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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Preparation for a long haul flight

    I like sitting on airplanes about as much as I like sucking the shit out of dead dogs, and since I have a long haul flight rapidly approaching I am currently piecing together a master plan which will see me in state of absolute unconsciousness for the entire duration of the trip.

    Starting here in the northeast, I shall wildly indulge myself in my favourite tipple and buy the fucking t-shirt before bidding farewell to my unhygienic acquaintances in the local shop.



    The next port of call will be the train station where I shall start making aggressive sorties into this handsome collection of receptacles.



    Upon disembarking the train, I will hustle towards a taxi and have the driver chaffeur me to a little shop near the airport. The little shop will be a nondescript affair and will not, repeat not, be in the close proximity of any establishments where one might run amok for an hour or so with an aging masseuse called Waraporn.

    Having given myself plenty of room to maneuver, the time should now be about 6 pm, my flight not until midnight, and the little shop of my choice will bear the brunt of a monumental siege as I struggle to rinse every last droplet of alcohol from it before check in time.

    Come the check-in stage I aim to be absolutely fucking battered, and after being directed to the correct gate I shall endeavor to be sick several times in a public area in order to prepare my palate for several milligrams of the mother load.

    Just as the pretty little stewardess grimaces as I stagger towards the plane, I shall drop a couple of these and come up smiling in Heathrow.



    A Slap Production

  2. #2
    On a walkabout
    Loy Toy's Avatar
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    A word of warning Slaps.

    My mate from Cornwall adopted the Slap production and was duly turned away at the boarding gate deemed too drunk to fly.

    If I was you I would reserve the little cement table and chair at the little shop near the airport for a possible unscheduled return whilst your plane is winging it to Heathrow.

  3. #3
    Member funfun123's Avatar
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    sounds like a good plan as any, id add smoking 100 cigs an hour, but thats just personal choice

  4. #4
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    I know a guy on a Emirates flight LHR/BKK been to his brothers wedding in Ireland had his 5 year old daughter taken into care at Dubai cos he was so pissed.Made him sober up for 24 hours before he was allowed to board a Bangkok flight,he blamed it on the tranquiliser's i blame it on him proper piss head.

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Loy Toy
    If I was you I would reserve the little cement table and chair at the little shop near the airport for a possible unscheduled return whilst your plane is winging it to Heathrow.
    By hook or by crook I shall be on that damn plane, even if I have to accuse the stewards of 'touching me'.


  6. #6
    Thailand Expat
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    Talking of piss, after drinking that amount, you will probably awake in a big puddle of your own if you do manage to sleep through it. The dehydration will fuck you too

    My advice is to get absolutely shit faced the night before your flight in Bangkok, then wake earlyish and suffer on the sofa all day, your body will be dying to recover the sleep come the time of your flight. Try and stay awake until altitude is reached and dinner served.
    Always works for me, No Xanax required

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    and dinner served.
    You're making this sound like a restaurant.

    It's a piece of metal. With loads of people in it. 35,000 feet above the fucking planet.

    IT.ISNT.RIGHT!!!

  8. #8
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    Only way to travel long haul, Have a good trip Slap

  9. #9
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Try and get the flights that leave just after midnight our last flight had 2 beers 2 glasses of wine and a brandy,woke up over Germany slept over 8 hours.

  10. #10
    Lord of Swine
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    Last time I flew out of Stockholm some ruddy viking tried that.
    They knocked him back and delayed the flight for an hour while they pulled his luggage out of the hold.

  11. #11
    ความสุขในอีสาน
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    Try an alternative approach mate , take your iPad app it up with sketch book pro 4.29 then engrose yourself in artistry en-route , you will produce some fine works of art to add to my post your art here thread and the time will literally fly by.

    Works for me every time
    I'm proud of my 38" waist , also proud I have never done drugs

  12. #12
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nigelandjan
    take your iPad


    This is Slap you're talking to here.

    An iPad to slapper means one of these...


  13. #13
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by nigelandjan
    Try an alternative approach mate , take your iPad app it up with sketch book pro 4.29 then engrose yourself in artistry en-route
    Probably find yourself the victim of a Gaybashing and knocked spark out for the duration

  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Probably find yourself the victim of a Gaybashing and knocked spark out for the duration
    That will do as long as I'm out.

    I actually woke myself up the other night whilst screaming 'I AIN'T GETTIN' ON NO PLANE, FOOL'.

  15. #15
    euston has flown

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    Take an asprin just before you fly. If you are planning to dehydrate yourself with alcohol and sleep though the flight.... its a good idea to thin your blood, to avoid unpleasant surprises at the other end of the flight.

    Ive heard of so many cases of people being turned away for being shit faced I don't think its worth the risk. If its the dutch courage you need, take valium, if its the tedium you cannot stand, valium and if you need sleep, cheap antihistamines.

    Personally I just take a tablet with torrent tv loaded in it, watch tv and sleep as I feel like it.

  16. #16
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    When are you heading back?

    First time in what, 10 years?

    good luck with that my old mate.


  17. #17
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    My first flight back to blighty after 6 years in Thailand i was left mouth open in disbelief.
    The size of farang women was a truly shocking sight.That will whittle away a few hours just staring at them bit like looking at an alien entity.

  18. #18
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    10 years really?

    You are in for a shock mate!

  19. #19
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hazz
    take valium
    I might have to if these fools don't serve me in the pharmacy.


    Quote Originally Posted by jizzybloke
    10 years really?
    Six years. I was back in 2007 for 3 weeks.
    Quote Originally Posted by alwarner
    good luck with that my old mate.
    I'm already literally having nightmares about it.

  20. #20
    Thailand Expat
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    i suspect now is a good time to buy shares in Greggs

  21. #21
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Greggs
    Greggs, strongbow and kebab houses will presently be sky rocketing..

  22. #22
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by alwarner
    good luck with that my old mate.
    I'm already literally having nightmares about it.
    You'll be alright. It'll be cold and shit, but, you'll surprise yourself at how quickly you adapt.

    I might start a sweepstake on how long you last in blighty.

  23. #23
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    Suggest drink plenty of water, eat lots of fruit & veggies. Get good night sleep. Perhaps start an exercise regime, get fit for travel. And most importantly avoid sex the night before.

    Travel safe.

  24. #24
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by alwarner
    It'll be cold
    I don't mind the cold. I want the cold. Perpetually mopping my brow with forearm is becoming tiresome.
    Quote Originally Posted by alwarner
    I might start a sweepstake on how long you last in blighty.
    I know how it's going to be: a few days of loving it. A few weeks of being scared. A few months of being depressed. And a few years sentenced to hard wanking.

  25. #25
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Exige
    Suggest drink plenty of water, eat lots of fruit & veggies. Get good night sleep. Perhaps start an exercise regime, get fit for travel. And most importantly avoid sex the night before.

    Travel safe.
    Why did I start this? Everyone's beginning to scare me now.

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