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  1. #1
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    Isaan driving test - try your luck

    After a couple of days motoring about the fair province of Isaan I think I’ve worked out what the local driving theory test must be.
    Feel free to add corrections or additions.

    Situational awareness is -
    A) useful on Mars
    B) a foreign concept
    C) for pansies who think too much


    Overtaking over double lines is -
    A) okay if you’re in a hurry
    B) okay if no one gets seriously hurt
    C) okay


    Overtaking over single lines is -
    A) usually okay
    B) recommended at night
    C) not an issue


    Overtaking over broken lines is-
    A) a letdown
    B) displaying lack of initiative
    C) for weaklings


    Overtaking on blind corners is -
    A) normal
    B) thrilling
    C) corners can be blinded ?


    Overtaking before a crest is -
    A) an option
    B) the sensible choice
    C) an expression of confidence


    A dual carriageway is -
    A) room enough for three scooters, a pickup and a truck all side by side
    B) an opportunity to increase speed to Warp Factor 7
    C) always under repair


    The right lane of a dual carriageway is for -
    A) you and only you
    B) reducing the risk of colliding with scooters if you’re texting
    C) turning right ten minutes up the road


    You are doing 100 km/h on the highway. You may be overtaken -
    A) on the left
    B) on the right
    C) on the left and right simultaneously


    A 2 metre pole beside the road has a flashing orange light. This is to -
    A) entertain morons
    B) suggest slowing down and increasing vigilance
    C) distract you from the serious business of tailgating


    The 50 km/h school zone limit should be observed -
    A) if there’s a chance you might get a glimpse of that hot teacher you fancy
    B) if you have kids at that school
    C) if there’s a cop bike behind you and you’re a falang


    Helmets should be worn on scooters if -
    A) you don’t have a spare 100 baht
    B) you’re doing more than the speed of light
    C) it’s night and the scooter’s lights don’t work


    It’s night and your scooter’s lights don’t work. You should -
    A) go as fast as you can possibly can
    B) get them fixed next year
    C) ignore it - everyone else does


    A pickup’s load limit is -
    A) a tonne
    B) whatever you can put on it
    C) there’s a load limit ?


    A vehicle doing 100 km/h needs how many metres to stop in an emergency ?
    A) 10 metres
    B) 12 metres
    C) I’m too cool for emergencies


    Doing 60 km/h on the highway is -
    A) a way to save fuel
    B) a way to calm traffic
    C) an example for others to follow


    The coloured lights on each corner of the vehicle can be used -
    A) to indicate what has just happened
    B) if they work
    C) but they’ll wear out so never use them and avoid depreciation


    Headlights should be used at night if -
    A) the vehicle is doing more than a two hour drive
    B) the sun went down with a green flash on the horizon
    C) you wish to indicate a submissive personality


    Always leave a safe distance between you and the vehicle ahead. This distance is -
    A) a centimetre for each 10 km/h
    B) the same if it’s raining
    C) an indication of a lack of manliness


    Phones may be used while driving if -
    A) it’s a domestic crisis situation
    B) it’s for business
    C) you like having a chat


    The traffic light has turned green. You should -
    A) think about the implications for a while
    B) accelerate slowly to 30 km/h
    C) finish that farcebook update soon unless mummy said something really awful about you in which case consider your words carefully


    That person sitting on the verge staring into space is -
    A) mentally proving the Unified Theory
    B) waiting for a meteorite of solid platinum to land
    C) in no way any concern of yours if you win the court case


    If a crash involves a falang it is -
    A) always the falang’s fault
    B) a source of great happiness for lawyers
    C) both A) and B)


    Vehicles should be licensed -
    A) to carry explosives
    B) if you are in the mood
    C) in someone else’s name


    The safest colour for a vehicle is -
    A) grey, so that it matches the road
    B) charcoal, so it matches the road at night or in shadow
    C) a trick question because all colours are equally safe


    Seat belts are -
    A) annoying
    B) unnecessary most of the time
    C) difficult to adjust so avoid using them


    Pulling out in front of other vehicles is -
    A) to show that you don’t take crap from anyone
    B) often the best choice
    C) harmless fun


    What happens on the road is -
    A) the result of karma
    B) up to others so there’s no need for you to get involved
    C) best ignored


  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by docmartin View Post
    After a couple of days motoring about the fair province of Isaan I think Iíve worked out what the local driving theory test must be.
    Feel free to add corrections or additions.

    Situational awareness is -
    A) useful on Mars
    B) a foreign concept
    C) for pansies who think too much


    Overtaking over double lines is -
    A) okay if youíre in a hurry
    B) okay if no one gets seriously hurt
    C) okay


    Overtaking over single lines is -
    A) usually okay
    B) recommended at night
    C) not an issue


    Overtaking over broken lines is-
    A) a letdown
    B) displaying lack of initiative
    C) for weaklings


    Overtaking on blind corners is -
    A) normal
    B) thrilling
    C) corners can be blinded ?


    Overtaking before a crest is -
    A) an option
    B) the sensible choice
    C) an expression of confidence


    A dual carriageway is -
    A) room enough for three scooters, a pickup and a truck all side by side
    B) an opportunity to increase speed to Warp Factor 7
    C) always under repair


    The right lane of a dual carriageway is for -
    A) you and only you
    B) reducing the risk of colliding with scooters if youíre texting
    C) turning right ten minutes up the road


    You are doing 100 km/h on the highway. You may be overtaken -
    A) on the left
    B) on the right
    C) on the left and right simultaneously


    A 2 metre pole beside the road has a flashing orange light. This is to -
    A) entertain morons
    B) suggest slowing down and increasing vigilance
    C) distract you from the serious business of tailgating


    The 50 km/h school zone limit should be observed -
    A) if thereís a chance you might get a glimpse of that hot teacher you fancy
    B) if you have kids at that school
    C) if thereís a cop bike behind you and youíre a falang


    Helmets should be worn on scooters if -
    A) you donít have a spare 100 baht
    B) youíre doing more than the speed of light
    C) itís night and the scooterís lights donít work


    Itís night and your scooterís lights donít work. You should -
    A) go as fast as you can possibly can
    B) get them fixed next year
    C) ignore it - everyone else does


    A pickupís load limit is -
    A) a tonne
    B) whatever you can put on it
    C) thereís a load limit ?


    A vehicle doing 100 km/h needs how many metres to stop in an emergency ?
    A) 10 metres
    B) 12 metres
    C) Iím too cool for emergencies


    Doing 60 km/h on the highway is -
    A) a way to save fuel
    B) a way to calm traffic
    C) an example for others to follow


    The coloured lights on each corner of the vehicle can be used -
    A) to indicate what has just happened
    B) if they work
    C) but theyíll wear out so never use them and avoid depreciation


    Headlights should be used at night if -
    A) the vehicle is doing more than a two hour drive
    B) the sun went down with a green flash on the horizon
    C) you wish to indicate a submissive personality


    Always leave a safe distance between you and the vehicle ahead. This distance is -
    A) a centimetre for each 10 km/h
    B) the same if itís raining
    C) an indication of a lack of manliness


    Phones may be used while driving if -
    A) itís a domestic crisis situation
    B) itís for business
    C) you like having a chat


    The traffic light has turned green. You should -
    A) think about the implications for a while
    B) accelerate slowly to 30 km/h
    C) finish that farcebook update soon unless mummy said something really awful about you in which case consider your words carefully


    That person sitting on the verge staring into space is -
    A) mentally proving the Unified Theory
    B) waiting for a meteorite of solid platinum to land
    C) in no way any concern of yours if you win the court case


    If a crash involves a falang it is -
    A) always the falangís fault
    B) a source of great happiness for lawyers
    C) both A) and B)


    Vehicles should be licensed -
    A) to carry explosives
    B) if you are in the mood
    C) in someone elseís name


    The safest colour for a vehicle is -
    A) grey, so that it matches the road
    B) charcoal, so it matches the road at night or in shadow
    C) a trick question because all colours are equally safe


    Seat belts are -
    A) annoying
    B) unnecessary most of the time
    C) difficult to adjust so avoid using them


    Pulling out in front of other vehicles is -
    A) to show that you donít take crap from anyone
    B) often the best choice
    C) harmless fun


    What happens on the road is -
    A) the result of karma
    B) up to others so thereís no need for you to get involved
    C) best ignored

    You think too mutt, it will get you killed.

  3. #3
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    Buckaroo Banzai's Avatar
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    Lost interest after reading half of it.
    IMO it would had been easier if the Op thesis simply said, let's talk about all the reasons why we are better drivers than Thais.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by docmartin View Post
    Feel free to add corrections or additions.
    Just the one correction ...

    Quote Originally Posted by docmartin View Post
    After a couple of days motoring about the fair province of Isaan
    Isaan is not a province, it's a region. The Isaan region contains 20 provinces.

  5. #5
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    Well whaddya got Bucko ?

  6. #6
    I'm not in jail
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    Always found the Thais pretty good drivers, especially the bus drivers.

  7. #7
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    !000 baht saved me all that malarky, 12 years afgo, fuck sakes money is the language that speaks volumes. TD

  8. #8
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    Jack I'd have to agree with you,never seen any problems are Thai roads with Thai driving.

    Perhaps, Snub The Forum adviser on anything Thai(Asian) could give an opinion.

  9. #9
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    Most of the driving I’ve seen these last three years has been okay but as everywhere the muppetry can be spectacular.
    Driving here is kinda like driving in the North Queensland of the seventies (except that was less intense and there were far fewer people) where people drove to the conditions and generally disregarded the rules.

  10. #10
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    C) ...

  11. #11
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    Jack meoff's Avatar
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    ^Struggling for words.

  12. #12
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    And Baldrick wins a lovely turnip for aceing the test.

    I’d like to insert a turnip into the numbnut on the scooter I nearly T-boned today.
    The fool entered an intersection at least five seconds after the red and had a helmetless little boy on the back.

  13. #13
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    Airportwo's Avatar
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    I have the pleasure of driving in Isaan daily, you forgot one important rule, truck drivers always have the right of way and are allowed to drive as they feel road conditions dictate, more so if they have lots of decibels! even more so if they have lots of rear view mirrors and a Michelin man on-board with them!

  14. #14
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    The truckers with Kris Kristoffen pics on the mud guards are best avoided.

  15. #15
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    ^Yosemite Sam mudflaps are a double bogey. Serpico drivers though are considerate and kind.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Airportwo View Post
    I have the pleasure of driving in Isaan daily, you forgot one important rule, truck drivers always have the right of way and are allowed to drive as they feel road conditions dictate, more so if they have lots of decibels! even more so if they have lots of rear view mirrors and a Michelin man on-board with them!
    And 10" diameter exhausts

  17. #17
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    Soon the OP will learn the ways of driving in Isan and correct his mistakes when driving there...

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack meoff View Post
    Always found the Thais pretty good drivers, especially the bus drivers.
    True gentlemen of the road - go out of their way to stop you speeding by staying in the right lane and holding traffic back!

  19. #19
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    Exactly
    I blame the Farang border visa runners with all the village in the back of the pickups on a shopping trip,
    whilst listening to family babble at 150 decibels for the poor driving on the roads these days.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by NamPikToot View Post
    And 10" diameter exhausts
    That’s so last year. Yesterday I saw triple 5” exhausts on both sides, nicely bent into intriguing curves.
    My inner 18 y.o. admired them greatly.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Troy View Post
    Soon the OP will learn the ways of driving in Isan and correct his mistakes when driving there...
    Well I hope it happens soon
    But I doubt it. I drive most days in Western Australia whose drivers are locked in a fierce struggle with South Australia’s license holders for the title of ‘ Australia’s most incompetent motorists’.
    Nice enough people but often hopeless on the road.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack meoff View Post
    The truckers with Kris Kristoffen pics on the mud guards are best avoided.
    I like the guys with Johny depp flaps , cool dudes ! always give em a thumbs up as i pass .

  23. #23
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    Thai road rules are simple.
    You are responsible for everything in front of you and nothing behind you. It is your responsibility not to run in to the bike/car/ truck that has suddenly decided to cut you off without warning.
    If you see something of interest, stop where it is most convenient for you. It's the responsibility of the traffic behind you to stop/go around/ avoid you as they can see you.
    Do not under any circumstances worry whats behind you and drive as if there is no one there, in fact its probably best to remove all rear view mirrors, as you are in front of them and therefore their responsibility.
    If you are turning left disregard any traffic on your left as it is again, their responsibility to avoid an accident, besides you couldn't possibly see them without actually turning your head, something no Thai would ever attempt.
    If you need to change lanes proceed into the lane required as it is again the person behind you who must avoid any collision. If you are on a divided road on a motorcycle and you need to go in the direction opposite to the traffic flow, drive on the wrong side of the road or on the footpath. If you need to stop on a clearway during peak hour just stop where you find it convenient and put on your hazard lights before going shopping.
    Oh dont forget to dip your head when cutting off other road users. Sabai Sabai.

  24. #24
    Thailand Expat David48atTD's Avatar
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    I'm OK with driving in Thailand ... the OP was a bit of a larf'

    Driving in different countries teaches you heaps.

    Try driving on a Californian multi lane highway and German Autobahn ... couldn't be more different.

    Apart from not turning headlights on, the one 'local driving style' that makes me is ... when driving on a
    dual carriageway and the car coming towards you wants to overtake the truck in front of him drives
    on 'your side of the road' (driving towards you) and you are expected to drive on the verge/shoulder.

    ďSomeone is sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time agoĒ

    .

  25. #25
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    ^^ pretty much nailed most of that apart from this...


    Quote Originally Posted by Hugh Cow View Post
    If you are turning left disregard any traffic on your left as it is again, their responsibility to avoid an accident, besides you couldn't possibly see them without actually turning your head, something no Thai would ever attempt
    That should be- if you are turning left disregard any traffic on your RIGHT. They dont have the right of way as they do back in OZ or UK. The left has right of way.

    Somethings they do better than us though -



    The non use of the horn


    Having stop lines further back at T junctions so you can cut the corner.if swinging right into one.

    If you are stopped at a T junction and turning right the Thais will come up your passenger side instead of crossing in front to stop you waiting.

    The green turn left arrow signpost at traffic lights allowing you to turn left on a red light if it is clear to do so.


    The curteous head nod on a bike or flashing lights on a larger vehicle politely informing you they are not stopping

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