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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Por beats up Cobra with Shovel, Soiled underwear ensuses

    I'm no longer going to post in the Living in Thailand aka SPAM fest forum, so I'll stick whatever I have to write in here with a flimsy chance that the Nigerian peasant folk won't get me with their incomprehensible 'advertising'. It really is quite offensive that they would consider this marketing strategy to work on fully functional human beings - although saying that my medicine cupboard seems to have subconsciously stocked itself with a rather hearty supply of viagra. Drunken kitten buggery is all the rage down our way at present. I'll teach you to stand in my food you cnuts!

    I've just returned from a fortnight sabbatical which gave me the opportunity, almost perpetually, to beat up my children. Infants and holidays simply do not mix, especially when one is situated by unnecessarily large bodies of water i.e. the fucking sea, where it is commonplace to bear witness to youngsters conducting themselves in a manner not unlike a swarm of squirrels strung-out on high grade speed - and there's only so much time Pater can be arsed making unproductive sorties into the filth of the Siamese Gulf.

    Nonetheless I returned to Isaan feeling relatively rested. Indeed any time away from the dusty, red soil of the Northeast is most welcomed, although I did find myself cringing away from the saggy skinned Western contingent on a frequent basis. How dare you aim your crinkle cut wads of flesh in my direction - fuck off back to your ghoulash, Ivan, you terrible bastard.

    So with a weight having been somewhat lifted from the weathered shoulders of my Isaan scarred psyche, I stepped into the morning sun today with a pleasant sensation of rejuvenation - which of course lasted no more than 10 fucking minutes.

    I put on my wellington boots and made my way to the rear of our property with a view to make it look presentable. The heavy rains and blazing sunshine is rather quite conducive to making a jungle of one's garden in approximately 7 billiseconds, so I popped on the gloves and began a spot of weeding. Yes, weeding the fucking jungle.

    I'd just began moving a set of concrete tubing which had been used for a previous dragon fruit plantation when I felt one of them get noticeable lighter and heard a thud behind me on the floor.

    The status of my underpants was immediately upgraded to extreme 'code red' as I noticed a large cobra some 6 inches from my left wellington boot.

    After I'd dropped the tube and ran away extremely fast, Por, who had been working along side me, approached the fucking monster with the repose of a man who was taking an evening stroll along the banks of the Thames, raised his shovel and gave the serpent, who was now slithering towards the shelter of a log/concrete post ensemble, an almighty wallop.

    Credit where credit's due, with half of its innards decidedly not being 'in' anymore, the snake continued its journey towards the solace of the log and slipped beneath it.

    Por, the nutcase, immediately pounced on the pile of lumber and tried to unearth the beast, but my wife, the ultimate nutcase, told him not to and somehow managed to contain the fucking thing in a plastic bag whilst it was spitting furious amounts of venom at her.

  2. #2
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Bollocks - can't post pics with this new photobucket.

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Yes, I can..

  4. #4
    Thailand Expat
    aging one's Avatar
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    Go back to the old, they give you the option. I sure as hell did.

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    The offending concrete piping - shattered on the ground after being dropped and sprinted away:


  6. #6
    On a walkabout
    Loy Toy's Avatar
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    I cannot see any snake in that picture mate.

    Is it already on the barbie?

    Anyway another great tale and thank fvck for your wellies.

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    The snake being liberated from the pile. You can see its guts hanging out if you squint:


  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Pinned down and spitting like a hooligan:


  9. #9
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Finally bagged up and taken into the jungle. My Mrs is a fucking lunatic..


  10. #10
    Lord of Swine
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    Was there any squealing like a little girl as you ran?

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aging one
    Go back to the old, they give you the option. I sure as hell did.
    Just did that. Cheers mate.


    [QUOTE="Loy Toy" thank fvck for your wellies.[/QUOTE] I didn't lunge for me, thank Christ - but the wellies provided great escape material for sure.

    I was fucking shatting bricks hence the poor quality of the pics. Not only was I shaking like a little girl but I left the flash on too.

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    Was there any squealing like a little girl as you ran?
    A huge amount. I actually screamed.

  13. #13
    On a walkabout
    Loy Toy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I was fucking shatting bricks hence the poor quality of the pics.
    The only thing that I could divulge from the first few pics was that you had been attacked and scared shitless by a piece of green garden hose.

  14. #14
    Lord of Swine
    Necron99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    Was there any squealing like a little girl as you ran?
    A huge amount. I actually screamed.

    Perfect.

    My first snake encounter and first genuine adrenaline rush was when I was about 8. Out rabbit shooting and heard something move in the long grass. Slowly crept up to let bugs have it with my .410 and a huge red bellied black snake came slivering towards me. I threw the shotty at it and next thing I knew I was about 50 meters away, the annoying squealing I heard during this I later realized was me.

  15. #15
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    the annoying squealing I heard during this I later realized was me.
    Yes. I think I was still subconsciously whimpering for a good 30 minutes after the event.

    I now have a great deal of fear for the mrs.

  16. #16
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    That Por.

    Tough old bastard, mental, or still drunk?

  17. #17
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Tough old bastard, mental, or still drunk?
    He'd just necked an M roi haa-sip quat of his favourite tipple, meaning at that moment in time, Por was indestructible.

  18. #18
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    ^
    Ahh.

    Issarn kryptonite.

  19. #19
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    A fine tale of courage, valour, bravery and a Farang chicken shit in a pair of wellies and marigolds

  20. #20
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    Yep, we had one in our second bedroom; let the village experts handle/kill it.
    Very disquieting experience. Glad all is well...

  21. #21
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    A fine tale of courage, valour, bravery and a Farang chicken shit in a pair of wellies and marigolds
    I will, if I may, refer you to exhibit 289..

    Slap is no stranger to snake battery.

  22. #22
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grower
    Very disquieting experience. Glad all is well...
    Yes and thanks. It is far from funny having to deal with deadly, psychotic reptiles.

    There are more here, of that I'm sure.

  23. #23
    Thailand Expat
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    We've seen a few cobras but not up close. How far can those things spit anyway? My weapon of choice is only 5 feet long.

  24. #24
    Lord of Swine
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    Quote Originally Posted by thailazer View Post
    We've seen a few cobras but not up close. How far can those things spit anyway? My weapon of choice is only 5 feet long.
    10 feet.

  25. #25
    splendid and tremendous
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    From what I've seen, and this is the third spitting cobra I've come across within a stones throw from my front door, is that the distance of the spit all depends on how far the cobra manages to draw its neck back.

    The dead one above spat at me from some 4 feet away and covered my shirt with its unpleasant shit, but it had time to move its head a long way back before lunging forward in a striking motion.

    The one today was pathetic in comparison but had the desired effect - on me anyway.

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