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  1. #1
    anonymous ant
    tsicar's Avatar
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    Is Isaan shit-boring?

    a typical 24 hours for me in isaan:

    2.30 am
    the neighbour's teenage son wakes up and cranks up his ghetto-blaster full volume. i think he resents the fact that other people dont suffer from insomnia, too. nobody complains.(his mother tells me she doesn't reprimand him, because she is scared he won't love her if she does!)
    i get up to pee out of the upstairs window, coz the electricity is off agen, and i dont want to fall down the stairs (agen). eventually manage to block the irritating shite music from my brain, and fall asleep.
    4.30am
    wake up to the sound of the hatchery pickup, selling fish fingerlings, advertising their wares at full volume. he has stopped to have a chat with "buffalo man", but didnt turn the tape off. don't know how the fuck they hear each other. i give up on the sleep thing, coz i have to be up at 5 to get the kids up for school. i wake them up, and they start fighting before their eyes are fully open. (as usual), so they each get a crack
    4.40am
    nothing in the fridge , and cant buy descent bread here, so its gonna be rice and eggs for breakfast. i fukkin hate rice. crank up th rice cooker and belt both the kids again.
    5.00 am
    the kids get their third hiding, and i stuff them into the shower. need coffee, but it is all finished so i take a walk up to grandma's mom-and-pop shop to buy some more. grandma's friend, 65years old, drunk as a skunk spits some beetlenut and asks me: "mmdjubhwgdg"? i reply: "mmjjfkkoff" in my best thai, pay for the coffee and go home. kids fighting over ownership of a dungbeetle, so i crack them both and throw the bloody thing out the window
    6.00 am
    i hear my neighbour,"buffalo-man" stirring, hocking up the night's post-nasal drip, and spitting. oh, shit! he's on the way to my house!
    he enters the house uninvited, snorts and spits in the indoor plant, and proudly announces that his pisscreek motorbike wont start and i gotta come fix it NOW! i tell him i will have a look at it, just parkl it in the drive, and come back this afternoon. he sits down, waiting for me to drop everything to help him. i carry on doing my thing and ignore him.
    7.20am
    load the two kids and the dog on the bike and take them to school.
    teacher tells me he needs an haircut, and i explain that i already cut it last WEDNESDAY, and she sez they must look like the other kids and i say they are farang and i wont and she sez they will get lice and i say why dont the girls shave their heads do girls not get lice and she cant answer and i tell her to piss off and now she knows i wont back down so she does.
    8.00am
    i get back and buffalo man is still there, but now he is going through my cupboards, and doesnt bother to stop or look embarrassed when he sees me. i ignore him until he asks to borrow my electric drill, and i give him the old one he returned burned out the last time he borrowed it, and he sez, but it is burned out, and i ask him why he didn't tell me when he returned it last time, and he just ignores me.
    9.00am
    a sidecar outfit arrives with a police officer in the sidecar. the driver gets off, and falls over. he is the guy employed to clean the shithouse at the police station, and he is pissed out of his scull. the officer buys some catfish, and they leave, but not before trying to borrow the catch-net. i refuse because they didnt return the last on i lent them. buffalo man finally gets the message and pisses off
    10.00 am
    miaaw arrives and tells me her husband sez he knows i have been bonking her. i calm her down, and while i am bonking her in the shower, some idiot arrives to present me with a chicken her idiot farang brother-in-law got all excited about catching and wanted to donate to me. i shout for her to leave it at the door and piss off, but she insists on handing it to me personally.i finish the job quickly, and pull on some pants and walk outside bent double, and accept the chicken and get inside and miaw wants to know if i dont want any more and i told her i finished already and i am ok and she sez what about her and i say its too late and she pisses off in a huff. women!
    11.00am
    pon arrives and asks me to translate and write a love letter to her fat stupid boyfriend,brian in england, but it turns out to be a request for money to start a pig farm, and i try to refuse, and tell her she will piss him off but she insists so i do it and she leaves but not before trying to convince me to marry her shit-ugly sister.
    12.00
    fix buffalo man's bike, and fone him to fetch it. he gives me a bottle of warm chang in payment, opens it and glugs down half of it before handing it to me. i refuse politely and finally i am shot of him.
    1.00pm
    i fetch the youngest kid from nursery school, and have to ride the bike home with a flat tyre. i pull out the tube and get prepared to do yet another patch, but the patches are all finished so i take it to the bikeshop and they put on five patches and charge me more than if i had replaced the tube and i want to say something but i dont and i go home and fix the bloody thing.
    3.00pm
    peace for about 20minutes before the kids start up again and they get another hiding and i get some idiot arriving with a new seal to fit to his bike's kickstart spindle coz he doesnt know how, and i find the kickstart has been welded to the shaft and that is why the seal burned and leaked and i tell him i cant help him and he sez no problem, just grind it off and fit the seal and weld it back on agen and i try to explain but he doesnt listen so i do it and he gives me a bottle of warm chang and drinks half of it himself.
    5.00pm.
    i round up the kids and take a walk up to the talaat-nut to get supplies, and mick is sitting at the concrete table outside grandma's house and he invites me to join him for a beer and i say i shouldn't be drinking with what i got and he asks what i got and i say i got 5 baht and he takes pity and buys me one.
    i glug it down and excuse myself to go buy the shit i need at the talaat across the road.
    5.30
    i gotta go up this row of stalls to get to the lady selling the pork and there is no way of getting there without passing the three buckets of bla-raa on sale. normally i can hold my breath long enough, but now there is some guy selling durian,too, and i get to breathe the shit,but i eventually get to the pork-lady and there are more flies sitting on her than on the pork and she doesnt even notice it and i buy the pork and get the hell back to grandma's and mick buys me another beer.
    6.30pm
    crack the beer and some thai guy arrives and sits down at the table and asks for some beer and we both ignore him. eventually he asks me where his glass is, and i get up and get him one and place it down, empty in front of him and carry on talking to mick. he starts tapping the glass on the table, trying to get our attention, but we ignore him. he reaches for mick's bottle to help himself, and mick moves the bottle out of his reach and carries on talking to me. then the guy reaches for mine and i do the same thing and eventually he gets the message and goes off in a huff.
    mick is in a generous mood, and gets me well pissed before his wife arrives to take him home.
    8.30pm
    i gather the kids and take the bag of pork and the plastic bag with three dozen eggs and head for home. my youngest decides he is too tired to walk, so i have to carry him, too
    9.00 pm
    kids are asleep and i sit down with a cup of coffee and i put the tv on and i fall asleep and pour boiling hot coffee all over my balls, and i give up and go to bed.
    9.30
    sleep,finally. long day tomorrow, its my visa run and i know i will have the mutha of hangovers, but at least i won't see buffalo man for a whole day.

    tomorrow i will fight the cambodian immigration officials again when i refuse to pay the bribes . they never give up, but its getting a little easier now they know i dont back down.
    i am too pissed to wake up to the noise of the ghetto blaster, and for now, all's right with the world.

    i love isaan!

  2. #2
    Member corvettelover's Avatar
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    thanks for the giggle

  3. #3
    better looking than Ned
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    Well sounds nothing like where I live but then I didnt bother reading more than a few lines.
    Isan is what you make of it.
    Which part of Isan do you live

  4. #4
    Member Thaddeus's Avatar
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    You sound like a frustrated mechanic with a penchant for making other people miserable, especially children ..... did you used to work for Kwik-Fit by any chance?

  5. #5
    anonymous ant
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rigger View Post
    Well sounds nothing like where I live but then I didnt bother reading more than a few lines.
    Isan is what you make of it.
    Which part of Isan do you live
    'bout halfway between korat and buriram. nothing there, not even a stopstreet in the village, you have to drive at 20kph on the main road, or you would miss it! ibut never a dull moment. i posted this because many people ask me why the hell i would want to live out in the sticks, and all the people i know who do, enjoy it. it takes getting used to,but i wouldnt swap it for anywhere else in the world.

  6. #6
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    Did I miss something ? Dont seam to mention your wife /girlfriend just screwing some other guys missus in the shower ? Not that theres anything wrong with that !

  7. #7
    Member The_Dude's Avatar
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    Not sure if I feel sorry for your poor ass being in this situation or think you are making up this story. Either way. Like the BM said it's what you make of Issan that counts.

  8. #8
    Thailand Expat
    Marmite the Dog's Avatar
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    That was a damn good read. Cheers.

  9. #9
    Member sledge's Avatar
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    Yep , A damn good read over lunch , cheered up my day.

  10. #10
    Thailand Expat
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    Yup, well written, I wish I had such a rich and fulfilling life as you but sadly my consists of : Getting my girls into the shower, making the breakfast, delivering them to school and thats the highlights.
    If I am feeling adventurous I might go into the local shopping centre for a bit of a perve at the lucious student totty there,if I ma lucky I might score a peek at their nubile & developing titties as a blouse gapes open.
    Maybe a couple of tacos for lunch.
    Pick my daughters up from school, and wander down to the village.
    There usually are a couple of other old cvnts down there sitting around table, so we act like the emotionally retarted senile old fools we are and perve at the girls, flirt with the lady boys, specially the ones with big baps.
    Get a liittle pissed, go home. Maybe give the 'ol lady a bit of a dorking (but usually not) slam down a 1/2 bottle of cheap whisky and off to bed. Yup ! Lifes good out in the boonies.

  11. #11
    Thailand Expat

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    Quote Originally Posted by peterpan
    slam down a 1/2 bottle of cheap whisky and off to bed
    Gulp! Half a bottle in one sitting? And I thought my six-beer-per-evening habit was a bit excessive.

    Time to buy a bottle of Pipers....

  12. #12
    Thailand Expat
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    Up here BH, I drink the half bottle by myself because I am too ashamed to disclose that fact that I don't finish the bottle in one sitting. Some of the Jermany boys up here get through 8 or 9 full bottles of beers each night.

  13. #13
    anonymous ant
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sparky View Post
    Did I miss something ? Dont seam to mention your wife /girlfriend just screwing some other guys missus in the shower ? Not that theres anything wrong with that !
    wife did a runner with the money one month after i moved to thailand about four years ago, so what i described was one of my more boring days, since i have to work to scratch a living in between all the stuff that goes on. the other guy is one of the thais i suspect of having boinked my ex after she left, so it was kind of a revenge thing, letting him know about it.(HER idea, not mine!) a few days later he ripped out all her hair by the roots and branded her body with a piece of red-hot metal, so i owe him bigtime.(don't get mad-get even!)
    by the way, i don't really beat the boys that much, mostly they get away with murder cos i am too busy to beat them.
    tsicar

  14. #14
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    Great post. Made my morning a little brighter.

  15. #15
    anonymous ant
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog View Post
    That was a damn good read. Cheers.
    thanx, marmite. had expected a flaming for percieved thai-bashing (and thai-boinking) . think those guys all stayed behind on tv! thank god! they deserve each other
    cheers

  16. #16
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by tsicar View Post

    wife did a runner with the money one month after i moved to thailand about four years ago,
    Thats a bit of a bummer tsicar! still one thing that not short in Issarn is ready and willing available pussy.

    Beats me how you scratch out any sort of a living up here tho'.

  17. #17
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    Great Post single dad of two

    and nice to hear it was one of your slow days.

    Cant imagine what a fast paced one could be
    like, but should you have one any time soon,
    do drop a few more lines and illuminate us.

    Justly bashing your kids lovingly, I'm all for it, and it aint nobodies beezwax!
    Being a single parent in the Issan stix making ends meet,
    gotta be one hell of a tough job!
    Respect

  18. #18
    I am in Jail
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    great read

    still I wonder why some people complain that their life in Britain or farangland is hell with all the responsibilities and mortgage, and yet will move to Issaan to face similar "hassle" in life.

    Still an excellent post

  19. #19
    Special member
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    Thanks from me too, nice one tsicar!

  20. #20
    I am in Jail

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    Ditto for me on the congrats. Mind if I ask if you are the natural father for all the kids? It would be even more commendable if you're not.

  21. #21
    anonymous ant
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    Quote Originally Posted by chinthee View Post
    Ditto for me on the congrats. Mind if I ask if you are the natural father for all the kids? It would be even more commendable if you're not.
    they are my own kids, so no accolade necessary. actually it's much easier to bring up kids in thailand than abroad.-one of the reasons i decided to live in isaan was to improve their quality of life. anyway, the reason i posted was not to look for sympathy-(i don't deserve it, i have a great life), but rather to demonstrate that life in isaan is not boring, is a laugh a minute, and i can recommend the isaan village life to anybody wanting to retire there. granted, it is not for everybody, and you really do need a sense of humour, and a few good friends to share the jokes with. even old "buffalo man" didnt piss me off too much once i started seeing the funny side of it all, but it took time, believe me!
    cheers

  22. #22
    Thailand Expat
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    Great read, made me chuckle!

  23. #23
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    Good post. Never lived in Issan, but I lived in central Thailand, Nakorn Sawan for 8 months. Not for me, that up-country living. I admire those who can pull it off. I gotta have my western mod-cons and farang restaurants.

  24. #24
    Thailand Expat
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    ^ I didn't think it was for me either, I have been resisting the better half for 8 years, but made the move a year ago and been quite happy about it, in fact don't really look foward to my Bangkok trips anymore. As far as Farang needs, of couse its going to be different for eveybody but here we have a couple of good Italian restaurants and maybe 5 good English / Irish style pubs, if you get bored with those tough, thats it.
    Doesn't worry me because in the main I prefer Thai food and in the case I need something else I enjoy to make it myself.
    Most things are available here, a guy in Nong Kai sells a pretty good range of imported foods a couple of the German restaurants do good small goods and bread.
    On the upside, little traffic, clean air and the cost of living is way way less than Bangkok. I can jump on my bike and be in the country with great riding, in minutes.
    I will never convince any one that its a good substitute for Bangkok but its what you make of it and what your needs are. I found after 14 years living in Bangkok, most of what it offered I wasn't using anyway.

  25. #25
    Luckydog
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    Quote Originally Posted by astasinim View Post
    Great post. Made my morning a little brighter.
    Yeah. Brighter 'cos it's YOUR miserable existance, and NOT MINE!

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