I got home the other night to a house pitched in darkness. Everyone must be out I thought with an ever increasing grin which had 'session of bloodthirsty masturbation pending' written all over it.
I stepped onto the balcony and just about suffered a coronary when I saw Por's gaunt figure move in the shadows.
"Mai mee fai" (no electric) he groaned
"Where's it fucking gone then?" I asked not expecting a reply because Por can only be conversed with when you get right up in his good ear and shout as loud as you fucking can.
Great! Not only was the house occupied, meaning wanking like a lunatic was now out of the question, but we also had no electric so I could say toodle-pip to anything else I previously had on the night's agenda.
Having just left the local shop I immediately went back and relieved it of a gross amount of beer before phoning my wife and inquiring into where the fucking hell she was. It transpired she was at the hospital as my youngest had fallen down a set of steps and was now having her forehead stitched up.
The more pressing issue of the lack of electricity soon began to monopolise the conversation. The fact that ours was the only house not to have any was somewhat worrying and I was determined to get to the bottom of this right away.
"Oh the builders next door may have disturbed the cable as they cut down a tree near it today"
*Hurricane slap mode activated*
I took a final shot of Ya Dong, boarded my motorcycle, raced towards where the builders kept their tools and pissed all over them whilst screaming at the moon.
"Come back here and fix my cable, you CUNTS"
Which they did after a few phone calls from my neighbours who were obviously scared of getting urinated on.