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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Breakdown in the Sticks = Bugger

    Ok, so it's hot. No, on second thoughts, I've all of a sudden come to in the depths of Satan's large intestines just as he's about to let rip the 10 large bowls of extra spicy mutton vindaloo he had for tea last night. So it's not just hot, the bubbling tarmac on the road suggests, someone, somewhere is having a fucking laugh..this is not natural, it can't be. I've never been moved to swear at the sun before, but yesterday it even got the finger too, several times..

    Out on the bike and I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere, not out of choice, but because I'm skint you see, and don't have the luxury of turning up the air conditioning whilst adjusting the treble on the 7 million baht stereo that I just installed in my new 567 billion baht car..Summer Breeze, does in fact make me feel fine, especially when it's blowing through cobwebs in my mind..but Satanic Humidity makes me feel like fucking shit..especially when stuck in the poorest part of a economically challenged region.

    The ol bike was ploughing it's way (very noisily, I hasten to add - sounds like it's about to fall apart) down the Highway to Hell (try as I did, that fucking song would not leave my head), I knew that the nearest place where the local farmers didn't fornicate with their livestock was about 40 km's away..in short a place where communities had progressed a little further and it wasn't common place to see gentlemen with 3 eyes up to their nuts in buffalo arse.

    So, please don't breakdown, there's a good bike.

    But, of course, my back tyre found the only nail..nail..can you fucking believe, in a 2000 kilometre radius. The trajectory at which the nail went in suggested that it had been placed up right on the road, meaning that I was in for a severe buggering by seven fingered Somjit...

    Ok, so now what..we have options..

    a) simply start crying
    b) pick up the nearest stick and give the bike a damn good thrashing (Basil Fawlty style)
    c) Drive along at 3 kph until you find a place that sells any form of alcohol, drink for effect, sleep on the side of the road and hope the fairies fix the puncture while you sleep
    d) wait for 7 fingered Somjit to arrive

    So, after a bit of option (a) then a smidgen of option (b) then an arse battering five minutes of option (c), I decided that a buggering was the only way out.

    Some 10 minutes later Somjit and his 7 fingers rustled their way out of the bushes and grunted at me, in that 'I'm here for the livestock, what's your fucking excuse?' tone of voice. I made a gesture towards the back wheel of the bike, to which Somjit suddenly perked up and motioned for me to follow him..

    Down this road..



    Still going..



    Bloody hell, ol 7 fingers isn't such a bad bloke after all..but the owner of this bike shop obviously missed out the Location Location Location section of his business studies 101 book..right in the middle of nowhere



    There's a moral to this story..It reads something like this.."BUY A FUCKING CAR YOU STUPID TWAT"

    Happy travelling folks..

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat
    robuzo's Avatar
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    "Highway to Hell (try as I did, that fucking song would not leave my head)" Call upon the Girl from Ipanema and she will drive any recurring tune out of your head. Getting her to leave is another story.

    I find Thais at their most sympathetic when it comes to motosy breakdowns. Maybe I've just been lucky.

    Wouldn't a broken down car be more of a pain in the ass?
    “You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.” Dorothy Parker

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by robuzo
    Wouldn't a broken down car be more of a pain in the ass?
    Sure, but I seem to be getting a lot of punctures of late..also had to have the chain guard removed yesterday. I think it got so hot that it folded in on itself and started making some rather unhealthy sounds..fortunately that happened right outside a motorbike shop..but the cheeky bastard charged me 20 bt to take it off..30 seconds work..outrageous!!

  4. #4
    On a walkabout
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    Were having guests today and my wife told me about how long the grass is.

    I went outside to have a look and after feeling the effects of the boiler above me told my wife I have a puncture in my rear left thong.

  5. #5
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Loy Toy
    rear left thong.
    You wear a thong on each buttock?

  6. #6
    loob lor geezer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post

    There's a moral to this story..It reads something like this.."BUY A FUCKING CAR YOU STUPID TWAT"

    Happy travelling folks..
    Afraid not ST. When the car dies in the middle of nowhere its worse !! At least whenever a bike I've been riding has broken down its normaly not been too long before a pick up comes by and offers to transport me and machine to civilization. In a car you are pretty ' cattled ' as they say.

    As for the heat. Down here in Bangyai , our in the shade thermometer showed 39 at 3.00 p.m. yesterday !!! Fooooooking hot !

  7. #7
    Thailand Expat terry57's Avatar
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    Foking hell mate, Thailand is so hot in April-May that they can bash it up there arse.

    I mean AUSSY can get hot in summer but there's something about Thai heat that simply does a dudes head in.

    I say = A big fok that .

    Any way good luck with the scoot.
    Stroller is a Yerman faggot.

  8. #8
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    meaning that I was in for a severe buggering by seven fingered Somjit...
    Did Somjit and his seven digits sort out your inner tube then somtam?

  9. #9
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Did Somjit and his seven digits sort out your inner tube then somtam?
    Somjit was last seen loitering with intent around a pack of canines suffering from heat stroke..


    Quote Originally Posted by Bangyai
    As for the heat. Down here in Bangyai , our in the shade thermometer showed 39 at 3.00 p.m. yesterday !!! Fooooooking hot
    Never known heat like it, not a cloud in the sky..I'm officially blacker than anyone in my village now..


    Quote Originally Posted by terry57
    Any way good luck with the scoot.
    ..cheers mate, although I think it's time to hang the keys up on those long journies..not good to drift in and out of conciousness on those big roads..

  10. #10
    ding ding ding
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bangyai
    our in the shade thermometer showed 39 at 3.00 p.m. yesterday !!! Fooooooking hot !
    I was at a Thai wedding about that time under a plastic tent...phew! I had to drink beer at an alarming rate just to try and keep cool

    I visited Norton on the way home, pissed out of my tree Sorry about that Norts!

  11. #11
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    It has been a tad warm lately....hotter than last year here.

    Global warming....don't ignore it.

    We are all walking towards extinction.

  12. #12
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    BugginOut's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nawty View Post
    It has been a tad warm lately....hotter than last year here.

    Global warming....don't ignore it.

    We are all walking towards extinction.
    How about you? Are you ignoring it or engaging in ways to reduce your impact on the environment?

  13. #13
    pompeybloke
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    Quote Originally Posted by robuzo
    I find Thais at their most sympathetic when it comes to motosy breakdowns. Maybe I've just been lucky.
    Have to concur with this comment. Never far away from a repair shop even in the remotest places like somtam slap, but the repair work is done with a smile, without fuss and just 20 baht for a basic puncture repair everytime in Thailand.

  14. #14
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    Gipsy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    someone, somewhere is having a...
    ...sunstroke? Definitely!

    Here, stare at this picture for exactly 34 seconds, you'll feel better!


  15. #15
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pompeybloke
    without fuss and just 20 baht for a basic puncture repair everytime in Thailand
    Cost me 80 baht for a new inner tube, also made 3 oil changes, first one at 90bt, second at 130 bt, third at 100bt (only cos he couldn't change the 200bt I gave him for his initial request of 120bt - ha, suits you, sir)..I was particularly strict with the oil changes as my bike stopped and wouldn't move again a month or so back cos I'd been taking it for hefty runs and over looking the ol namun coueng..big mistake...2,500bt mistake as it happens..


    Quote Originally Posted by Gipsy
    Here, stare at this picture for exactly 34 seconds, you'll feel better!
    My face - that snow...now

  16. #16
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    slimboyfat's Avatar
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    Nice thread. Better than 'Breakdown in Bournemouth' which is what we are seeing in MKP

  17. #17
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BugginOut
    Are you ignoring it or engaging in ways to reduce your impact on the environment?
    I tell the lunatics at 7/11 that my cigarette lighter does not merit being put in a plastic bin bag and can they please grow a brain and wipe that ridiculous smile of your fucking face when I am educating you about not be such a spastic..

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by BugginOut
    Are you ignoring it or engaging in ways to reduce your impact on the environment?
    I tell the lunatics at 7/11 that my cigarette lighter does not merit being put in a plastic bin bag and can they please grow a brain and wipe that ridiculous smile of your fucking face when I am educating you about not be such a spastic..
    Personally I welcome this, as it means that I never have to buy bin bags.

    Unfortunately it also means that I buy 3 lighters a week from 7-11

  19. #19
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    I enjoyed reading about your misery, as sbf says makes a change form whining poms and apple pies. And good to know that the Thais aren't always as daft as they look... well maybe they are but they know how to fix the more basic necessities in life without too much hassle or complaint.

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by slimboyfat
    Unfortunately it also means that I buy 3 lighters a week from 7-11
    Not at all, "Can I help you Sir".."No, I'm just browsing"..."Browsing?!..well, you'll need at least 10 carrier bags for that then..take them..fucking TAKE THEM..PLEASE!?"..

    It's 7/11's version of a lady drink, I'm certain of it..

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by BugginOut
    How about you? Are you ignoring it or engaging in ways to reduce your impact on the environment?
    Engaging.

    But we can all do more.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by robuzo
    Wouldn't a broken down car be more of a pain in the ass?
    Sure, but I seem to be getting a lot of punctures of late..also had to have the chain guard removed yesterday. I think it got so hot that it folded in on itself and started making some rather unhealthy sounds..fortunately that happened right outside a motorbike shop..but the cheeky bastard charged me 20 bt to take it off..30 seconds work..outrageous!!

    I guess you are taking the piss. Back home multipy that 20 baht by 20. Thailand is the best place in the world to be if your bike has a problem. Never more than 30 minutes or so from a repair. Break down in central Australia for example (happened to me) and then you have a real problem. Make sure you have plenty of water with you. Not a problem here. Cheers. Having another Sang Som.

  23. #23
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    stop moaning about the heat, i left there in april and been shivering in England ever since.You are lucky.shivering in May thats how fckd the world has become,cold in Canada and AUSTRALIA and you whinning.GET REAL.

  24. #24
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    Fabian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BugginOut View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Nawty View Post
    It has been a tad warm lately....hotter than last year here.

    Global warming....don't ignore it.

    We are all walking towards extinction.
    How about you? Are you ignoring it or engaging in ways to reduce your impact on the environment?
    Global warning my arse, here it's ten degrees and still waiting for that superior weather. Seems like what's warmer in Thailand is getting colder here.

  25. #25
    Member ShilohJim's Avatar
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    After all the rubbish, some local did offer a helping hand and got you going again. If the heat was that bad it seems poor planning was the order of the day, should have called for deep shade and plenty of cold beer.

    Shiloh Jim

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