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Old 25-01-2013, 08:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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The Chap in the Public House

I say! You! Yes, you with the jeans and the wellington boots!

Did you set out this balmy evening to offend me?

Was it your intention to override the dusk chorus of irritable reptiles and sexually frustrated hounds with your ill-mixed cacophony of song and verse, which is appreciated by none other than the subconscious that emits such a painstakingly antagonistic screech?

Isn't the fact that I'm currently holding my novel some 2 millimetres from my face a gesture which obviously cries "FUCK OFF, YOU KUNT, I'm otherwise engaged?"

Are the vocals you are currently departing with absolutely necessary in such a confined space?

Are you aware that you are literally seconds from being introduced, rather quite violently, to the label that dons my bottle of ale?

No?

Well I'll be off then, you fucking twat!

And with that, Slap exited the local shop and wrote a load of bollocks on the internet.

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Old 25-01-2013, 08:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Some geezers.
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Old 25-01-2013, 08:58 PM   #3 (permalink)
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What are you doing reading a book in a Karaoke bar you nutter ?
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Old 25-01-2013, 09:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
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What are you doing reading a book in a Karaoke bar you nutter ?
Clutching at the straws of sanity, quite fecklessly, mind you...
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Old 25-01-2013, 09:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You need a Wetherspoons up there mate,
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Old 25-01-2013, 09:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
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You need a Withernalls up there mate,
I fear it may be too late.

The next time we hear from Slapper may well be in the type of headline normal folk would not open.

"Huge Westerner found".
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Old 25-01-2013, 10:28 PM   #7 (permalink)
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As a certifiable member of the BII (British Institute of Innkeeping), I beg to inform you that i would never tolerate this kind of itinerant behaviour in my establishment,

This might even wake the Innkeeper from his slumber. Narcotic, somnambulant, soporific and somniferous I may be, but it was always incumbent upon my customers not to wake me with trivia such as pouring ale and considering the change required from a ten shilling note.
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Old 25-01-2013, 10:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by chassamui
Narcotic, somnambulant, soporific and somniferous I may be
,

Is that like being pissed and stoned and then a dreadlock gives t'you some sort of the white powder fing?

And you can't sleep, despite the opiates, and sixty fucking hours of previous form?
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Old 25-01-2013, 11:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I was very concerned untill I realized that the title read 'Public', not, 'Out'
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Old 26-01-2013, 06:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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What was the book "War & Peace?'
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Old 26-01-2013, 07:49 AM   #11 (permalink)
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A book? I you want to read go someplace where you are alone, not a bar or suchlike
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Old 26-01-2013, 08:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Fixed that for you

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Originally Posted by withnallstoke View Post

"Huge Westerner found near massage parlour with badly abraded penis".
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Old 26-01-2013, 01:34 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Mpm
C’mon now. A bar is an ideal place to read. It stimulates the mental juices and gives inspiration to the likes of Somtamslap. Why, Hemingway wrote “For Whom The Bell Tolls” in a Madrid dive called “the Bull Gahone’s” ” during the Spanish Civil War whilst rat-arsed on local wine and cheese flavored crisps. Bet you did not know that!
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Old 26-01-2013, 04:19 PM   #14 (permalink)
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cheese flavored
what sort of cheese ? knob smeg ?
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Old 26-01-2013, 05:03 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Koojo View Post
I was very concerned untill I realized that the title read 'Public', not, 'Out'
Evidently, within some circles, public has a much different connotation.

Intolerant cnuts.
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Old 27-01-2013, 07:40 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MANICHAEAN
Why, Hemingway wrote “For Whom The Bell Tolls” in a Madrid dive called “the Bull Gahone’s” ” during the Spanish Civil War
Quote:
Originally Posted by MANICHAEAN
Bet you did not know that!
not suprising as Ernest Hemingway wrote For Whom the Bell Tolls in Cuba, Key West, and Sun Valley, Idaho in 1939. In Cuba, he lived in the Hotel Ambos-Mundos where he worked on the manuscript.
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Old 27-01-2013, 05:43 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MANICHAEAN
Why, Hemingway wrote “For Whom The Bell Tolls” in a Madrid dive called “the Bull Gahone’s” ” during the Spanish Civil War
Quote:
Originally Posted by MANICHAEAN
Bet you did not know that!
not suprising as Ernest Hemingway wrote For Whom the Bell Tolls in Cuba, Key West, and Sun Valley, Idaho in 1939. In Cuba, he lived in the Hotel Ambos-Mundos where he worked on the manuscript.
Ironically, took a fancy to these isolated Idaho locales, as he offed himself in Ketchum, Idaho - alone and broke.

Tragic anti-hero.
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Old 28-01-2013, 04:38 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Ah ha. A few pearls in there!
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