Driving home on a Friday night - Isaan Style

[somtamslap]

The incident occurred at approximately 7'o clock in the evening, meaning the sun had already ducked, as it does in the tropics, below the horizon as if dodging a bullet. I was maneuvering my rasping motorcycle a long a particularly ill-lit stretch of asphalt, the only light coming courtesy of the weakened reach of the bike's main beam. But because I had negotiated this section of road perhaps some 10,000 times or more, I let my mind wander in complacency and began mentally drawing up a list of items to be purchased in the following day's weekly shop.

Hmmm. Let me think. If I'm to be the Manwich King I'm gonna need cheese. Yes, lots and lots of cheese. And flesh.I shall be needing flesh. I know! I'll buy a cow, lop its limbs off and flash fry the fucker. Perfect. I'll show them! Now condiments. Let's see. I suppose I could...

*Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech*

Just as I was mulling over the finer points of piccalilli, two figures presented themselves in the road literally inches before me, and only by the grace of Buddha did I react in time to swerve past them rather than mow the fuckers down in my path. They were walking, or should I say staggering, two abreast without torches or reflective gear or indeed brain cells, down a spectacularly darkened length of tarmac.

I stopped the bike, and any Siamese I have learnt during my stay here completely escaped me as I parted with a monologue of quite epic aggression, mixed with a hearty quota of shock.

Verbatim:

YOU FUCKING PRICKS, DO YOU WANNA FUCKING DIE OR SOMETHING

I left them to consider my raw sentiments, and sped towards the local shop where I would seek the advice of several large award winning ales and the shopkeeper.

".........so what if I'd hit them?"

"If you've killed them, you run, you only have one life and you don't wanna be spending it in prison"

"Really? I'm not sure I could live with that on my conscience."

"Grow a pair of bollocks, man. I've done it loads of times."

Now in a state of bemused perplexity, Slap orders a quadruple Ya-Dong, and drinks it very fucking quickly indeed.

[palexxxx]

^ I'm impressed, they can afford paint in deepest darkest Isaan.

[somtamslap]

they can afford paint in deepest darkest Isaan.

I photo-shopped that to make me look spunky.

Bout time you rode the big bike down here for a proper burn, isn't it mate?

I know you enjoyed eating the Wave dust last time

[Dillinger]

Mmmm piccalilli

[somtamslap]

Mmmm piccalilli

I once vexed a flat-mate of mine by eating his whole jar of piccalilli with a spoon when I came in pissed one night.

But it was worth it.

[Yasojack]

I enjoy driving around the villages, having to be a master of obstacle courses, just when you think you have the road down to a T, another pot hole happens to appear

[somtamslap]

another pot hole happens to appear

or another brace of wandering drunkards on a mission to succumb to a fat fucker hurtling along on a Honda Wave.

[Makmak456]

Must have really rattled you STS, almost a complete lack of your usual
whitty verbage

[Jack meoff]

Is that a cycle path?

[Satonic]

Is that a cycle path?

More importantly I believe I see a puddle... It obviously hasn't been raining

[somtamslap]

Is that a cycle path?

It's a bladdy main road, mucker!

More importantly I believe I see a puddle... It obviously hasn't been raining

It's a farkin' mirage, bruv!

[Dillinger]

Somtamslaps the only cycle path on this thread, driving too fast around that blind turn.

just saying like

[beazalbob69]

Hell that "road" cough, cough looks a million times better than the road I take to get from the village to Chon Buri. Our wonderful little piece of Thai D.O.T. engineering looks like a stop on the World Rally Racing Championship's. Everytime I drive through it I picture trying to do 130kph instead of 20kph.

[ltnt]

^Watch out for "speed bumps." Some of them may be Somtomslap passed out in the roadway....think about it?

[Rural Surin]

Is that a cycle path?

....and why the bother to pave it?

[somtamslap]

Somtomslap passed out in the roadway.

Slap only passes out in ditches. It's tradition, didn't you know.

[Rural Surin]

Somtomslap passed out in the roadway.

Slap only passes out in ditches. It's tradition, didn't you know.

Emarrassing Farang Drunkard.
Giving the superior race a well-deserved bad name.


Shameful.

[palexxxx]

they can afford paint in deepest darkest Isaan.

I photo-shopped that to make me look spunky.

Bout time you rode the big bike down here for a proper burn, isn't it mate?

I know you enjoyed eating the Wave dust last time

Yeah, I should make another trip down your way some time. Only thing is that I'm too busy this month, and next month you're on your way back to Blighty.

[ltnt]

Slap only passes out in ditches. It's tradition, didn't you know.

Sorry I forgot. Gravy-Davy also did the ditches thing, DNA or part of British survival techniques?

[withnallstoke]

Sorry I forgot. Gravy-Davy also did the ditches thing, DNA or part of British survival techniques?

I have woken up at the bottom of some roadworks before - does that count?

I kept a cone as a souvenir.

[baldrick]

^ did they buy that excuse at at accident and emergency ?

or did the looks on their faces say " here's another one trying to fit large objects up his own arse " ?

[withnallstoke]

^ The latter.

[Necron99]

That looks suspiciously like a bicycle path used by hippies and ramblers in some East Sussex nature reserve.

I'm beginning to think Slaps just makes all this shit up..

[Bogon]

Yellow lines or a trail of poo he left behind?
Make you own mind up.

[Seekingasylum]

As a metaphor for life, that road, in that desolate region, in this absurd country, going from nowhere to nowhere and travelled by our hero insensate to all but the ephemeral is a perfect example and defines futility better than a thousand disappointments.