New Year in Isaan

[somtamslap]

New Year celebrations are oft, if not always, accompanied by two of my most prevalent pet grievances, namely; other people having fun in my presence, and the mass insurgency of the greater spotted in-law.

Now, about this irrational human condition which renders the welcoming of a new year to wipe its feet on the matt to a chaotic chorus of agonizingly loud music and an extortionate cacophony of bangs, both of which are combined with a series of ill-orchestrated whoops and whistles.
What exactly do we mean to achieve with such an arrangement?

‘We’re making merry and greeting in another year’ some may opine.

Not much of a greeting is it really, bombing the poor bastard whilst drunkenly howling at it. I’m surprised it doesn’t do a u-turn and fuck off back to where it came from. Look, someone’s ringing on the doorbell. Right, you throw a firework in his face and I’ll start screaming blue murder.

Perhaps if we were to allow the year an unhindered entry then he wouldn’t be such a sadistic twat, decade after decade. Take my method, for example – when the clock struck midnight I didn’t even know it’d happened, I simply allowed him in with the minimum fuss..make yourself at home, put the kettle on if you want, there’s biscuits in the tin..

But discourteous party revellers are, in most instances, trumped by a quite frankly disgusting bunch of creatures, known widely to the layman as ‘the in-laws’. Particularly because with them invariably come a herd of untrained baboons which they have the gumption to refer to as their offspring.

Just yesterday I happened upon one of the little shits who’d obviously been placed on ‘raid the foreigner’s fridge’ detail. Upon seeing me come through the door unexpectedly, he visibly trembled before mustering the courage to ask for a few slices of bread. Looking at his face, which suggested he’d just spent a happy half hour playing in pig manure, I reasoned that he may indeed liberate a few slices of my farmhouse loaf, but a comprehensive and rigorous hand washing should first take place.

Safe in the knowledge that the homicidal stare offered would have my orders followed, I returned to the front garden where I resumed my duty of ‘pottering around’ and after a few minutes the young man sprinted past me with a plate of toast in his hand.

Hang on…

Toast?....toast??......TOAST?!

How did that orangutan reach my fucking toaster?

I was caught in two minds as to which avenue to pursue first. On one hand, I could run after the boy, beat him up and ask questions later, or on the other I could calmly walk back to my property to inspect any damages that may have occurred.

I decided on the latter and on initial perusal things looked decidedly normal, no shattered windows or missing doors. Good lad, your face may be spared my fist yet.

However, as I cast a glance towards the bathroom door, I noticed a muddy trail of footprints which led through the living room, into the kitchen, up the kitchen cabinets, ONTO the kitchen work space and finally stopping at my toaster.

It goes without saying that he and everyone else is now BANNED. Although saying that, I might get the little fucks a box of fireworks to play with.

[Carrabow]

Quite true...

Happy New Year STS!

[Thetyim]

^^
Sounds like he has used your toaster before

[somtamslap]

Happy New Year STS!

And you, but I might make a point of losing my calender...apart from at Christmas, I do like a bit of Christmas, I must admit.

Sounds like he has used your toaster before

Yes, that occurred to me too. Which means he's had his mucky, piss drenched hands in my fridge before.

[withnallstoke]

At least the toast was made by a Thai, so there wont be any crumbs anywhere.

[somtamslap]

so there wont be any crumbs anywhere.

I'm surprised the little toast thief used a plate.

He also came in from playing the playstation round at Granny's gaff, took a massive dump which stuck the house out, and buggered off back.

Bannished, never to grace this house again.

[Marmite the Dog]

I had to 'party' with the FIL's family yesterday.

It was all going quite well at first. None of them had enough brainpower to get the karaoke system working, so I was very happy. They were all too scared to talk to the farang, except for one of the wives who obviously knew I was going to be there as she was dolled up to the nines, and was making cooing noises and telling anyone who would listen how law I was. I wasn't looking forward to being pounced on when making a visit to the loo later on.

And then, by chance, it started working. The sweet sounds of Morlam at 160dB after passing through a fuzz-box quickly made my ears start to bleed, so I went and sat on my own at the front of the house. Offers of a sabaii, sabaii wooden sofa and a straw mat arrived, but the ceramic tiles seemed the most comfy option.

Grandma grunted at them to turn it down, but it was not so politely suggested that she come and sit with me. Visions of Slap's granny popped into my head, but thankfully, she stayed next to her betel nut bok-bok and semi-oblivion.

Soon, the numbskulls were shamed into turning the volume down until the fuzz cleared and it actually began to sound like music. The volume control crackled and complained as I don't think it had ever left the 'full' position before.

I wandered back and was soon approached by one of the chaps there to chon gaew. I duly chonned and then another one had a similar idea. Unfortunately for him, he was making a major faux par as he had a half full geaw and was duly rebuked by myself, much to the delight of his compadres.

In the end we had some laughs, much more chon gaewing, a few challenges to drain ones drink (I was only beaten once by one of the 'agricultural' looking wives) and what I thought was going to be 8 hours of hell ended up being a very pleasant time.

Cheers to the farmers of Isaan

[somtamslap]

^ I'm not expected to go to such gatherings anymore. They'll be a massive party taking place just a few doors down and I'll be alone on the balcony watching the telly and generally enjoying myself.

[Marmite the Dog]

I'm not expected to go to such gatherings anymore.

I honestly thought it was going to be shit, but everyone there was family and they are all decent, hard working people. There was one guy who wandered in off the street who started talking to me in a drunken slur. It was OK until he started mumbling about money, at which point Por ushered him back into the street.

[nigelandjan]

On the bright side Somtum being a Thai he would have used little or no electric to er "warm "the bread up

[somtamslap]

It was OK until he started mumbling about money

there's always the token scrounger or five, to whom I usually respond to with a large shot of LK followed by offering them a hand rolled cigarette..they soon get the message and salivate elsewhere.

[somtamslap]

being a Thai he would have used little or no electric to er "warm "the bread up

Bread of sny description is wasted on these folk. They have adopted the bizarre notion that each slice should be caked in that horrible condensed milk. Filthy Heathens!

[alwarner]

I've noticed them doing that recently. My grand parents would have approved.

[sabaii sabaii]

Have you seen the Thais dipping doughnuts in their coffee ?

I saw this Thai guy the other week on the plane, not knowing what to do with a fairy cake.

Yep, in the corner of my eye I saw him dunk it in his coffee

[somtamslap]

Have you seen the Thais dipping doughnuts in their coffee ?

They used sticky rice to dunk in their Ka-fair round here, sounds orrible, looks orrible, is orrible.

[hazz]

dipping doughnuts in their coffee

The horror.........

I wonder if he would mix sugar and soda with his wine?

[Bangyai]

Have you seen the Thais dipping doughnuts in their coffee ?

I do dat !

Well.....I figured that if the Frogs dunk croissants in their coffee , what the hell ,
I might be missing out on something.

[Khun Custard]

Once or twice a year I quite enjoy the gathering of the tribe(s).

The premise has been for many years; I do not speak Thai, they do not speak English, I provide copious quantities of scotch, they provide the food which is always excellent and everything works out just fine.
I drink enough scotch to get a decent nights sleep on what would otherwise be plank with a dooner (usually bright pink featuring Doramon or Sleeping Beauty) on it

This year's round was quite different with the daughter now being old enough to play with her cousins, all 15 of them, happy times for all.

[nigelandjan]

Yep, in the corner of my eye I saw him dunk it in his coffee

If he'd been 100% Thai he'd ave dunked it in yours

[klong toey]

Have you seen the Thais dipping doughnuts in their coffee ?

I saw this Thai guy the other week on the plane, not knowing what to do with a fairy cake.

Yep, in the corner of my eye I saw him dunk it in his coffee

Mrs KT dunks bread in her ovaltine,not that you can call that farmhouse bread in 7/11 bread especially the loaf in the red bags.
If she goes near my bread she gets a smacked bottom.

[Marmite the Dog]

The Midget sometimes gives her sister a loaf of bread and the kids have condensed milk on it, just like I used to when I was a kid. I don't think their local store sells cheese and sweet pickle.

[somtamslap]

These people need to be introduced to vinegar sandwiches - for more productive use of the sacred grain. Smearing it in sugar as nothing short of vandalism.

[nigelandjan]

I'll bring you a jar of Marmite out in March mate, that'll keep the buggers off your bread ! I'll never forget the look on my little nephews face as he tried to copy his foreign Uncle eating his breakfast , nice bit of Marmer's on his toast ( well I wanted him to taste it )

[somtamslap]

I'll bring you a jar of Marmite out in March mate

I've made a note of that Nigel, and some piccarlily would be nice too. Oh, and a juicy ripe chunk of stilton, and some bacon fries (6 pack would be preferable), and a string of pork and leek sauasages, not forgetting a large box of paxo stuffing and a couple of lamb legs, and how about a 3 litre bottle of Old English cider and a six pack of Kronenberg.

That's my preliminary order.

Get yerself down Waitrose, Nige.

[Marmite the Dog]

I'll bring you a jar of Marmite out in March mate

I've made a note of that Nigel, and some piccarlily would be nice too. Oh, and a juicy ripe chunk of stilton, and some bacon fries (6 pack would be preferable), and a string of pork and leek sauasages, not forgetting a large box of paxo stuffing and a couple of lamb legs, and how about a 3 litre bottle of Old English cider and a six pack of Kronenberg.

That's my preliminary order.

Get yerself down Waitrose, Nige.

Much of that is available in Thailand already.