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  1. #1
    Thailand Expat
    David48atTD's Avatar
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    Thailand:- A Rich Thai, a Comfortable Thai, actually anyone, in Thailand has a ...



    A big fucking one of these!


    Mr F:- Honey, Tee Rak ... I've bought a spare pump for the well, just in case this old one dies while I'm away off shore.
    I'll be gone a couple of months this time, double roster ... make sure you take care of everything ... OK?


    Miss T:- Sure, no problem. Lub you Marrk

    Two months later Mr T returns to his love nest ...

    Miss T:- Water no good. Can not flushy flushy. Kei mark mark.

    Mr F:- No problems, I'll fix the well tomorrow.

    Next Day

    Mr F:- Looking, looking in the unlocked storeroom for the spare pump. Few things moved around ... mumbles to himself ... "I'm sure I put it here".

    Mr F:- Honey, any idea where that spare Pump I bought is? I'm sure I put it in the storeroom for an emergency.

    Miss T:- quiet ...

    After a minute of no response.

    Mr F:- Honey, did you hear what I asked you?

    Miss T:- yes

    Mr F:- Soooooooooooooooo?

    Miss T:- So what?

    Mr F:- So, do you know where the pump is that I bought?

    Miss T:- Yes

    Silence ...

    Mr F:- Great ... I've been looking for it, we urgently need to replace ours and I specifically bought it for that reason.
    Honey ... did you move it? where is it now?


    Miss T:- My Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son

    Mr F:- Huh ... I'm asking about my pump ... not really the time to talk about your ... umm ... Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son!
    So, where is the pump?

    Miss T:- Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son

    Starting to get a little flustered now ...

    Mr F:- I don't see the connection .. I'm just looking for my pump ... we need it ... urgently!
    Maybe I didn't explain myself clearly ... so, where is the pump?

    Miss T:- Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son
    Clenching of teeth now ...

    Mr F:- OK, I have no idea why he has it, and I don't care, but can you phone to him and ask him to return it please.
    Damm, I hope he hasn't played with it and removed it from it's packing.


    Miss T:- Difficult to do

    Mr F:- No, it's not, just pick up the phone and call him ... you have his number I presume.

    Miss T:- yes

    maybe a minute passes ...

    Mr T:- soooooo?

    Miss T:- So what?

    Audible clenching of teeth, for the second time
    Mr F:- So, please phone your Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son and ask him to return the said pump ... with the packaging AND the instructions ... God know how difficult it was to find a pump in Thailand with English instructions.

    Miss T:- quiet

    Mr F:- Honey ... did you hear what I asked you to do?

    Miss T:- Yes

    Mr F:- so ... can you phone him please ... I really need to get this pump working again for our Family.

    Miss T:- quiet

    Mr F:- This is getting beyond a joke, pick up the fucking phone, call that dipshit, lazy, good for nothing Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son and demand MY pump back.

    Miss F:- quiet

    Maybe 30 secs later ...

    Miss F:- sorry, can not

    Maybe clearly stunned by that reply ... 30 secs later ...

    Mr F:- OK ... please explain to me why you can't do what I ask?

    Miss T:- I can

    Mr F:- GREAT ... please phone NOW ... I should be able to get the water on by sundown. Flush the toilet and you can wash that pile of clothes in the morning.

    Miss T:- I can not

    Mr F:- You can phone him but cannot phone him? Have I got that correct?

    Miss T:- Yes, correct

    Mr F:- a few expletives muttered under breath.

    Mr F ... draws a long breath and asks ... Honey ... why not?

    Miss T:- Instantly relies ... why not what?

    Mr F:- now on the tipping point, punches the nearest inanimate (and inexpensive) object he can find and draws, maybe the longest breath in his entire life, struggling to maintain composure and, in maybe an octave higher then his usually composed self asks ... Honey, Tee Rak, love of my life ... why can't you phone your Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son and politely ask him to return my pump?

    MissT:- because he use it now

    Mr F:- What you mean he use it now? (notice how your grammar declines when arguing with a Thai and the argument is heated ... lowest common denominator and all that)

    Miss T:- he use it now ... he no problem now. before he hab problem, but he no hab problem now. fixed now ... she comfortably

    Mr F:- OK ... another breath, but shorter then before. Let me see if I have this correct (his grammar has returned) ... MY pump, which I bought for OUR family you have lent ... NO, given to your Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son ... correctamundo ? ... she understands this term ... not learnt in a School English Class.

    Miss T:- quite proudly says an affirmative YES ... I give him ... he need it. We have spare one, you not use. why you need two? he broken, he need ... he no need now. what you problem?

    Mr F:- My problem is that we have a shitter that is filled to the brim, a mountain of unwashed clothes soon to eclipse the Matterhorn, no fucking water whatsoever and you ask me what the fucking problem is ... sheeeeesh!

    Miss T:- what sheeeeeeesh mean ... you had new girl? she hab good water? can wash clothes her house?

    Mr F:- You lot ... fucking _ are _ unbelievable

    Miss F:- you no believe me ... I give pump to Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son ... sure and he very happy. says he should buy Faland new one.

    Mr F:- so, please let me hang of this minuscule glimmer of hope, (he's thinking, but not game to say ... there is a God, we are not forsaken) ... you mean he buy same pump and it waiting his place to give back to us? (Grammar gone to the dogs ... again)

    Miss F:- No ... why you ask? he no buy anything. why he need to buy? ... his pump good, made Germany. he said difficult to buy here, expensive mark maarrk
    oh, he say thank the falang, he buy quality pump


    Mr F:- His Pump! His Pump! It's my fucking pump and you gave it to some somechai you hardly know.

    Miss F:- he no sumchai, he Family. you no love me, no love family?

    Mr F:- huh ... he's your Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son

    Miss F:- yes, you are smart man now, he family

    Mr F:- ...



    Later Mr T awakes , heads a bit sore from hitting the floor. Sits up, rubs the back of his head ... no blood, so a mild concussion at best.

    He thinks, fuck this ... I'm going to the Pub. It's not far away. Easy enough to walk there, but bit of a stumble home. It's a fine clear night, no hint of rain ... thinks, I'll ride the bike down ... the fresh air might clear my head.

    So, Mr F starts to walk out, goes to grab the Hondas Wave's keys on the way and they are not there.

    Mr F:- Honey ... where are the keys to the Honda?

    Miss T:- Not there?

    Mr F:- Yes, they're not there ... where they usually are. Actually, I didn't see the bike parked in it's usual spot. I hope the bike wasn't dropped while I was away.

    Miss F:- Sure, not dropped

    Mr F:- GREAT ... BTW, where is the bike?

    Miss T:- Khun Win has it

    Mr F:- Khun Win? Khun Win? ... thinks about it for a moment ... Win ... isn't he that guy down the road, the motorcycle courier/taxi?

    Miss T:- Yes, that him

    Mr F:- OK, pray tell, why does he have our bike?

    Miss T:- He bike, tyre, no air, problem for him.

    Mr F:- So you lent him our bike?

    Miss T:- no

    Mr F:- No?

    Miss T:- Yes, no ... said with confidence, her English feels good now

    Mr F:- what you mean yes/no

    Miss T:- oh, he no borrow, he rent ... give me 100 baht/day
    I good business woman, no?

    Mr F:- About now, I don't care, I'm close to giving up.

    Miss T:- why give ... better to rent him

    Mr F:- ...
    Perspective is everything ... it's the difference between going through an ordeal or going through an adventure..

  2. #2
    R.I.P.
    DrB0b's Avatar
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    Why does she talk like some 1950s cheechee caricature? Is this ridiculous piece of racist crap meant to be funny?

  3. #3
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by DrB0b
    Why does she talk like some 1950s cheechee caricature?
    I must admit to having had conversations that, when folk were on the defensive, that sort of went that way.

    "NB Defensive."

  5. #5
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Simply buy yourself another pump and learn from your mistakes.

  6. #6
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    Why does she talk like some 1950s cheechee caricature? Is this ridiculous piece of racist crap meant to be funny?
    why do you consider it racist to accurately portray the speech patterns of many thais when speaking english.

    racist is singling out, discriminating or beating someone up for no other reason than he or she is a jew or muslim or xtian or black or yellow or irish or french etc.

    a year in the uk and you seem to have joined the rest of the permanently offended snowflakes that believe almost anybody and everybody is now a victim of this-ism or that-ism.

    i see the silly vegans are up in arms today over the fact that the beef fiver is not be abolished.

  7. #7
    Sauerkraut stroller's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile
    racist is singling out, discriminating or beating someone up for no other reason than he or she is a jew or muslim or xtian or black or yellow or irish or french etc.
    It's been pointed out before, that you're willfully ignorant of what the term "racist" entails, most likely to escape the label.

    Sooo my advice is: stop digging.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile View Post
    Why does she talk like some 1950s cheechee caricature? Is this ridiculous piece of racist crap meant to be funny?
    why do you consider it racist to accurately portray the speech patterns of many thais when speaking english.

    .
    I don't and he wasn't.

    "flushy-flushy"! Who the hell has EVER said that? For fucks sake, is she 6 years old? Of course I could be misreading the whole thing and it's really a rib-tickling satire of monolingual short-tempered geriatric fuckwits way out of their depth a long, long way from home. In which case, good one!
    Last edited by DrB0b; 17-02-2017 at 08:21 PM.
    don't you know there ain't no devil, there's just god when he's drunk

  9. #9
    Thailand Expat
    taxexile's Avatar
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    its all clear now. thank you so much.

  10. #10
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by stroller View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile
    racist is singling out, discriminating or beating someone up for no other reason than he or she is a jew or muslim or xtian or black or yellow or irish or french etc.
    It's been pointed out before, that you're willfully ignorant of what the term "racist" entails, most likely to escape the label.

    Sooo my advice is: stop digging.
    i neither want nor need your advice thanks.

  11. #11
    Thailand Expat
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    "flushy-flushy"
    the doubling up of verbs and adjectives is a common feature of colloquial thai and therefore it is no surprise that it finds its way into thinglish-speak.

    is she 6 years old?
    probably not but it can often seem like it.

  12. #12
    Thailand Expat Luigi's Avatar
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    I'm not reading all that.

    Can you act it out with some sock puppets and upload it on youtube?

  13. #13
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luigi View Post
    I'm not reading all that.
    The bogs blocked.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luigi View Post
    I'm not reading all that.

    Can you act it out with some sock puppets
    Isn't that what we do on every thread?

  15. #15
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    Thank you David, enjoyed reading your experience.

  16. #16
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    It's 95% likely this is more or less what Miss T and Mr F look like when out for a stroll. If wise, he does not repeat the pump conversation, and he accepts his lot in life. He needs to move to having a proper perspective.

  17. #17
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by David48atTD View Post


    A big fucking one of these!
    I don't bother locking up most things any more. There are exceptions, of course, main bedroom, my tools and the pick-up is covered and on jacks.

    I guess I am lucky in that the Thais think I am even more stupid than them...(it helps that I resemble Mr Bean in appearance and facial expressions). Many years ago, the youngest niece pointed out to the family that even the mynah bird speaks Laos and Thai so I must be stupid....

    ...Wife, nieces and grand nieces all speak passable English nowadays to compensate for my stupidity...hell, even the MIL has joined in with a few choice words and she can't speak Thai or Laos...

    The trick I found, after many years of hopeless returns on a par with the OP was to fix 'faults' with any spares you bought and leave the old 'crappy' stuff in the shed to fix on your return.

    I found it was better to look stupid on returning to find broken parts worked perfectly okay when reinstalled.

    I quite like being known as Mr Bean...

  18. #18
    Thailand Expat
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    ^ Yes Troy, I agree with a lot of what you wrote.

    ---

    I have an oldish Toyota and the senior Thai Male Adult drives it here when I'm not around. He has his own car, but occasionally uses mine as he has a old 2 door pick-up and mine is one of those 4 door pick-ups with an enclosed rear tray. His is good for hauling Farm Gear and mine good for hauling people.

    Of course there is no Mr F nor Miss T.

    I could have just wrote ... damm, I'm tired of returning to Thailand and find that someone has helped themselves to some of my gear and not replaced it or has broken it.

    This time I've bought a large storage box and a lock ... but that would be a bit drab.

    ---

    Do conversations similar to the OP happen in Thailand ... sure.

    The general themes of the conversation in the OP are ...

    'Who' is considered as Family is much different then we have in the West.

    'Social Ownership' of personal items.

    General avoidance of questions, silence, if the respondent doesn't want to answer or, if the answer is embarrassing.

    General speech patterns when a Thai has a very limited vocabulary and is mentally speaking Thai in their head and then converting those Thai Words to English and trying to clumsily rearrange them into a coherent sentence.

    Would 'Flushy Flushy' ever be used ... probably not ... but I used the term to exaggerate my point.

    The extent to which we, as Westerners plan for the future, for contingencies is generally at a much higher level then what the Thais do.


    One example ...

    We live on the Farm where we are in Thailand. It's not my Farm. Currently there are 6 Thai Adults, myself, a couple of Thai teenagers, a Thai pubescent girl who, at the age of 10 still sometimes wears nappies to bed and, when she forgets, occasionally soils the bedding and her clothes and my two 3 yo.
    From that lot, quite a bit of washing is generated.

    At the Farm the water supply is a trickle. No mains pressure water here. Water is collected and stored in Jars, tubs and barrels to be used at a later date.

    The twin tub washing machine is filled either by hand buckets from the urn/barrel or by waiting anywhere between 15 mins and an hour depending on the water pressure delivery. Hours may pass where there is no water.

    I do the clothes washing ... yes, snicker snicker. Don't cook, clean or wash-up bla bla ... but I wash our clothes.

    Often that storage tub is near to empty because no-one was bothered to refill it ... why should they ... they got their washing done, not their problem now. It becomes the problem of the next person. Thainess ...

    So I bought a second plastic tub to store the water in so that there would sufficient to do a complete wash and separate rinse cycle.

    When I finish the washing I refill both containers AND put water in the Washing Machine for the next person.

    On Friday, my University educated Thai Partner had a moment of Thainess and questioned my practice of preparing the washing machine for the next user and was genuinely concerned that I might damage the washing machine by storing some water in it.

    I shrugged my shoulders, turned the washing machine knob to 'Drain', mumbled a few choice words under my breath, grabbed a couple of beers, retired to the bedroom and had a bit of a 'larf' and typed the story in the OP.

    Sure, this post could have been the OP ... but that would have been a bit boring ... heh


    EDIT:-

    As a side note, more then 1/2 the posts have been removed. In one of those posts, might still be here, don't know, it was inferred that I'm racist.
    Well, that's a strong NOPE from me.
    Is the OP derogatory to Thais?
    Yes, No, Maybe ... depends on your perspective.

    A freshly minted Ex-Pat, full of PC might read the conversation and call to hang me high for my cultural insensitivity ... the Thais he's met aren't like that.

    Someone who has lived in the country with a Thai Partner in a Thai Village, not in an insular MooBahn, might raise a rye smile.

    A Thai reading it, should it have been typed in Thai might say .. yes, and your point is?

    Perspectives change from person to person.


    I see most of living in the Thai Lane where I am. The stealing, the Drugs, the Drug Sellers, thankfully not the Gambling, the Mia Nois (2 in fact), the Thais with multiple partners ... one has both a Thai bf AND a western bf.
    The Thai one knows about the Western one, but the Western one is fairly clueless. I talk to them both. After 9 months of being in the West with the western bf, she returned to Thailand and her Thai bf collected her at the Airport ... not a problem.

    The boy here, who turned 13 and was given a motorbike by his parent and grandmother. I protested ... and ignored.

    The Dees and the Toms.

    How those Mia Nois mentioned above have affected the social structure of the Thai Family I live with.
    For those curious, the first Mia Noi was accepted, his wife and the Mia Noi actually talk to each other if they cross each others path, but the second Mia Noi who I've actually met is a step to far.

    The Thai parents who have abandoned their kids and the child upbringing falls to who ever is around at the time.

    I cope by trying to understand Thainess, accept what I can, influence where and what I can, having the smarts to to let the rest just simply wash over me.

    BTW ... Farm life is great. the extended Family, while annoying at times is also very supportive of my kids and, to lesser extend, me.

    It's certainly educational to live up front and personal in a large Thai Family. It makes you appreciate more the lessons learnt and values upheld from living in the West, and, at the same time, value the freedom that you get in Thailand ... really the best of both worlds.

    I could recant more, maybe another time ...

    So ... if you read some of my posts and think I'm raciest, I'm not ... usually I'm just relaying my experiences and telling it like it happened ... without the sugar coating.
    Last edited by David48atTD; 18-02-2017 at 08:34 AM.

  19. #19
    Thailand Expat cyrille's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by David48atTD View Post
    a Thai pubescent girl who, at the age of 10 still sometimes wears nappies to bed and, when she forgets, occasionally soils the bedding and her clothes and my two 3 yo.
    Now this is where I would draw the line.

  20. #20
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    “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”

    ― Charles Bukowski

    Cheers, David...

  21. #21
    Sauerkraut stroller's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by David48atTD
    damm, I'm tired of returning to Thailand and find that someone has helped themselves to some of my gear and not replaced it or has broken it.
    That seems to be a common experience.
    Similar to Troy, I have developed the strategy of declaring stuff I don't want anyone to borrow,as broken - until I manage to 'repair' them when I use them.
    Doesn't work for stuff like kitchen knives etc., which magically find their way to other houses while I am away.

  22. #22
    Thailand Expat
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    which magically find their way to other houses while I am away.
    thats because you are a falang, and to the lower order chickenhead that means you are no more a ready source of amusement, a lottery win to fund their senseless profligacy, and that your possessions are there for the taking, to be picked over and appropriated as they see fit, for they know the falang will rarely complain to heavily and will readily believe the lies and excuses put forward to exonerate the thievery by the manipulating and controlling, but achingly pretty women they have blindly taken up with with little regard for the future.

    the soft bellied falang joe is no more than a free lunch to survival savvy chickenheads and their extended families.

  23. #23
    Valve Master Latindancer's Avatar
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    ^ Cynical, but well-described

  24. #24
    Sauerkraut stroller's Avatar
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    Just the usual tax negativity.

  25. #25
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    When you go back to work for a couple of months make sure you pack the TV remote and something else she uses every other day. Might help send the message.

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