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Old 19-02-2013, 10:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Preparation for a long haul flight

I like sitting on airplanes about as much as I like sucking the shit out of dead dogs, and since I have a long haul flight rapidly approaching I am currently piecing together a master plan which will see me in state of absolute unconsciousness for the entire duration of the trip.

Starting here in the northeast, I shall wildly indulge myself in my favourite tipple and buy the fucking t-shirt before bidding farewell to my unhygienic acquaintances in the local shop.



The next port of call will be the train station where I shall start making aggressive sorties into this handsome collection of receptacles.



Upon disembarking the train, I will hustle towards a taxi and have the driver chaffeur me to a little shop near the airport. The little shop will be a nondescript affair and will not, repeat not, be in the close proximity of any establishments where one might run amok for an hour or so with an aging masseuse called Waraporn.

Having given myself plenty of room to maneuver, the time should now be about 6 pm, my flight not until midnight, and the little shop of my choice will bear the brunt of a monumental siege as I struggle to rinse every last droplet of alcohol from it before check in time.

Come the check-in stage I aim to be absolutely fucking battered, and after being directed to the correct gate I shall endeavor to be sick several times in a public area in order to prepare my palate for several milligrams of the mother load.

Just as the pretty little stewardess grimaces as I stagger towards the plane, I shall drop a couple of these and come up smiling in Heathrow.



A Slap Production
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Old 19-02-2013, 11:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
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A word of warning Slaps.

My mate from Cornwall adopted the Slap production and was duly turned away at the boarding gate deemed too drunk to fly.

If I was you I would reserve the little cement table and chair at the little shop near the airport for a possible unscheduled return whilst your plane is winging it to Heathrow.
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Old 19-02-2013, 11:06 AM   #3 (permalink)
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sounds like a good plan as any, id add smoking 100 cigs an hour, but thats just personal choice
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Old 19-02-2013, 11:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I know a guy on a Emirates flight LHR/BKK been to his brothers wedding in Ireland had his 5 year old daughter taken into care at Dubai cos he was so pissed.Made him sober up for 24 hours before he was allowed to board a Bangkok flight,he blamed it on the tranquiliser's i blame it on him proper piss head.
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Old 19-02-2013, 11:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loy Toy
If I was you I would reserve the little cement table and chair at the little shop near the airport for a possible unscheduled return whilst your plane is winging it to Heathrow.
By hook or by crook I shall be on that damn plane, even if I have to accuse the stewards of 'touching me'.

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Old 19-02-2013, 11:22 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Talking of piss, after drinking that amount, you will probably awake in a big puddle of your own if you do manage to sleep through it. The dehydration will fuck you too

My advice is to get absolutely shit faced the night before your flight in Bangkok, then wake earlyish and suffer on the sofa all day, your body will be dying to recover the sleep come the time of your flight. Try and stay awake until altitude is reached and dinner served.
Always works for me, No Xanax required
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Old 19-02-2013, 11:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Dillinger
and dinner served.
You're making this sound like a restaurant.

It's a piece of metal. With loads of people in it. 35,000 feet above the fucking planet.

IT.ISNT.RIGHT!!!
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Old 19-02-2013, 11:31 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Only way to travel long haul, Have a good trip Slap
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Old 19-02-2013, 11:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Try and get the flights that leave just after midnight our last flight had 2 beers 2 glasses of wine and a brandy,woke up over Germany slept over 8 hours.
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Old 19-02-2013, 11:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Last time I flew out of Stockholm some ruddy viking tried that.
They knocked him back and delayed the flight for an hour while they pulled his luggage out of the hold.
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Old 19-02-2013, 11:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Try an alternative approach mate , take your iPad app it up with sketch book pro 4.29 then engrose yourself in artistry en-route , you will produce some fine works of art to add to my post your art here thread and the time will literally fly by.

Works for me every time
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Old 19-02-2013, 11:46 AM   #12 (permalink)
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take your iPad


This is Slap you're talking to here.

An iPad to slapper means one of these...

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Old 19-02-2013, 11:50 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Try an alternative approach mate , take your iPad app it up with sketch book pro 4.29 then engrose yourself in artistry en-route
Probably find yourself the victim of a Gaybashing and knocked spark out for the duration
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Old 19-02-2013, 12:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dillinger
Probably find yourself the victim of a Gaybashing and knocked spark out for the duration
That will do as long as I'm out.

I actually woke myself up the other night whilst screaming 'I AIN'T GETTIN' ON NO PLANE, FOOL'.
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Old 19-02-2013, 12:40 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Take an asprin just before you fly. If you are planning to dehydrate yourself with alcohol and sleep though the flight.... its a good idea to thin your blood, to avoid unpleasant surprises at the other end of the flight.

Ive heard of so many cases of people being turned away for being shit faced I don't think its worth the risk. If its the dutch courage you need, take valium, if its the tedium you cannot stand, valium and if you need sleep, cheap antihistamines.

Personally I just take a tablet with torrent tv loaded in it, watch tv and sleep as I feel like it.
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Old 19-02-2013, 12:41 PM   #16 (permalink)
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When are you heading back?

First time in what, 10 years?

good luck with that my old mate.

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Old 19-02-2013, 12:43 PM   #17 (permalink)
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My first flight back to blighty after 6 years in Thailand i was left mouth open in disbelief.
The size of farang women was a truly shocking sight.That will whittle away a few hours just staring at them bit like looking at an alien entity.
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Old 19-02-2013, 12:48 PM   #18 (permalink)
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10 years really?

You are in for a shock mate!
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Old 19-02-2013, 12:54 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hazz
take valium
I might have to if these fools don't serve me in the pharmacy.


Quote:
Originally Posted by jizzybloke
10 years really?
Six years. I was back in 2007 for 3 weeks.
Quote:
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good luck with that my old mate.
I'm already literally having nightmares about it.
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Old 19-02-2013, 12:55 PM   #20 (permalink)
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i suspect now is a good time to buy shares in Greggs
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Old 19-02-2013, 12:58 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Greggs
Greggs, strongbow and kebab houses will presently be sky rocketing..
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Old 19-02-2013, 01:03 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alwarner
good luck with that my old mate.
I'm already literally having nightmares about it.
You'll be alright. It'll be cold and shit, but, you'll surprise yourself at how quickly you adapt.

I might start a sweepstake on how long you last in blighty.
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Old 19-02-2013, 01:04 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Suggest drink plenty of water, eat lots of fruit & veggies. Get good night sleep. Perhaps start an exercise regime, get fit for travel. And most importantly avoid sex the night before.

Travel safe.
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Old 19-02-2013, 01:07 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alwarner
It'll be cold
I don't mind the cold. I want the cold. Perpetually mopping my brow with forearm is becoming tiresome.
Quote:
Originally Posted by alwarner
I might start a sweepstake on how long you last in blighty.
I know how it's going to be: a few days of loving it. A few weeks of being scared. A few months of being depressed. And a few years sentenced to hard wanking.
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Old 19-02-2013, 01:08 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Exige
Suggest drink plenty of water, eat lots of fruit & veggies. Get good night sleep. Perhaps start an exercise regime, get fit for travel. And most importantly avoid sex the night before.

Travel safe.
Why did I start this? Everyone's beginning to scare me now.
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