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Living In Thailand Forum How much rent should I pay? Should I buy a car or bike? Does Tesco sell the cheapest toasters? Will Soi food poison me? Are insects delicious? Where can I learn to use a Thai Toilet? Should I marry a bar girl?


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Old 01-01-2014, 11:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Concerning lau khao, literature, and the clinically insane

Yesterday was New Year's Eve. Today is New Year's Day.

December 31st. And January 1st.

Just another 24 hours in the cycle of unrelenting tedium which comprises my existence.

I must confess, however, to liking tedium. I revel in tedium. One can seek solace in tedium. In tedium one is generally safe. With tedium, coming to in a ditch with one's underpants around the ankles doesn't tend to transpire - which is almost always a good thing.

So when I journeyed to my local shop last night and stumbled into a snap-shot of seasonal savagery, I was most perturbed to note that I was dangerously close to operating outside the realms ennui.

The place looked like a fucking abattoir: decomposing peasants brandishing blood-thirsty snarls danced with flaying limbs, taunting me with the occasional pelvic thrust.

The natives were indeed restless.

I opined that relocating to purer pastures would be somewhat more conducive to spending a peaceful hour with my book - the hysteria in this war-torn settlement was esculating by the second.

Before I could act, I was rudely accosted by an unskilled farmhand who queried by way of a deafening bellow where would I be going for 'countdown'.

Dear sir, while you and your ilk are in the midst of a drunken '3...2...1 Sawadee Bpee Mai' I shall be in a blissful state of slumber, and if the cheese works its magic, entertaining a harem of sparsely clad sluts, each armed with a Tesco Lotus carry bag full of obscenely formed root vegetables.

He cackled inanely, long and hard. A response I couldn't really blame him for.

After imbibing such gargantuan slurps of undiluted death, it's surely the only viable retort:



It was after this discussion that the real idiocy began.

Deciding to humour some of regulars by joining them in a glass of beer, I couldn't help but notice a young man standing on the road in front of the shop lighting a cheap rocket, and yes, aiming it in the direction of one of my fellow patrons.

*Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

*BANG*

And there began The Great Firework War of Isaan

Amid the crossfire I opened my book and dispatched a chapter.

Tedious fuckers.
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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And this harem of sparsely clad sluts with root vegetables...... ??
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
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And this harem of sparsely clad sluts with root vegetables...... ??
Twats didn't materialise. I'll go for the extra mature cheddar next time I'm in Tesco, that might help me get a bit of rem action.

I won't be buying any Breezers though. I might wake up with a vagina where my knob used to be.
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I fucking love cheese dreams!
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Old 01-01-2014, 12:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Those 2 breezers were meant for the Missus to sweeten her up,honest. When I came out of the toilet the shopkeeper had opened them both. That stoke guy didnt call me a dirty raving bender until he'd virtually finished the pina colada one
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Old 01-01-2014, 12:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I fucking love cheese dreams!
I had one the other day where I was counting out individual pieces of monster munch into a cardboard box in my old bedroom.

Bizarre.




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Those 2 breezers
...will haunt you for the rest of your stay on teakdoor.


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he'd virtually finished the pina colada one
I don't doubt it. Withnall's withered into a proper poof of late.
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Old 01-01-2014, 01:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I fucking love cheese dreams!
Tell me about it.

Last week after consuming a few beautiful cheeses, I had a dream that one of my customers gave me a bottle of Vintage Cristal Champagne

I awoke looking around my room for the champers..

What a fucking idiot!
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Old 01-01-2014, 01:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I often make an effort to have cheese on toast just before bed time. I've woken up drunk a few times after drinking too much in my dreams which normally wears off after a few seconds.

But the other day I woke up high as shit from smoking too much in my dreams and it lasted a good 2 hours after I woke up. I didn't even think that was possible.
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Old 01-01-2014, 01:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Dillinger
2 breezers
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dillinger
When I came out
Indeed.

You lot need cheese to have fuk'd up dreams???
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Old 01-01-2014, 01:58 PM   #10 (permalink)
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But the other day I woke up high as shit from smoking too much in my dreams and it lasted a good 2 hours after I woke up. I didn't even think that was possible.
You had a flashback,consider yourself lucky!
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Old 01-01-2014, 02:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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You had a flashback,consider yourself lucky!
How do I get more of these?
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:51 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Sensational, root a goat as much as you want and they'll say nothing but drink just one barcardi breezer qnd you'll be known as a poof the rest of your life.
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Old 02-01-2014, 12:43 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Come on Willy mate, itll all be forgot about next week, wont it ?
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Old 02-01-2014, 04:46 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Helleva photographer, ya are!
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Old 02-01-2014, 07:54 AM   #15 (permalink)
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itll all be forgot about next week, wont it ?
Of course it will, Bollinger.


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Helleva photographer, ya are!
It's got that sort of 'I'm fucked out of my face and can barely walk let alone take a picture' vibe.

Perhaps redemption can be sort here.

The day after...

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Old 02-01-2014, 07:56 AM   #16 (permalink)
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^ Nope - even worse.

I take all my photos on an HTC smartfone with android. is it good? I mean, does it have the potential to be good?
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Old 02-01-2014, 08:00 AM   #17 (permalink)
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^ Nope - even worse.
Not a good start to the year mate...............or maybe a perfect start.

Anyway have a great 2014 Slaps.
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Old 02-01-2014, 08:04 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Anyway have a great 2014 Slaps.
And you LT. Much obliged, squire.
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