A Sociopath's Siamese Sabbatical

[somtamslap]

Ahm tellin yers, if that fookin kunt don't stop fookin' grinnin at ahs like some booftie, ahm gannae lay the nut so hard on the kunt that he won't be grinnin' again, fookin ever like..

Ah mean, ah kent before I goat on the fookin' plane that they called the place the Land ah Smiles or some such shite, bit aftir 12 hours sitting at the back of flight PG90, halfways through which they kunts from Thai Airways tried to deny ahs a nip ah scotch, ahm startin ter get a wee bit tetchy.

"AHH paid for this fooking all inclusive fooking journey" I stabs at mah chest with mah index finger. The wee lassie retreats and starts debating the issue with the bent kunt who served me mah inflight breakfast..fooking breakfast? Is that what yers call it? Tasted like it'd past through a fooking cow before it touched MAH fooking pallet.
So the booftie comes over, all apologetic like."I'm sorry sir, but we feel you've had enough and your language and behaviour is worrying some of the other passengers".
"Ah'll be tellin yer once and once only, mind..you get me one of they minature bottles of scotch the now or you'll be needing a new fooking face. Now, ah you with me now?"
The kunt shats it and fetches ahs a bottle, pronto. Aye, that'll do us. I looks at the TV thing on the back of the seat infront of ahs telling me we've 20 minutes until we're on the floor..thank fook..ah fooking hate this flying shite..only time ah've done it before was ta git tae some Kraut city for a swedge at the fitba, aye, never this 12 hours shite.

So, we're on the floor and all these cunts are just smiling at ahs and gettin in ma fooking face.
"Aye, I want a taxi" ah goes. The heat of the place is starting to nip at ma hid and I want oot of it right away, so ah I jumps in the taxi and the kunt with the eyes goes to ahs.."where you go?".."the fooking pub" ah tells em.."Ok" eh goes, and we're off.


So ahm away from the Joe Baxi an nashing down the road. 'Khao San' they calls it. Full of fucking poofs by the looks ah it. Any a they pikeys come near me an ah'll chib the kunts.
Ah see a pub with a load of pool tables and ahm thinking, aye, that's a bit of me like, so ah goes in an the fooking place is bursting with fanny, all gieng us the eye. Eye Eye..still got it..
Ah orders up a pint of McEwans but they cunts tell us they've no got it, so ah settle fer a bottle of this Chang, and to be fair to the kunts it's awright and I kin see mahself getting well hammered the night.
I walks up to the pool table and some gook lassie grabs a hold ah mah hand and ushers me towards a whiteboard where punters should jot there names should they want a game.."ahm nay fooking blind yer [at][at][at][at]" ah tells it.."I ken you can barely open your eyes bit mine work fine"..she looks awl offended and fooks off.
Aye, there's such a thing as being too friendly in mah book..kind of an old fashioned gent mahsell.

So, ah use this fooking big white board pen and writes mah name doon on the board..

"Slappa"

Ah takes a seat and waits for these kunts ter finish their games..and ah'll take another of them Chang while yer at it, eh love..

[watdog]

55555

[somtamslap]

So ahm sat in this comfy booth havin a wee blether with some gadge who speaks awl funny..kunt keeps saying 'zee' instead a 'the' so ah gits thinking to mahsell that he's a kraut kunt, one a they that like fucking each with sausages and all that filth..so ahm away fer the gadge before he winds me up too much and ends up wearing my fucking beer bottle as a necklace.

Finally, and it's my go on the pool and this wee gook goes to shake mah hand and introduces himself as Lek..funny fooking name aye.."right then Lek, you break ehm up eh" ah sais..but ahm glaring at the kunt cos he's got that look about him, something I cannae put mah finger on but one thing I know for sure is that this gadge best not get wide..naw naw..eh best not win .

So Lek breaks them up and he's got a couple in, and the kunt's smiling! He plays pool like a booftie. Nay [at][at][at][at] smiles when they play pool. I take mah eyes off the table for a moment and check on mah suitcase which is still under the table at the booth I was sat at.
Eventually yon gadge misses an easy stripe an it's mah turn to sink a few balls, looking at the kunt square in the eyes everytime one drops. These Yank tables are fucking piss easy to pot on, yer ken.

[good2bhappy]

are you a Geordie?

[Begbie]

Is this a quiz?

[sabaii sabaii]

hahaha

[somtamslap]

The black ball gets sunk and ahm the kunt te dae it. I punch the air with conviction and stare the smiling gadgie down..aye, that wiped yer face clean did it nay yer wide kunt.
Ahm back ter the bar and ordering up mah 7th bottle ah this Chang..good gear it is ahm tellin yers..ahm starting to get that friday feeling, if yer ken..aye, a wee bit a bugle would be nice the now..then on to find some digs yer ken..some where to pit mah fucking suitcase which is a pain to carry aboot when you're on the outside of his Chang shite..fooking hell..bugle it ehs then eh..

Ah goes up to yon Kraut radge and asks him if he kens anybody I can score fer. Eh looks at me all negative like which makes ahs want to lay the nut on the kunt and ehs going on aboot asking one of the locals like, they with eyes, ken..so's I sees Lek, "Eh" I says to em.."Can youse get hold of any bugle then yer radge kunt?" The wee chap looks like he's still baring us some animosity after the thumping he goat at the pool..but then I makes a gesture with mah finger..covering one ov mah nostrils and sniffing through the other yin"..[at][at][at][at] grasps what ahm oan aboot then, ah kin tell yer..yon grin returns and he's gesturing towards the bogs..gadge best not turn oot tae be a booftie...yer ken..

[withnallstoke]

Had a wee nip of the Welsh then slapper?

[somtamslap]

Ah follows the boy into the bogs and he gestures fer me tae step intae one of the cubicles with em..see if this lad tries anything soft then ehs gonna be eatin the sole of mah boot fer ehs tea the night's night. Instead this wide, grinning [at][at][at][at], Lek, they call the boy, produces a tube a sweeties like, red pills.
"You have to smoke them" eh goes..but ahm not wanting to smoke anything ah tells the [at][at][at][at], ahm wanting to hoover up some posh with mah beak, yer ken..fooking sweeties the boy's got..unbelievable.
But any port in a storm, ah suppose..gizza a bang then, ah goes..

He wants paying first..ah, yeh best nay rip us of here yer gadge..how much are yer wantin for one of these sweeties then, kunt? "300 baht" eh goes .Ah'd changed up 50,000 of these fucking bahts at the airport, so ahm well alright with the price and takes 5 off the boy.

The radge is well prepared and pulls out some tin foil..pits the pill on it, hands me a straw then lights the underside. Ah inhale like a bastard..takes me 3 hits to clear the kunt..1 minute later an ahm buzzin..

"Nice one then" Ah tells the boy and fooks off out the carsy..

Collects mah case and winks at the burd who's bin servin me yon Chang for the past two hours..fooking ride and a half that wee lassie..

Then ahm away an oot the door..with digs followed by more of that fooking Chang on mah brain, ken..

[alwarner]

I think he has withnall. Very enjoyable too.

[somtamslap]

are you a Geordie?

Is this a quiz?

Welsh

Am ah no makin masell clear?

[alwarner]

^Irvine

[sabaii sabaii]

Glesga ?

Tongs Ya Bass !!

[somtamslap]

Ahm away doon the road , fucking Khao San, they call it. an ahm aftir digs. Ahm needin em pronto an all cos this suitcase is weighing a ton an the heat a this place is seriously nipping at mah hid..combined with the fucking beer and that sweetie, 'Yabba', the boy called it an the sweat is pishin from mah brow.

Ah notices a sign..'Guest House' it says..well they lucky cunts are gonna have a guest in their fucking hoose and make no mistake aboot that..aye..
I goes in and the place is a filth pit.."nay done yer fucking spring cleaning then eh" I tells the cunts at reception.."You want room?" the burd at the desk asks..fucking learn some proper English won't yers."Aye, yes, ahm wanting a fucking room alright, why the fuck else would ah come in this fucking shite pit"..She's noat gettin at mah humour and silently hands ahs a form to fill in. By now, the sweetie that the gadge [at][at][at][at] in the pub gave ahs is kickin in a beauty and ah can barely see the fucking pen let alone write with the kunt, if yer ken. Ah tells her.."youse dae it fer ahs, aye..ah'll gie you the details yer needin"..

That wee obstacle nipped in the bud and ahm off up into mah 3rd floir room..room?.is that what yers calling it now? Looks to me like a fucking shed with a bed. Nay bother though cos ahm on my way tae being well fucking hammered and ahm staright in the bog..fuck me, it's a whole in the floir..and banging up one a they pills the radge gie ahs..

Dumps mah bag and ahm oot on the toon..aye..ets gonna be a gooden the night..

[somtamslap]

Ahm up in tae the next pub and this cockney boy's up behind the jump serving the drinks.."Allo mate, what's yer posion?"..
"Ah yis gittin wide?' ah tells ehm.."Ahm no wantin poison yer kunt ahm wantin one a they Chang, an ahm wantin it now"..
"Fackin ell, mate, 'old yer 'orses" eh goes.."It's a figure of speech innit"
The kunt reaches down into the fridge under the bar and flips the top off this wee bottle a beer..
"Ahm wantin a big one then yer kunt..dunnae try fobbing ahs off with this specky shite"
Maybe the boy thinks ahm a booftie so ah neck the wee yin and return the empty to the kunt by smashing it over his hid..that'll teach the gadge to get wide.
Ahm away from the place but ahm being followed by these nippy little radges.."Fuck you" a scrawny kunt wearin flip-flops, comes oot with.
The effect of the second sweetie that the boy Lek gie us is now well kicked in and ahm picking up the nearest chair and swedgin the fuck oot a this wee kunt whose trying to kick at ahs like a fucking donkey..ehs done, on the floor and I lay the boot on ehs nut, hard as you like and continue mah way doon the street like..

[Cujo]

Keep it coming.

[good2bhappy]

ma sell or ma sen?

[somtamslap]

Thon wee kunt with the flip-flops has only gone and got his fukcing blood on mah chinos. Ahm dressed smart as fuck as per and that [at][at][at][at]'s gone an fucked up mah appearance..ah've a mind to race back in an chib the kunt, but these wee pills that the boy Lek handed me are startin to gie ahs a happy buzz, not that ahm goin soft like cos any kunt that fucking well wants it can fucking well have it, any time, any place any fucking country...Land ah smiles they call it eh..well, I didn't see that wee gadgie smiling when ah wrapped his fucking skull with a chair..doss kunt.

Ahm fair nashin up the rode cos I wants to get these strides in a washing machine asap...ahm tellin yer now..if this blood stain does nay shift then ahm straight back in that pub to finish the gadge, and his specky wee flip flopped mates can get it an all..

Ahm no 20 metres away from the pub where the kunt served me a small bottle a beer when I catch a glimpse of some familiar radge, hiding likes, behind a fucking shot gless orf all things..

Ah steam towards em cos ahm sure its a gadge that ah owe a fukcing swedgin, but nay, eh turns oot tae be one a the junky lads who used to plague our fucking tenemants in the scheme with his skag..harmless lad..must've cleaned iself up to make ehs way across the world like that..

Ah sits doon and slaps im on the back.."get the beer in then yer kunt" ah goes..

[palexxxx]

hahaha, enjoying it.

[somtamslap]

This jakey gadge gets em im right away like..he can see ahm not fucking aboot when ah says get them in, cos the kunt kens mah coupon from back in the schemes an he kens ahm noat tae be fucked with..so the gadgie's shoutin them in, an some lassie with a skirt up tae her fanny brings oot the tray of drinks..ahm fairly well puttin them away and this kunt's drinking the local brew which looks and smells like pish..so ah says to the kunt "see you, yis've gone from junky tae jakey, an tae be quite honest with yis, ahm not sure which is the better of the pair"..

The radge is looking at ahs..shitin it..eh knows that ahm fairly fuming about the blood stain on mah chinos and ehs suspectin that eh'll bear the brunt of mah anger.."Relax" ah tells em..and slips him one a they sweeties from that Lek kunt..."Get yersell in they there bogs and smoke that yin..that'll sorts youse oot..then we'll go for a real peeve eh..."Shaunny McNulty telt ahs aboot Patpong..you game or what yer radge?"

[Khun Custard]

Nay, thats not ow ya make por-ridge young Slap-pa
Can't recall this as being one of Fat Bastards dialogs from an Austin Powers movie!!

[somtamslap]

Ahm looking at this kunt like ehs taking us for a mug.."I'm all oot a pocket" eh keeps going.."I'm skint, ah've nae got any paper"..he was a lucky [at][at][at][at] cos my bottle was gonna meet his coupon if he'd mentioned his fucking financial status again..eventually ah settles the bill, and compared to mah local boozer back hame ets cheap as fook..so my animosity towards the [at][at][at][at] lowers a wee bit like.. The radge hails a Joe Baxi but ahm no wantin to get in..seeing as the suns doon the now and the heats lolled a wee bit ahm all for gittin in one a they tuk-tuks..they with the three wheels and the noisy engines..
We gets in an ah opens the first of mah carry oots..aye..its gonna be one a they nights, ken..

[somtamslap]

Swiggin mah Chang carry oot is a wee bit on the dufficult side in this fucking vehicle, fer starters the fucking thing's too low so yer cannae get any purchase on yer swig if yer ken..secondly this kunt is driving like ehs matched mahself ale fer ale..swerving in an oot of traffic like ehs in a real hurry like..eh finally pipes up "First time Bangkok".."Aye" ah nod with a mouthful of this Chang..the kunt starts laughing like that grinnning gadge Lek back in the boozer and begins to pull a fucking wheelie in the fucking tuk tuk, ..ehs chuckling away..ah, oan the other hand am not at all impressed by this kunts behaviour, a) ah nearly choked on mah mouthful and b) ah spilt half a the fucking bottle down mah new Ralph Lauren shirt..

"CAAAAAANT"..ah roars at the fucker..

The gadge comes to a halt a some traffic lights, and ahm straight oot the fucking tuk tuk and dragging the kunt out by his throat laying the bottle followed by the nut on his flat coupon..[at][at][at][at] tries to reach fer a fucking gun..a fucking gun under his seat like, the radge kunt wants to kill ahs, so ahm straight on him, pinning em to the floor and ramming em with the nut a good 10 times.."Aye, you stupid wee kunt" ah sais..'That'll teach yers to pull a wheelie when one yer passengers is drinking a beer, will it nay?"
The radge doesn't say owt cos he's fucking well sparko..and mah companion, this jakey [at][at][at][at] is just sat in the back of the tuk tuk shatting it..looks like the radge has fucking well pished himself..smells like it an aww..but eh smelt like that before the incident..fucking jakeys..

So ahm into the tuk tuk..and the things easy to drive like.."Navigate then won't yer" ah says to the jakey in the back..eh sort of nods ehs hid to the right.."Oki doki, then yer kunt yer..and ahm speeding orf through the Bangkok traffic..

Gonna be one a them nights, if yer ken..

[boatboy]

[at][at][at][at]

?????

[somtamslap]

Part 2

Sebastian O' Hara nonchalantly wheeled his luggage through Arrivals at Bangkok's Dong Muang airport. "Peasants!", he scoffed as he was approached by 2 dozen oriental gentlemen inquiring into whether or not he would like be to chaffeured in one of their Toyota Corrolla's to his chosen destination. "I reluctantly accept your offers sirs, for I believe the walk would be too laborious for me in my current condition".

Sebastian had just disembarked from a 90 minute flight from Kuala Lumpur, the capital city of Malaysia, where he had marvelled at the Petronas Towers and photogaraphed them from every possible angle. He had sampled, during his brace of days in the capital, as much of the local cuisine as his gaunt torso would allow. He was particularly fond of the Malay/Indian dishes, his favourite being Rasam with a side order of Chipati's which he would usually wash down with a glass of fresh orange juice.
Still rather wet behind the ears at the relatively tender age of 21, Sebastian was in the orientation stage of a six month sabatical, during which he intended to travel South East Asia extensively and perhaps spend a brief period of time in Melbourne, Australia, which was essentially as far as you could get from his Parent's luxurious dwellings in Oxfordshire. His Father and Mother, a gynacologist and peadeatrition respectively, had gladly filled his pockets with platinum credit cards from all the major banks and used words which virtually spellled out "bugger off, and don't feel the need to come back".
It wasn't that Sebastian's parents weren't fond off him, but during the course of the latter part of his teens they'd grown extremely distant, both parties being at fault but his parents inparticular seemed to have very little time for anything other than their vocations.
This made Sebastian some what of a loner, he had few friends, but this was mainly due to having developed an extremely arrogant nature..one which mightn't fit in with these oriental types he was now mingling with.
Having been slightly ill the evening prior to the flight into Bangkok, Sebastian's strength was dwindling as he allowed the taxi driver to take his luggage and open the rear door for him to enter..
" The Grand Diamond" Sebastian commanded, "and driver!, make haste, I shall be shortly suffering a gargantuan bowel movement".