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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Strange things are afoot at the local shop

    I've been supplementing the diets of the dogs at the local shop for the best part of half a decade now. Their indifferent owners are more than happy for them to live on whatever they might drag out of the jungle; a rat, a snake, an eel, an elderly lady in the midst of a betel nut induced constitutional, an aged gentleman who passed out in a ditch seven months ago, a recalcitrant teenage biker who mistook a tree for a fucking road, and other such various undesirables.

    But from the perspective of a real life human being, going about indulging in an evening beverage or two in the company of slowly decaying mutts is not particularly conducive to a clear conscience come the end the ale. There I am, turning into a nasty fat fucker with an acute perspiration complaint, and there's Fido hacking on the blades of grass that his thoughtful master dished up for dinner. Imagine that! Being at the mercy of a degenerate drunk with a penchant for passing out as a means of making culinary ends meet. Fido, me old son, you may as well dash out into the road and play with the traffic until you're in a decided state of being dead - because this fucker who calls himself your owner can't even feed himself, let alone you, my mate.

    I therefore took it upon myself to assist the canine community by offering up a selection of light bites and snack treats of an evening. Simple fare such as leftover rice, the occasional tin of sardines and fried chicken pieces were placed on polythene bags and in turn tended to with hoggish ferocity. Within days these hounds began to look more respectable than their owners as fur grew back, midriffs expanded and a warm and sleepy content set in.

    Up until last Saturday this was an entirely thankless task...

    I bought a couple of chicken pieces for the two dogs present, the others were already asleep in the narrow country lane at the front of the shop, and just as I was about to feed them, a female who goes by the name of I-Wan, stood on her hind legs, placed her front paws above her head and offered me the most lucid Wai that you could possibly muster coming from an animal.

    The shopkeeper flew into an ecstatic chorus of delight, the drunken contingent sitting at the provided exterior furniture gasped, the elderly swooned and fell to the floor, small children shrieked with horror, and I, well I am now considered a God.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    God ?

    Does that sound like Farang Sucker in issan thai ?

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Does that sound like Farang Sucker in issan thai ?
    No, absolutely nothing like it.

  4. #4
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    well i,ll be fucked , a reincarnated somchai

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker
    a reincarnated somchai
    It looked like it. Seriously weird shit since the dogs have never been taught anything.

  6. #6
    ENT
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    Dogs are all reincarnated thieves.....tell us more.

  7. #7
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    Ghost dog. You are being watched.

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by ENT
    ...tell us more.
    There isn't much else to tell. The mutt gave me whopping great wai then tucked down on some fried chicken.

  9. #9
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Lottery numbers for the next draw, and charge the bastards for them.

    This is your chance in a lifetime of quick easy cash - just remember to move far away on the eve of the draw.


  10. #10
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^ It was a much more arse licky wai than that. Front legs fully extended above the head..

  11. #11
    ENT
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by ENT
    ...tell us more.
    There isn't much else to tell. The mutt gave me whopping great wai then tucked down on some fried chicken.
    A cunning reincarnated thief then.

  12. #12
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    It was a much more arse licky wai than that. Front legs fully extended above the head..
    Like it was protecting itself from being beaten with another thighbone?

  13. #13
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Like it was protecting itself from being beaten with another thighbone?
    No, like it was worshiping my ass..

  14. #14
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    I reckon Somchai had been training that dog for a great while, to go up to a farang and wai. Judging by the screams from the natives they were all informed of Somchais dog whisperer pirate DVD

  15. #15
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    I reckon Somchai had been training that dog for a great while
    Don't steal my thunder. I think it's quite obvious I'm the chosen one..

  16. #16
    Fuck it
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    What a beautiful story Slap, brought a tear to my eye that one

    (I generaly prefer dogs to humans)

  17. #17
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satonic
    (I generaly prefer dogs to humans)
    The dogs at the shop tend to have more human traits than the locals..

  18. #18
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Hahaha.
    Well written piece by the way.

    On another note. I had a mate once whos dog hated black people and would chase them down the road.

    When i had a condo in bangkok, in the end condo which i had to walk past every night was where all the security guards sat with a soi dog, that thing always scared the shit out of me. I swear they had it trained to bark to the word Farang. I could hear the fukkers laughing after 2.

  19. #19
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    I had a mate once whos dog hated black people and would chase them down the road.
    I had one of them. My darker acquaintances were none too impressed.

  20. #20
    Member Breny's Avatar
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    Slap you are a God type of chap. Feeding dogs is the first step, second snake whispering, third buffalo healing. Great things are destined for the farang they call slap, This is true ,as a small lizard im on first name terms with told me.

  21. #21
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breny
    Feeding dogs is the first step, second snake whispering, third buffalo healing.
    I've seen Slap healing a buffalo, but i'm not sure why he was standing on a box behind the sick animal.
    It was a very physically demanding thing for Slap to do, so demanding in fact that at one point Slaps trousers actually came loose and fell around his ankles.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
    God ?

    Does that sound like Farang Sucker in issan thai ?
    He doesn't realise it yet, but he is being played for a sucker.
    It's all part of the cycling game in country existence.

    Thais will have the last laugh.
    Your only recourse is to extend humility.

  23. #23
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    so demanding in fact that at one point Slaps trousers actually came loose and fell around his ankles.
    And whilst pulling them up I had to engage in two frantic pelvic thrusts. It was only after this that the patient was healed.

  24. #24
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breny
    snake whispering
    I'm pretty fucking damn excellent at snake screaming..

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    so demanding in fact that at one point Slaps trousers actually came loose and fell around his ankles.
    And whilst pulling them up I had to engage in two frantic pelvic thrusts. It was only after this that the patient was healed.
    Pervert.

    Does your Mother know of your Isaan doings?

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