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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    A Northeastern Nativity Play

    Sombat slumped forlorn into his seat.

    Days, months, years of toil, tilling the scorched earth of Thailand's northeast, continued to provide scant remittance, and with Christmas approaching he was once again resigned to endure the sanguine expressions on his children's faces diminish into raw disappointment.

    He took a consolatory slurp of Lau Khao, and pondered the options.

    His offspring, Sagsnatch and Manchester United, had been making hopeful noises regarding this year's gifts; a karaoke set and a high-powered air rifle respectively.

    Sagsnatch was now in her first year at primary school and fancied herself as the next Da Endorphin, while her older brother Manchester United, or Man U, had a penchant for stalking rodents and reptiles through thickets and dining on them. After having been savaged by a squirrel who removed the entirety of his left nostril, Man U thought it pragmatic to request a more efficient means of executing his lunch - the slingshot no longer cut the mustard.

    But for now, the possibility of receiving these presents seemed decidedly touch and go.

    "Think man, think!"

    It was lunchtime on Christmas Eve and Sombat had achieved nothing save for ending the existence of a large bottle of liquid Semtex, which isn't very conducive to thinking at all. Indeed the next shot would see him enter the realms of irredeemable spastication. Time was indeed of the essence.

    A grin, a calculating, shrewd grin, slowly etched its way onto his sun-baked features. Sombat, evidently, had a plan...

    "That fat fucker. That fat, white fucker. The one who lives on brow of yonder hill. He's got money. I'll rob him. I'll get him drunk, then I'll rob the kunt."

    On the brow of yonder hill, a portly, fair gentleman nonchalantly strolled the boundaries of his property, occasionally kicking cats in the face. Oh, how he hated cats. He hated them more than he hated snakes, and he despised snakes, although probably not as much as wandering vagrant drunkards.

    Wandering...vagrant...drunkards...

    "Good lord!

    I say, you! Yes, you! The one that looks like he's been dead for five years. Remove yourself from my land this instant or shall be forced to assault you with this." The portly gent then brandished a chainsaw which he revved in the peasant's face.

    "But sir, I've merely come to offer you a festive aperitif" Sombat slurred apologetically.

    "It looks and smell like death," said the portly squire, "what on Earth is it?"

    "Ya-dong sir, the best quality ya-dong in the eastern hemisphere."

    I suppose humouring this repulsive individual won't hurt, mused the westerner

    "Very well, you may pour me a glass."

    Three days later he came to naked. His skin was liberally swabbed with piss, puke, semen and shit. He felt awful.

    In the distance he heard the crooning of a karaoke party in full flow, punctuated by the snaps of an air rifle.

  2. #2
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Forgot the moral.

    Don't drink ya-dong, ever.

  3. #3
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    charleyboy's Avatar
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    ^ So, some fooker robbed ya?

    I liked this bit as well...
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    years of toil, tilling
    I thought you were on about Nige's tiler for a mo!

  4. #4
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy
    ^ So, some fooker robbed ya?
    Some fucker poisoned me with faux alcohol.

  5. #5
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    I've still got a bottle here for you, Dillinger was eyeing it up this morning!

  6. #6
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy
    I've still got a bottle here for you, Dillinger was eyeing it up this morning!
    Dillinger prefers strawberry Breezer.

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy
    Dillinger was eyeing it up this morning
    Fingers Pill can have it. I no longer partake.

    It gives people five day hangovers for fucks sake.

  8. #8
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    Very excellent portly squire

  9. #9
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker
    portly squire
    Your euphemistic expression is much appreciated.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Forgot the moral.

    Don't drink ya-dong, ever.
    You're just learning about this?

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker
    Very excellent portly squire
    I offered Dillinger a fine Tawny Port. The lightweight, declined.

    " Have you got any Satrawberry Breezer's?" He enquired.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Indeed the next shot would see him enter the realms of irredeemable spastication.
    Pure Shakespeare

  13. #13
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    4 day hangover subsiding. My homosexual status has been upgraded to that of /mega poof 1000/

  14. #14
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    My homosexual status has been upgraded to
    ......fat fucking faggot farmer.

    Portly! My arse.

  15. #15
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Portly! My arse.
    Rotund?

  16. #16
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Dillinger prefers strawberry Breezer
    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy
    " Have you got any Satrawberry Breezer's?" He enquired.
    it's a man's drink, ask my mate Akshat


  17. #17
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    ya dong

    ppfffffffff


  18. #18
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    The destructive effects of ya-dong - in pics:

    1. Eat the innards of a random domesticated animal. A mere token gesture of sustenance consumption.



    2. Drink a vat of undiluted death. Then scare young children with your feral snarls and bodily fluid leakages.



    3. Puke.



    4. Pass out.



    5. Consider yourself a simply splendid fellow.

    p.s - Breezers are for undiluted poofters.

  19. #19
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    patsycat's Avatar
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    Did you actually pull his trousers down to take that pic? Hope you washed your hands afterwards.

  20. #20
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    tis where Slap attained his taste for a mans underpants. A bit like the Russians who filter alcohol through bread

  21. #21
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    A bit like the Russians who filter alcohol through bread
    as opposed to Siberians who filter hallucinogenic mushrooms through their bladder

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    a portly, fair gentleman
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    occasionally kicking cats in the face
    First Rainfall, now Scribe Slaps...




    On a more serious note, sorry to hear about that, Slaps; gotta take care with these sneaky fukers, many are extra sneaky opportunistic fukers. Hope you find him and...

  23. #23
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    ^ That looks like one I booted off a balcony last week

  24. #24
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    1 ginger and white cat , Chumphon area.

    Missing since last week.

  25. #25
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Here he is, on my balcony at the Lakeview ?? hotel, cheers Chassamui

    Only kiddin, if you leant over the balcony to the right you could see the lake through the alleyway



    The cat's in that alleyway, Withnall, probably still screeching

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