Enough's enough: Operation Feline Removal has begun

[somtamslap]

This morning I booted a kitten. It spasmed frantically in the throes of death before gently laying its head on the sandy floor and silently expiring. Although at least that's what I thought it had done - and to be honest I felt fucking awful. But a minute or two later it came to and sped away from me like a freight train powered by pcp. That is one tough fucking cat, I mused.

Now, I'm not a totally irrational person, but after having spent my life savings (all 20,000 baht of it) on a 'larb lair' situated at the front of my premises, I found myself somewhat irked when I discovered a pride of felines taking a keen interest in the food stock whilst shitting and pissing all over the fucking place - cue the punt.

Enough is enough. Either they stay here and I kill them, or I round them up and ship them off into the jungle.

Due to past instances they all, in their own little way, completely despise me. This makes catching them pretty hard work.

The kittens were relatively easy, but the bigger ones are proving impossible to snare - much to the delight and amusement of the ever increasing crowd of spectators.

I will now go about employing the services of a small child to coax them with snack treats into the large bin I'm using as a means of transporting them some 3 kilometres into the depths of the unforgiving undergrowth behind my house..

The battle has begun..

[alitongkat]

maybe you can dig a waterfilled trench around your house?

[somtamslap]

maybe you can dig a waterfilled trench around your house?

I'm not sure my shovel's up to it.

[Thetyim]

^
Por could dig it with a tea spoon

[alitongkat]

sorry, around your wifes or MILs house...

a wall with barbed wire, or broken glass pieces on top, and a solid teak door could help as well?

[alitongkat]

the trench would also require a drawbridge

[somtamslap]

Por could dig it with a tea spoon

In minutes.

[SpicyMartin]

Catapault..... great fun and you don't need to move from the hammock!

[crocman]

Procure one sheet of corrugated iron,one 30 metre extension lead and tasty moggy treats.Place previously procured sheet of iron in a casual manner somewhere close to the offending felines favourite haunt.Retire inside and with a knowing smile playfully skipping off your lips proceed to remove the female plug from your extension lead.Once this has been accomplished and the wires have been exposed,take this end of the lead for a stroll out to the sheet of iron all the while keeping a wary eye out for any stray felixs.While bending over and pretending to tie your shoelaces(don't forget to wear shoes) attach the bare wires to the sheet iron.The next step is to bribe a rather dull child or Por to place the tasty moggy treats in the middle of the sheet iron and guard them until you give a pre arranged signal to leave the area.Whilst this has been happening you will have placed the male end of the lead into an outlet which you turned off prior to insertion.
Now we enter the next phase of our cunning and murderous plan.Give the signal to the dullard to commence his retreat,I find throwing rocks usually works well,and settle down for the wait.The wait is usually not very long,but you must be patient enough until all your targets are standing firmly on the iron.Please resist the urge to yell with devilish glee until after you have flicked the switch.Die bastard cats Die.

[somtamslap]

Kittens are surprisingly unfriendly when you attempt to contain them in a confined spaces aka the transportation capsule - I've sustained multiple lacerations to the forearms. What they don't understand is that I'm doing them a favour and significantly lengthening their lives by putting a large distance between them and me.

Into the jungle we go.

'I'm scared' I hear them meow from within bin.

'You aren't the only ones. I've gotta come out of this fucker alone'.





This abandoned sala looks like a likely spot for the dumpage..

[somtamslap]

.Please resist the urge to yell with devilish glee until after you have flicked the switch.Die bastard cats Die.

Another seasoned cat hater. Marvellous to see.

The thing is, I am the only one that fucking hates them here. Everyone else loves them. I'm working alone with stealth and precision.

[crocman]

.Please resist the urge to yell with devilish glee until after you have flicked the switch.Die bastard cats Die.

Another seasoned cat hater. Marvellous to see.

The thing is, I am the only one that fucking hates them here. Everyone else loves them. I'm working alone with stealth and precision.

Hence bribing the rock dodging moron.

[DrAndy]

Please resist the urge to yell with devilish glee until after you have flicked the switch.

yes, don't count your chickens, or dead kittens yet

all that will happen is that your house will fuse, everything will go black and your wife will try to kill you

the kittens will just stand on the iron sheet looking bemused

[alitongkat]

with your lacerations you are most likely infected by toxoplasmosis anyway... you will soon roll on your back and want the cats to shit on you...

with the pictures... i turned my laptop upside down, but i cant find the cat... can you post the riddle solutions, with circles around the cats, or whatever is supposed to be supsicious in them..?

[Necron99]

Next time you are in klong thom.
2500 baht for an semi automatic pellet pistol. includes ammo and gas.
hours of fun and entertainment, in the end you wont want them to go away.

[crocman]

^^^Replace the fuse with a 4 inch nail.How would you like a job dodging rocks?

[ENT]

^^True.

[Satonic]

I'll have 2 of whatever alitongkat is on please.

[Thetyim]

all that will happen is that your house will fuse

Correct

[nidhogg]

here you go slap - the answer to all your problems:

[The Big Fella]

cats I have banished already but dogs are my problem. The little B@stards have eaten through the electrics for the speedo on the wifes bike, chewed away half the back mudguard on her bike, the same on mine and the tax disc holder and today I have gone out and they have started to chew the car as well. The local plod has offered to come and shoot the fcukers but I don't like to be indebted to the police.
I need a quick and easy way of killing the little fcukers now. All other methods of persuasion have been tried and they still hang around. i'm now P1SSED
Advice on just what to give them to have them on their way the the great kennel in the sky appreciated.
OH and before all the animal lovers chip in with the name calling etc. I have asked the local dog rescue to come take them away and they can't be fcuking bothered and simply make excuses for why they can't.
Cheers BF !

[somtamslap]

^^ I best up the wank rate then. As it stands I must be offing a good 6 kittens a day..in a puddle of my own mess at that.

I just took them some food because I'm so fucking pleasant.

Only two were brave enough to face their arch nemesis at close proximity..



The others were probably expecting a buggering so they scuttled up trees or into the thicket, shatting it..

[somtamslap]

I have asked the local dog rescue to come take them away and they can't be fcuking bothered and simply make excuses for why they can't.

Can you bundle them up and take them there? It's just down the road in Taling Ngam..

[alitongkat]

possibly easier, to bundle up the guys from the rescue center and bring them to the house...

[The Big Fella]

I have asked the local dog rescue to come take them away and they can't be fcuking bothered and simply make excuses for why they can't.

Can you bundle them up and take them there? It's just down the road in Taling Ngam..

No can do. They know I fcuking hate them and as soon as they hear the door go and me walking up the stairs to the carport they are offski.
Fcuking dog rescue my arse.
I read in the paper that they had just received a large donation and they were going to use it to service their vehicles that service the island.
I went a few weeks later and told " can't come as cannot get up mountain, clutch no good " " Sorry cannot come up the mountain as the brakes no good "
So just what did they do with the large donation then ?
I now need something that will kill the fcukers quick and if possible painless. If not then painful. I'm now sick of them eating every fcukng thing !