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  1. #1
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    somtamslap's Avatar
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    The Hua Hin Subway Saga

    Inspired by Koojo's 'Where's my fucking burrito'


    "Erm, Pater? Concerning our eventual whereabouts" my eldest recalcitrant off-spring put it to me in a broken mix of English and Siamese as we boarded my wife's battered Toyota Tiger which is in constant fucking need of repair, "shall we today be attending the charms of the beach or will we in fact be gracing a theme park-esque establishment which boasts a wealth of exotic animals and an assortment of playful paraphernalia?"

    "How much you have to learn, little one", I replied. "You failed to add option C to your list of possible excursions, which in this instance comes in the form of driving extremely quickly to the nearest Subway branch and watching your father overdose on granary products, cold cuts and a quite simply splendid selection of salad items and condiments"

    "Well fuck you, then" she retorted, again in a delicate jumble of Anglo-Saxon and gook talk.

    "Yes, fuck me indeed"

    Call me selfish but I'd had a hankering for one these foot long feasts for the best part of five years and I could almost taste the balsamic vinegar and olive oil dressed jalapeno peppers as we gunned the vehicle towards the diner.

    The first hindrance was parking, or rather lack there of, so I instructed my other half to drop me off here, yes, right fucking here, right in front of the fucking place, whilst she found a place to park the car.

    I walked with a gait akin to that of someone desperate for a shit, towards the Subway and promptly barged my way among the irritating undesirables who were busy cluttering the restaurant whilst scrutinizing the choices on offer.

    "Foot long. Meatball. Every fucking thing on it." I placed my order with the utmost efficiency.

    I took a seat with my recently liberated can of coke which I later came to find weighed in at an extortionate 50 baht, and waited for my sandwich to be presented to me in all of its vibrant glory.

    Then I saw them. Three figures walking menacingly towards me.

    HERE THEY COME TO WRECK THE DAY

    My family entered the eatery and my youngest immediately became incredibly excitable, a bit like a puppy with ADHD. She ran over to me, said "Hi there father, if you think your going to be eating your pending repast in peace then you've gotta another fucking thing coming", before up-turning a table and kicking a chair.

    I'm quite sure it was unintentional, but there was no excuse for such exuberance whilst Pater was salivating in anticipation of the first edible fare to pass his lips in the past half a decade, so a ferocious bollocking followed by a monstrous belt to the behind ensued - as of course did tears. Once they had dried though, my eldest decided it would be in fine form to poke her little sister in the eye which again resulted in highly vocal waterworks from both parties as the young one had a pupil complaint and the elder of the brats had an exceptionally sore pair of buttocks after having been furiously spanked in front of a gawping crowd of spectators.

    "What? You wanna photo of this shit? Fuck off back to the Hilton, you decrepit old twats".

    My meal was finally presented to me by an alarmed member of the waiting team and I promptly banished my little bundles of love from the venue in order to savour the delights of my sandwich which was teeming with bountiful amounts of cholesterol and nutrients.

    And she was a beauty...



    A few pangs of guilt regarding the public thrashing of my daughters quickly reared after I'd concluded my meal, so I took them down the beach, gave them to a piss-head with a horse and let them get on with it for half an hour.
    Last edited by somtamslap; 23-12-2012 at 11:34 AM.

  2. #2
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    You really should have gone with the pizziola.

    And bought the kids a cookie, you miserable cnut

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    And bought the kids a cookie
    Oh they were fed. But not in my immediate proximity - it was strictly prohibited.

  4. #4
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    Nice one SS, that made for some good & funny reading over breakfast

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satonic
    over breakfast
    Didn't go to Church this morning then? It's official, N'tonic's a filthy heathen...

  6. #6
    Fuck it
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Satonic
    over breakfast
    Didn't go to Church this morning then? It's official, N'tonic's a filthy heathen...
    See post #15

    https://teakdoor.com/the-teakdoor-lou...-joy-beer.html (Joy Beer)

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satonic
    See post #15
    It's official. N'Tonic's a degenerate drunkard...

  8. #8
    Fuck it
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    It's official. N'Tonic's a degenerate drunkard...
    If you can't beat them, join them...




  9. #9
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satonic
    If you can't beat them, join them...
    It's official. N'Tonic takes round 1. And is a saucy bastard to boot..

  10. #10
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    Not surprised you get the shits eating that muck slap.

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by xanax
    Not surprised you get the shits eating that muck slap.
    That's michelin starred cuisine in my world...

  12. #12
    ...................
    sunsetter's Avatar
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    every time without fail, subway the world over gives me the shits, must be the jalapenos, but i just carnt resist em

  13. #13
    On a walkabout Loy Toy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunsetter
    subway the world over gives me the shits,
    Perfect solution for Slap's bowel movement problems.

  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
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    Needless to say I went to Burger King alone..

    Now that there is a work of art:


  15. #15
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Loy Toy
    Perfect solution for Slap's bowel movement problems.
    Things go from bad to worse. First I can't shit, then I can, then I get a case of the runs and now my fucking bog's blocked!

    Strange things are afoot up my arse...

  16. #16
    Fuck it
    Satonic's Avatar
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    I had a packet of ready salted crisps which I dipped into mint sauce for lunch (with a sneaky 'Joy' beer I found hiding at the back of the fridge).

    I believe you won this battle Mr. Sssslap

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satonic
    mint sauce
    Quote Originally Posted by Satonic
    I believe you won this battle Mr. Sssslap
    Nope, round 2 once again goes to fucking N'Tonic..

    I haven't had mint sauce for bastard ever.

    But you have inspired me to make my own and I shall drizzle a few pints of it over my christmas dinner - which will probably come in the form of a fucking khao pad with an egg on top...

  18. #18
    Fuck it
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    Merry Xmas Slap

  19. #19
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satonic
    Merry Xmas Slap
    Is it? I don't feel very festive this year. It's not cold enough, I'm surrounded by irritating peasants and I have constant issues with my bowels.

    Yes, the tree is up, the kids have just about fathomed the notion of 'Christmas' and the fact they will shortly be in the possession of an abundance of new toys (dream on, girls) Tesco Lotus are offering up a selection holiday hymns in pan-pipe format, but I'm just not feeling it.

    2013 will be my year of reformation. My outlook will be purely optimistic and I will generally be a genial motherfucker to every one I encounter.

    Season greetings..

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Loy Toy
    Perfect solution for Slap's bowel movement problems.
    Things go from bad to worse. First I can't shit, then I can, then I get a case of the runs and now my fucking bog's blocked!

    Strange things are afoot up my arse...
    Well STS, its no wonder your bowels are in a constant state of "flux". Any proctologist would tell you that you can expect trouble if you engage in inserting strange things up your arse. I dont think measurement of the depth of insertion is going to ameliorate the general situation of your canal, either.

    Just a thought, mind.

  21. #21
    splendid and tremendous
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    ^ I must stop my weekly sojourns to the green grocers for 'specific' root crops..

  22. #22
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    After reading this bastard thread the very next thing I did was pack up my little girl and head to the nearest Subway. There's only so much pad krapow moo a man can handle, upon seeing Subway I immediately was drooling for a cold cut.

    Had a Subway club. Everything including oil and vinegar. T'was excellent.

  23. #23
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    Slap, what would you do if you got this for your meatball sub? Sorry its so small.


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    ^ Probably whack one of his kids round the head with it

  25. #25
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by grasshopper
    you can expect trouble if you engage in inserting strange things up your arse.
    I thought he ate the foot long bread thing, but his reputation does him no good.

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