The Local Shopkeeper: Narcotic serving hustler

[somtamslap]

I've just found myself an extremely captive audience to the semi-drunken ramblings of the local shopkeeper.

I've been acquainted with this purveyor of all things rotten and alcoholic for some 5 lao khao doused years now but this is the first occasion he has regaled anything worth listening to. In fact our are conversations are usually limited to me asking for a massive bag of ale and asking how much it is. Although he does often make queries into the availability of Swedish pornography whenever I journey to the shop with my computer.

I'm quite sure I caught him having a wank once in his little cubbyhole out the back but I can't be certain. What I am certain of is that if I abide to his wishes and download and burn him a copy of Swedish Lesbians in Fisting Frenzy Part 5, that half of his displayed merchandise would be showered in semen before you could say Abba. So I won't be doing that. I like the local shop. It's nice and fucking local.

For one reason or another our conversation turned to the pros and cons of a Yabba addiction.
His pro being that a single pill gives one the staying power to pound the local prostitute all night long, whilst his con was the high cost of the drug.

I wouldn't get into cocaine then, Shopkeeper.

He then went onto tell me that some 10 years ago he'd been locked-up after having been arrested by the local constabulary for being in possession of over 100 Yabba pills; but the shopkeeper is old school and still refers to it as Yamma (horse tranquilizing drugs).

He'd been stopped by the cops in Muak Lek and searched. The police had been tipped off by one of his narcotic dispensing adversaries and he was sent straight to a prison in Saraburi.

There he spent his first week as a new inmate battling for floor space with room only to lay on his side. Having to stare at the outline of his neighbour's bony buttocks whilst inhaling the dank, torrid flatulence which occupied the room, he was positively kicking himself with regret.

Since he was void of any currency his meals were served with a healthy helping of mucus which the prison guards would add to the repast in full view of the convicts. Snot was summonsed from bronchial lungs and spat into the food.

This wasn't part of the plan.

However, after a month or so of being subjected to the life of a stray hound, the shopkeeper had managed to correspond with his dear ol' mum who came to the prison immediately.

She parted with the princely sum of 250,000 baht and he walked away free that very day.

Seems quite reasonable deal to me.

[taxexile]

bronchial lungs

lungs are pulmonary and bronchii are bronchial, and snot is a nasal secretion, not a pulmonary secretion.

lungs produce phlegm, thick stringy greenish yellow phlegm, smokers oysters, but never snot.

details, slap, details.

you could say congested lungs, tubercular lungs or, if you wished to be non specific, rancid lungs, but not bronchial lungs.

[Breny]

Pssssst, does he have any Betel nuts under the counter? Just asking old chap, just asking.

Slap, start a blog to run in conjunction to your posts on here, you will make a few $$$ from adsence,2000 hits a month. Not much,but its enough to Buy a beer now and again. Go to blogspot.com and start the adventure. You can always put a limk to TD as well.

[Breny]

bronchial lungs

lungs are pulmonary and bronchii are bronchial, and snot is a nasal secretion, not a pulmonary secretion.

lungs produce mucus and phlegm, thick stringy viscous phlegm, but never snot.

details, slap, details.

you could say congested lungs, tubercular lungs or, if you wished to be non specific, rancid lungs, but not bronchial lungs.

Or just write "snot" or "phlem" or "wardens treat"

[somtamslap]

details, slap, details.

Does being half-cut excuse me from this error. I was gonna write 'bronchitis smudged respiratory system' but my finers aren't playing ball

Slap, start a blog to run in conjunction to your posts on here, you will make a few $$$ from adsence,2000 hits a month

Thanks, I may try. In fact I will try damn it

[somtamslap]

my finers aren't playing ball

You see?

[taxexile]

'bronchitis smudged respiratory system'

"a long stringy gobbet of warm greenish phlegm heaved up from his disease ravaged respiratory system" reads better, no?

[Breny]

^Yes, indeed. Mmmmm better nutrionally than fish head soup i guess, only if it's warm though.

[somtamslap]

"a long stringy gobbet of warm greenish phlegm heaved up from his disease ravaged respiratory system" reads better, no?

Not punchy enough.

How about:

Char-grilled catarrh, coughed up through a cacophony of calamitous convicts..?

[taxexile]

i think heaved is better than coughed, it implies a deep rasping chest rattling and throat warbling effort to free the foul gobbet from its fetid surroundings before it is viciously spat out.

[somtamslap]

i think heaved is better than coughed,

yeh, but it doesn't start with a C though

[Breny]

Or the cough of a cnut who confines convicts for cash, continiouly and concentientiously, counterresisting the cascade of couriers of certain death/imprisonment.

[Breny]

Or snot

[somtamslap]

Or snot

yes, let's stick with snot for this one

[Breny]

Your funny.

[somtamslap]

Your funny

My shrink gives a similar verdict..

[jizzybloke]

Your funny.

[somtamslap]

^ I'm here to amooshoo

I'd be proper pissed if someone played a 'joke' like that on me.

[Mid]

the best things in life are free .

thanxs Slap

[The Big Fella]

After the book deal are we looking at a film deal ?
if there was who would you want cast as you ? Maa, Por, her indoors etc

[Mr Lick]

Slaps stories are definitely an improvement on anything the British tabloids are currently printing on their front pages and indeed have a tad more truth/accuracy content.

Yabba and Abba, love it!

[Thetyim]

^ ^
I nominate Trevor Peacock for the role of Pa

[taxexile]

slap sid james
mrs slap barbara windsor
pa slap old man steptoe
ma slap hattie jaques.

[somtamslap]

if there was who would you want cast as you ?

Any famous fat alcoholics would do the job.

Por

Ditto

her indoors

Ditto

Maa

Ditto. But the actress must also be psychotic.

pa slap old man steptoe

There is an uncanny resemblance since you mention it.

[mingmong]

slap sid james
mrs slap barbara windsor
pa slap old man steptoe
ma slap hattie jaques.

sounds like a carry on Slap?