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  1. #1
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    Sombat Knackersack's Isaan adventure

    Sombat Knackersack was a simple man. A product of a long line of subsistence farmers who eked out an existence on the scorched Isaan soil, he was a gentleman hankering for little more than a regular slurp of his favourite alcoholic tipple and the occasional thicket fumble with a village whoopsie. His recreational pursuits, however, had seen our good Mr Knackersack accrue many a black mark to his name...

    Having sired a dozen or more children, all of whom were callously neglected whenever a pay day came to pass, Sombat had become hate figure among the female contingent.

    And one evening, after imbibing a quite obscene measure of the indigenous brew, not only did he wantonly defecate all over the local shop keeper's fastidiously fashioned fruit and vegetable display, but he was also compelled to perform a series of hateful carnal acts in a neighbouring pig pen.

    That was it. Enough was enough.

    Banished to the big smoke by an incensed Poo Yai Baan, Sombat used his scant savings and boarded a Bangkok bound train. He spent the subsequent 16 months routing through rubbish bins, amassing piles of recycleable refuse and essentially exchanging them for small bottles of alcohol.

    Even though he had become accustomed to urban living, Sombat still yearned for those rustic days of yore. And with Songkran now around the corner, he decided that a trip back into the never never should transpire, perchance to make amends with his erstwhile farming companions.

    Sombat left on the April 10. After begrudgingly using his last 500 baht for a bus ticket, he nestled into a seat at the back of the vehicle and began making in roads into the large bottle of Lau he had bought especially for the journey.

    Two hours into the trip, though, Sombat was unceremoniously ejected from the vehicle. He had taken fantastic offence at the lady sitting next to him who was apparently chewing her betel nut parcel with a little too much gusto for his liking. In a bid to illustrate his frustration, Sombat unzipped his fly and proceeded to urinate in the mortar before beating her unconscious with the pestle.

    Now, after just having breached the north-east Thai boundary, Mr Knackersack found himself very drunk, very angry, very lost, and very, very skint.

    In a village called Klang Dong in Nakhon Ratchasima province, Sombat sipped at the dawdling contents of his bottle and considered his next move...



    As luck would have it, just as he was mulling over the finer points of stabbing himself in the throat with a sharpened stick, Sombat managed to hitch a ride a few clicks up the road on a motorcycle. Yet this only served to deposit our hero deeper into the wilderness, where a harem of musky harlots tended lazily to their cassava plantation...



    To be continued...

  2. #2
    splendid and tremendous
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    The ever-brazen Mr Knackersack, unable to contain himself at the sight of female flesh toiling in a field, promptly called over to them, inquiring in no uncertain terms as to whether or not they wanted a piece of the 'Knackersack knob'. His yells, however, only served to stir their snoozing husbands who, angered at Sombat's audacity, went on to chase the silly sod eight-odd amphurs up the road.

    The hour was now growing late, and Sombat's thoughts turned to food and shelter.

    Then, as he'd resigned himself to a night in a ditch, Sombat's guardian angel appeared.

    And he was driving a beaten-up makeshift farming contraption...


  3. #3
    Lord of Swine
    Necron99's Avatar
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  4. #4
    splendid and tremendous
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    The guardian angel - or Boomcrack, such was his name- bundled the ailing Sombat into the back of his truck and gunned the engine. He'd just completed a hard day's graft in amid the paddy fields and was keen to head home for a plate of supper.

    The appearance of Sombat had hardly been a surprise. It was commonplace for folk of his ilk to be found staggering aimlessly with several gallons of lau khao on the belch. Boomcrack's locale, indeed Isaan in its entirety, was renown for such characters.

    The weary Boomcrack, however, was a good egg. One of very few. His peers would often supplement their day's labour with a liver-walloping measure of booze, but the trusted Boomcrack was a loyal family man whose earnings would never be squandered on such frivolities.

    The journey back to his village, just north of the Chaiyapum border from Ratchasima, was undertaken to a soundtrack of Sombat's tumultuous snoring, interspersed with semi-conscious screeches of what Boomcrack could only surmise to be the onset of insanity. And when Sombat had finallly shouted himself awake, he continued his tirade by demanding "more fucking booze, right cunting now". Affable as ever, Boomcrack stopped at a local convenience store, and in stampeded a rampant Mr Knackersack...


  5. #5
    Lord of Swine
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    If this journey of discovery, enlightenment (and unlikely redemption) doesn't end up in Mai Arse I shall be well disappointed.....

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    T

    either knackersack is a giant, or the truck was built for pygmy types.

    is this parable a thai version of gullivers travels?

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    Mai Arse
    I think Sombat's interprovincial meanderings will definitely see him pass through in a whirlwind of vomit and urine at some stage. Is that the Mai Arse in Khon Kaen or Surin?



    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile
    either knackersack is a giant
    Monsewer Knackersack is indeed a giant amongst men, and the director needs to work desparately on his cinematography. Nil desparandum, we have the entire region to explore and make good.

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
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    Google maps rocks, by the way

  9. #9
    Lord of Swine
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    Mai Arse
    I think Sombat's interprovincial meanderings will definitely see him pass through in a whirlwind of vomit and urine at some stage. Is that the Mai Arse in Khon Kaen or Surin?
    .

    All folk in the know know...



    Popular and leading Thai Expat Forum TeakDoor has announced the opening of its new Saloon & Goat Emporium in the very cool downtown Mai Arse.

    Located conveniently 3 kilometers down a cobra infested dirt track, just 20 kilometers from the Khon Kaen highway turnoff, this latest hotspot is sure to be a hit with tourists and locals alike.

  10. #10
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Eventually they arrived in Boomcrack's village. He showed Sombat to the guest quarters to freshen up before supper...


  11. #11
    Lord of Swine
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    I must say Slapper, that Sombat's adventures are, up until this point, decidedly....
    Unadventurous....

  12. #12
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    Nonsense. It's an edge-of-your-seat yarn and a half.

  13. #13
    Lord of Swine
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    See, I was taught in film school that the key to writing a page turner was the pacing of the chapters. Each chapter or section of the film needed to take it's audience on a journey of highs and lows culminating in the proverbial cliffhanger scene.

    Now an analysis of one such ripping yarn, the most excellent Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom looks like this.




    See? Each of those peaks represents a key scene that left the audience to scared to go for a piss in case they missed the following one.


    Now a similar analysis of said Sombat's aimless meanderings through google streetview sadly looks like this.









    That'll be 250 quid for professional services thanks..

  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
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    Don't let the initial slow burn fool you.

    This is the calm before the Knackersack storm.

  15. #15
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    Knackersack, Knackersack, roaming 'cross the glen
    Knackersack, Knackersack, cannot count to ten

    After freshening up, Knackersack decided to explore his new surroundings. His nuts weighed heavy and his pendulus penis swung boisterously in his underpants. Knackersack indeed required flesh, and post haste.

    However, Knackersack was decidedly short of baht and therefore a trip to the local knocking shop was out of the question.

    He would instead have to burglarise some bottie.

    Finding a likely spot, he lay in wait for a suitable piece of snatch...


  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Nonsense. It's an edge-of-your-seat yarn and a half.
    Im still on the edge of my seat to see how sombat crawls his way through rural Issan.............

  17. #17
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    The Knackersack saga shall shortly be resuming.

  18. #18
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    Is he going to shag that old bint on the motorcy?

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    The Knackersack saga shall shortly be resuming.
    He'll end up passed out next to a sleeping buffalo, only to be awakened by Grandma rubbing his crotch while simultaneously fondingly her breasts so hard her nipples shower The Knackershack in an odoriferous mixture of freshly ground mud and buffalo shit.

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy
    Is he going to shag that old bint on the motorcy?
    Quote Originally Posted by CSFFan
    He'll end up passed out next to a sleeping buffalo, only to be awakened by Grandma rubbing his crotch while simultaneously fondingly her breasts so hard her nipples shower The Knackershack in an odoriferous mixture of freshly ground mud and buffalo shit.
    This may have role-play potential.

    a) Knackersack shags the old bint on the motorcy

    b) He curls up next to a buffalo for the night

    c) He hits a bar or two in the nearest town

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Knackersack shags the old bint on the motorcy
    Who is so grateful she gives him her last 100B and a bottle of Lao Khao....

  22. #22
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    this "50 shades of knackersack" saga seems to have reached a dead end, writers cramp perhaps.

    i suggest a he has a dream sequence reliving the triumphs of his finest days before he succumbs to the alcoholism, laziness and incontinence that have reduced him to the filthy odorous degenerate being he has now become.

    yes, its been done before, but it might work as a parable for our times.

  23. #23
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    The wanton Knackersack, despite his persistent adavances, struck out with the ladies.

    In his bid to woo his way into the boudoir of unsuspecting village harlots, Knackersack would eschew elementary social practices, and offer himself 'bollocks first' to any female unlucky enough to cross his path.

    The screams and screeches of sheer terror which this elicited, alerted the men folk and once again the most appalling Knackersack was chased out of town, finally losing the baying crowd behind him in a small moo ban.

    Now fresh out of alcohol, Knackersack fell into a terrible depression. His pilgrimmage back to the village had been riddled wih hurdles and hindrance, and with a forlorn, defeated sigh he sidled up to a soi dog, perchance to seek solace in its anus.

    Poor old Knackersack.

    But tomorrow was indeed a new day...


    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile
    filthy odorous degenerate being
    I foresee some business cards being made up for Mr Knackersack.

    Last edited by somtamslap; 01-03-2015 at 02:25 AM.

  24. #24
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    I reckon he fucks off over to the UK and takes up writing for a living

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kurgen
    I reckon he fucks off over to the UK and takes up writing for a living
    That's a bit far fetched.

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