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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Cha-Am Villa Hotel Review

    There's travelling on a budget and there's existing in deprived squalor.

    Opting to reside at the Cha-Am Villa Hotel places one emphatically in the latter category.

    I've passed-out in refuse-laden ditches in the furthest reaches of Isaan with more charisma and charm than this fucking dump, located in North Cha-Am Beach, Petchaburi province.

    The hotel's one and only saving grace was its proximity to the beach - a literal 10-second stroll. But after spending two nights here, the discerning excursionist will invariably want to walk into the Gulf of Siam and make for the horizon until the suffering and dread diminishes.

    The rooms were windowless, dank and generally very depressing. They were the type of rooms that people hung themselves in. At 700 baht per night, in a holiday destination predominantly frequented by locals, one might expect perhaps a little more bang for one's baht. A view, maybe. Of a tree. Or even some water. OR A LITTLE FUCKING FLOWER!

    Nothing. This room had no soul. It was barren, sparse and spiritless.

    The swimming pool was a murky green, like thick pea soup. Although undeterred by this, a healthy abundance of youngsters happily frolicked in the water - smiling, laughing, shouting, swallowing vast volumes of algae.

    The provided breakfast was bog-standard Thai fare: curries, soups and rice; but a bone had been thrown to the foreign contingent in the form of fried eggs and toast. The eggs were surprisingly good. The proprietors of the hotel had actually employed a chef capable of preparing eggs which didn't look like the outcome of a meeting between a stick of dynamite and a chicken's anus. The toast however, as is to be expected in a country where sugar is added to every-single-item-of-fucking-fodder, tasted like a stale donut.
    Even with this seemingly innocent repast, I still subsequently spent the best part of the morning perched on the communal dining room lavatory, blowing my fucking ring-piece inside-out.*

    But surely the most resounding grievance which Cha-Am Villa Hotel offered, was the fact that it was extremely dangerous. As in, it would be very easy to die there. No-one goes on holiday to die, I'm sure you'll concur. But the good people at Cha-Am Villa Hotel almost go out of their way to bring about an untimely demise, for you and the whole family.

    The flight of stairs leading up to our room level was nigh-on shear. One misplaced step would see you a crumpled heap at the foot of not only the stairs but also of the security guard who snored sonorously beside them.**

    And when it rained, which it did in thick sheets, the entire venue leaked. Vast puddles of precipitation amassed in the hotel foyer, causing the staff, who were typically tapping inane shite into their mobiles phones, to lethargically reach for the mops and half-heartedly push the water about.***
    Most alarmingly of all was that, during the rain, each and every electrical fixture took a thorough dousing - Cha-Am Villa Hotel was and is a ticking time bomb.

    It must be noted that I didn't visit this particular venue on the off-chance - it had actually been highly recommended by an acquaintance of mine, best known for tampering with the torsos of recently deceased livestock.

    Indeed a certain withnallstoke had extolled the benefits of these accommodations. And the fact that a long with this, he also chose to do a crossword on a Saturday evening instead of drinking Lao Khao and being sick on the beach, has led me to conclude he's a psycho-lunatic poofter.****

    * The view of the communal dining room lavatory ceiling. I would spend the morning shitting out my breakfast here



    ** The definition of useless



    *** Yes, your hotel is shite



    **** Withnall being a large poofter

    Last edited by somtamslap; 31-10-2013 at 03:08 PM.

  2. #2
    I am in Jail

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    How was the beer?

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Even with this seemingly innocent repast, I still subsequently spent the best part of the morning perched on the communal dining room lavatory, blowing my fucking ring-piece inside-out.*
    But this is normal activity for you, Slap...

  4. #4
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    Need to do a bit of work with your tenses, Scribe Slaps...

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    The rooms were windowless, dank and generally very depressing. They were the type of rooms that people hung themselves in.
    Using past tense in a descriptive passage of this nature distances the reader; far better to whack it into habitual present.

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yasojack
    How was the beer?
    It was tasty. In fact I'd go as far to say it was tasty, tasty, very, very tasty. It was very tasty.


    Quote Originally Posted by BaitongBoy
    But this is normal activity for you, Slap...
    Not after egg on toast!


    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Using past tense in a descriptive passage of this nature distances the reader;
    No it doesn't, Betsy. It puts the reader in the fucking room, living the shit.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    No it doesn't, Betsy. It puts the reader in the fucking room, living the shit.
    Sorry, Scribe. My bad...

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Sorry, Scribe. My bad...
    We'll have a little less of your lip in future, thank you young man.

    You need to work on your tenses, indeed! Tsch!

  8. #8
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    Withnall gave you a good recommendation there, you just needed to pull a couple more 100 baht notes out of those deep pockets

    “Always go for the good rooms, its so cheap why save a couple of hundred bahts to stay in the rooms that are there for the thai's coming down for the weekend.” (seancar29) 21 Sep 2012


    This hotel is actually a cluster of different buildings with individual frontdesk depending on the type of room you booked into. Avoid the cheaper rooms whenever you can as the cheaper ones are pretty rundown & you'll most probably hate the experience unless you're on a tight budget.
    Cha-am Villa Beach Hotel (Thailand) - Hotel Reviews - TripAdvisor

  9. #9
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Avoid the cheaper rooms whenever you can
    ...which we didn't...

  10. #10
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Withnall gave you a good recommendation there


    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    The rooms were windowless, dank and generally very depressing. They were the type of rooms that people hung themselves in. At 700 baht per night, in a holiday destination predominantly frequented by locals, one might expect perhaps a little more bang for one's baht. A view, maybe. Of a tree. Or even some water. OR A LITTLE FUCKING FLOWER!
    Admittedly, the rooms we stayed in this time were as described, but last time i stayed in very nice rooms, with windows and a balcony, although they were admittedly a couple of hundred more.





    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    The swimming pool was a murky green, like thick pea soup.
    I beg to differ.
    The pool was very clean, but the owners have chosen to tile it with green tiles, giving the appearance as you described.




    Not a tat in sight on those amazingly masculine arms.

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
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    On the plus side, directly next to the dread and depression of Cha-Am Villa Hotel was a quaint little eatery in which I dined on a splendid little supper.

    Pad Krapow Moo kai dao mai sook.

    Nothing less would suffice.

    My egg was served on a separate dish which I always find rather endearing, and the pad krapow itself - an explosion of eastern aromas and flavours.

    Perfect.


  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Not a tat in sight on those amazingly masculine arms.
    Just ignore the masturbating goat caricature tramp-stamp.

  13. #13
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    Was there a visit to soi bus stop/the chicken coup?

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by J Davies
    Was there a visit to soi bus stop

    Dont start him off about bus terminals for christ sake


    http://teakdoor.com/living-in-thaila...-chit-bus.html (Slap gets amorous in the Mor Chit Bus Station Bogs)

  15. #15
    loob lor geezer
    Bangyai's Avatar
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    STS and WTstoke ..................how have I offended thee ?????????

    Did thou nost read most excellent thread on Cha Am before booking thy rooms ?

    ( Link withheld through feigned modesty )

    You could have had a really nice room with sea view ( sans shite breaky ) had thou read about the Nirindorn hotel just up the road.( about 700 baht with pool )
    I grieve to think thou both didst suffereth just to break new ground for the benefit of Withnalstokes blog. I shall prey for thee most ernestly tonight that thy stubborness departs thee hence mucho pronto. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhmen Lao kao etc etc

  16. #16
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    I'm rather concerned that Scribe decided to go against the TD grain; disassociate himself from us.

    There is clearly a TD Chaam hotel; 4 or 5 of us have stayed there, many in the same room, and it has a similar price and location to his spoken desire. Yet, he decided not to share the TD vibe...

    It's saddening. I'm orf for a cry.

    How do I post these pictures???

  17. #17
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bangyai
    STS and WTstoke ..................how have I offended thee ?????????
    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    There is clearly a TD Chaam hotel; 4 or 5 of us have stayed there, many in the same room

    My fault.

    I was knackered after the drive up there, it was dark, and it took me nearly an hour to find the right bit of Cha Am.

    And i like to see the fat bloke suffer panic attacks over everything.

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Not a twat in sight on those amazingly masculine arms.
    Twat's hiding behind the pen!

    Anyway, I offered you and yours the ultimate in luxury with Ya Dong...Never even rang!

  19. #19
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy
    Anyway, I offered you and yours the ultimate in luxury with Ya Dong...Never even rang!
    I spent the whole time sober because i'm an antisocial poof, and so is my boyfriend.

  20. #20
    loob lor geezer
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke View Post

    And i like to see the fat bloke suffer panic attacks over everything.
    No need to put yourself out WTS. Should have told him Por was on his way down for an Isaarn Knees up. Would have had the panic without the suffering.

    As for crosswords......just blag 'em....but take incriminating evidence with you.

  21. #21
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    classic OP.

  22. #22
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    Easy excuses... Not acceptable...

    I'm off to play the geetar. & think about buying a new bike...

    Yours sincerely, Gutted in Nizwa

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    My fault.
    Quoted for posterity.

  24. #24
    splendid and tremendous
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    Not content with the big suitcase of groceries I'd bought the fucker, withnall decided that a quick trip to Burger King and Villa Supermarket in Hua Hin should be made. We reached our destination in a torrential monsoon shower to find that the whole city was underwater. Soiled underwear became the flavour of the hour as withnall's recently acquired automobile traversed three-foot-high tidal waves. Should the engine falter, we would be stranded, and judging by the anguished noises he was making, withnall was ready to set upon the whole population of the city with a blunt instrument.

    With Burger King and indeed Villa Supermarket now out of reach due to the rising flood level, we managed to seek solace in a fucking museum, which, amongst other things, purveyed an interesting line of fast-food.

    This black burger was actually quite pleasant. It took the proprietor a good 10 minutes to rustle up which led me to believe that they sold about one a year, but even so, it hit the spot:


  25. #25
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    After my cycling adventures back in the U.K, I was delighted to note the presence of these four-up tandems. A jaunt along the seafront was most definitely in order.

    I inquired into the price:

    "How much are these fuckers to rent, then?"

    "150 baht an hour."

    "What? An hour? Seriously?"

    "Yes!"

    Despite the ridiculous asking price, I handed over the fee and promised to have the bicycle back to him exactly an hour later.

    10 minutes later the bike was back in its allocated parking slot.

    Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I felt broken. And withnall's reluctance to pull his weight made the experience all the more irksome.

    Last edited by somtamslap; 01-11-2013 at 11:57 AM.

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