Wave Rant Part 2: The Wrath of Honda

[somtamslap]

Once upon a time there was a young man who lived in the mountains of Thailand's Issan region. One of his fondest possessions was a motorcycle which he loved very much, so much infact he even named it. Although now he fucking hates Wilma with a passion and will herein refer to bastard fucking thing as 'it'.
IT was once a proud and firm buttocked vehicle which endured countless long journies over a variety of terrain..it had faired well for its 90,000km's and had done me a just service. But recently the fucking things getting itself a right attitude, like taking the piss and shit, like making me suffer inconviences that I should not need to endure.

One day a puncture, the next the breaks fail, then the chain will start rattling uncontrollably and jamming on the worn down teeth of the cogs which were replaced 5 fucking days ago..OI..don't take the piss.

But nothing, aboslutely nothing could prepare me for the disrepect it gave me a few evensongs back..filthy machine, dirty, rotten, low down cnut of a bike.

Let's set the scene.

There was a respite in the infamous blizzards of Nakhon Ratchasima, so I jumped on IT and took IT to the markIT in order to buy some POE-TAY-TOES to accompany a tender cut of beef which has been grazing on the lettuce in the refridgerator for the past quarter of a decade.
Goods purchased and an evening jaunt into the countryside was decided upon, where a beverage or two would be imbided and a few chapters of a book eagerly quaffed.
On reaching my destination, a shop in the middle of bastard no where; as is my wont, an angry cloud the size of fucking Mongolia reared itself and nestled above the humble dwellings of the beer distribution outlet, letting rip a ridiculously stupid amount of precipitation.

Day was overtaken by night in a matter of seconds as it tends to do in the tropics (about 6.10pm at this time of the year, add half an hour maximum in the summer months) and 1 beer turned into 3 as the continental sized nimbus refused to budge...fuck off there's a good chap..I should very much like to go home you selfish fucking weather bastard.
But alas, the cloud and rain were here for the long haul and I'd have to make my way home negotiating the 10 km's of narrow country lanes in a monsoon..absolutely smashing.
I kick started IT as, quelle surprise, the automatic ignition is on the blink and to my shock was rewarded with a booming, healthy engine..stepped it into first gear and set off on my way, instantly sodden wet as I left the confines of the shop's varander.

Hang on, something's not right..why the fuck can't I see anything??

Ahhhh, but of course, my beloved Wilma (the Wave) had chosen this superlative moment in time to simply not have any working lights..thanks bitch..

Dear reader, I invite you to close your eyes for a second or two..

Black isn't it?

Now try this whilst driving a motorbike in a fucking tropical storm, down country roads thinner than a length of bamboo..not a street light in sight..I'm telling you, it's really funny..

I attempted to appease the situation by bringing IT to a halt and improving my night vision by just staring into the black void that was ahead of me..it was going rather well until some lunatic thrashed his pick up towards me, main beam piercing my eyes and leaving me blind for the next 10 minutes.

I had to go Yoda on this motherfucker and use the force, which I did quite effectively, only planting myself in the bushes (which are incidently full of boogeymen and 50 foot snakes) twice and narrowly avoiding a sheer drop just the once..great fun..

Got home, booted the bike, drank ale, went to sleep, woke up, booted the bike again..and gave it the finger..I dare that mofo to pull any similar stunts..

[Anteak]

New bike time and don't give IT a name (be IT bad or good) until IT deserves it.

[somtamslap]

New bike time

I think you might be right. I may venture into Fino territory and develope a lisp.

[Thungsongsausage]

Somtamslap, you crack me up Please keep your excellent posts coming.

P.S- Green sent.

[somtamslap]

^ Thanks..the Wave, although a complete bastard, is a worthy write every now and then.

[kmart]

New bike time

I think you might be right. I may venture into Fino territory and develope a lisp.

You'll need an androgynous fuck-buddy to ride the wrong way down the road with. (Your feet on each other's footpegs). You'll occasionally need to stop, primp and muss your K-pop hairstyles. Happy mincing.

[somtamslap]

You'll occasionally need to stop, primp and muss your K-pop hairstyles

No need, no neeeeeeed. I'll have the wing mirrors pointed at my head and will be adjusting single strands of hair whilst squeezing the spots on my puss-filled forehead while driving down the wrong side of a dual carriage way during rush hour and basically acting like a ponce.

[koman]

90,000 Kms on a ant sized engine ain't too bad...even the 125cc version.
Personally I don't run a motorbike more than 30K or so. I just hate it when anything mechanical or electrical stats to give me a hard time. Maybe I'm just a spoiled brat...

Good little story though.... I suppose if stuff like this did not happen there would be no stories. Maybe you should keep IT after all... maybe write a book one day.... actually now that I think about IT....sounds a lot like an ex wife of mine....
Now that I think about it...her fucking lights were out as well........

[somtamslap]

her fucking lights were out as well........

It's usually a case of the lights being on but nobody being home with the wenches..