner perpetrator. Grabbed by the throat and escorted to the balcony, it was launched, pursuing a path with flailing limbs, over the garden wall – I’m sure it was still chewing mid-flight. In my honest opinion, it was lucky. If I wasn’t such an affable chap, I could have quite easily lopped its head off with an axe.

    I then went into my bedroom and liberated a shotgun which I’d acquired for such eventualities. Granted, it only cost 50 pence and shoots plastic pellets, but is capable of inflicting a satisfactory sting to its recipients, so I chambered a round, lit a cigarette, and basically morphed into a fat Terminator.

    “What are you doing?” My wife inquired.

    I was tempted to shoot her in the leg. She likes cats. She was fair game. But I forewent instigating a year-long domestic feud and simply uttered “I’ll be back.”

    Outside on the garden bench, with a leg cocked at an impossible angle, another cat sat, about to succumb to my wrath of Sunday roast retribution.
    I fired off a round aimed at its head. It missed, the pellet having been gathered by a gust of wind. I took another shot. Again, the target wasn’t hit. I decided that a more proactive means of exhibiting my fury should be employed. Using the shotgun barrel as a handle, I made towards the vicious bastard, who by this time looked to have consumed its head with its anus, with a view to issuing a devastating blow to the midsection. I brought the weapon down. Too late. The cat had obviously heard my approaching breaths of rage and jumped out of the way just as the shotgun met the table and smashed into a hundred pieces.

    With this, it was deemed absolutely essential that I immediately vacated the premises. Two minutes later I was frantically consuming alcohol at the local shop and regaling my tale of woe to an amused crowd of regulars. Apparently such adversities never seem to befall them – after all, anything with four legs and heartbeat invariably ends up in the pot, doesn’t it?
    Do they eat cats in Thailand? Or is that just China?
    Either way, Pad Krapow Meow has a delightful ring to it.

    Look cute; are, in fact, dinner...

    Last edited by somtamslap; 07-06-2014 at 04:54 PM.

  2. #2
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    Dillinger's Avatar
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    Somtamslap, the poor man's Rick Thai

  3. #3
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    Pussy, I told you to buy a decent pellet gun.


    ^ Should I add him to Ricks Big Adventure Book Dill?

  4. #4
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    ^ yeah. I would buy that

  5. #5
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    Fucking hate cats. Get a gerbil

  6. #6
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    ^ Should I add him to Ricks Big Adventure Book Dill?
    Rick seems like quite a handy fellow to have around the place...



    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker
    Get a gerbil
    Funny you say that. I'm building a guinea pig run this arvo, which is extremely fucking pleasant of me.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    two thoughtfully prepared meals daily and are never left wanting for strokes, cuddles, or indeed, light conversation.

    It's the "light conversation" that I love.

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    It's the "light conversation" that I love.
    You know the drill, Alberto. My mrs speaks to the animals more than Dr Dolittle.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    My mrs speaks to the animals more than Dr Dolittle.
    My mrs speaks to the animals more than me . 2-3 times a day I say "What love?" and she says "I'm talking with the rabbit!"

  10. #10
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    "I'm talking with the rabbit!"
    I like rabbits. I'd quite happily have a chin-wag with a rabbit. But cats. Cats are good for booting only.

  11. #11
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    What was the wife's reaction to all this? Was she upset at the dinner being ruined, or about the cat being hurled over the garden wall?

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sumocakewalk
    Was she upset at the dinner being ruined, or about the cat being hurled over the garden wall?
    I believe the latter prevailed. It was a Sunday roast - fare not applicable to the average Asian. She would've gone loopy if it was a bowl of rotten fish infused basmati.

  13. #13
    RUSH HER TODAY
    david44's Avatar
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    Have I got news for you,POT LUCK

    "I’d rather keep a pair of sexually-active baboons, in my underpants"

    Feck me as I opened Bleeders Digest I discovered i'd won a brace of such baboons as a prize,sadly since to previous convictions following the giraffe incident,I was unable to accept so notified Fedex you'd be delighted to claim them.

    They should be bursting thru your catflap soon,The dominant one with a refined Stoke accent answers to name Withball while the submissive possibly AC-DCone is known as Will-he or some such easy to tell apart by there Stoke City and Wallabies theme nappies.

    I'm sure these frisky little chaps will give you minutes of fun while heating the pot. (brain stew recipe attached),May your potlatch be in a wig wam
    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    A full Sunday roast dinner awaited my undivided attention. A cut of the finest beef, a stack of impeccably executed roast potatoes, an assortment of leafy greens, peas and carrots, an intricately grafted gravy, and the pièce de resistance, my wife’s take on Yorkshire puddings,
    In fookin' Issarn!

    Rickdanger is far more believable...
    Last edited by charleyboy; 08-06-2014 at 12:34 PM.

  15. #15
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy
    In fookin' Issarn!
    It's all available up there, Chaz. Apart from the cut of the finest beef. The beef is generally pork or chicken unless you want to be chewing for half the afternoon.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    A full Sunday roast dinner awaited my undivided attention. A cut of the finest beef, a stack of impeccably executed roast potatoes, an assortment of leafy greens, peas and carrots, an intricately grafted gravy, and the pièce de resistance, my wife’s take on Yorkshire puddings,
    In fookin' Issarn!

    Rickdanger is far more believable...
    Yep, I'm calling too!

    ^^ david44 - I owe you a green for that!

  17. #17
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    Yep, I'm calling too!
    Beef - check

    Potatoes - check

    Broccoli, assorted greenery - check

    Peas, carrots - check

    Gravy - check

    Milk, flour, egg for Yorkie Puds - check

    Et voila.

    One roast dinner in bumfuck nowhere.

  18. #18
    Lord of Swine
    Necron99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post

    Milk, flour, egg for Yorkie Puds - check

    Et voila.

    One roast dinner in bumfuck nowhere.

    It's ok SomtamYorkshirePudsInIssanSlap.

    We believe you....

  19. #19
    splendid and tremendous
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    SomtamYorkshirePudsInIssanSlap

    I suggest a bake off.

    Unfortunately I'm not in Isaan at the moment, so you have several years to practise.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    SomtamYorkshirePudsInIssanSlap

    I suggest a bake off.

    Unfortunately I'm not in Isaan at the moment, so you have several years to practise.

    What ever happened to that soup?

  21. #21
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^ Ainsley Harriot's Broccoli and Stilton sachets are the way forward.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    Yep, I'm calling too!
    Beef - check

    Potatoes - check

    Broccoli, assorted greenery - check

    Peas, carrots - check

    Gravy - check

    Milk, flour, egg for Yorkie Puds - check

    Et voila.

    One roast dinner in bumfuck nowhere.
    I'm sure you have all those components, I doubt very much your missus cooked it up in a traditional roast without at least adding some chillies, fish sauce or somtam or boiling some random green bits of grass or something.

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by "Albert Shagnastier"
    It's the "light conversation" that I love.
    You know the drill, Alberto. My mrs speaks to the animals more than Dr Dolittle.
    Perhaps she doesn't find human types adequate.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker View Post
    Fucking hate cats. Get a gerbil
    Going only half way with this!

    Gerbil fuck off who wants one of them rodent cnuts in the house!

    If an animal is called for get a Dog and be done with it.

    personal preference when I have owned Dogs they live out the back in a Kennel and only enter the house when invited.

    Catch and kill cats and vermin plus attacking unwanted human intruders

  25. #25
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    I'm pretty sure there's a Vietnamese dish named "slam bang meow"
    advertised as " the other white meat"

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