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Thread: Tuesday Pun

  1. #101
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  2. #102
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  3. #103
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    A man from London who had played cricket all his life emigrated to America. He married an American woman and together they had a wonderful little family, a boy and a girl. He really wanted to become immersed in the American culture, and because cricket is not unlike baseball, he tried out for a local baseball team. They couldn’t use him, but they invited him to officiate their games. And of course, he accepted.

    When his children were toddlers they would often sit on his lap to hear bedtime stories. But, as they grew older, only his little girl liked to do that. He was confused and asked the advice of his wife.

    She replied, “As someone from Old Blighty, certainly you should know

    “The son never sits on the British Umpire!”
    "School teachers, taking them by and large, are probably the most ignorant and stupid class of men in the whole group of mental workers. " - H.L.Mencken

  4. #104
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    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

    Wonder no more ! ! !

    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

    “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
    “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

  5. #105
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    ^Heh...Gave me a chuckle, Booners...

  6. #106
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    Mr. Snail entered many races but was always soundly defeated. Finally he told his friends he was buying a Porsche so he could complete with a chance to win races. When the car arrived, he had a very fancy crest that featured a stylistic “S” in the center painted on the doors, trunk, and hood. His friends told him that you don’t ruin the design of a car like a Porsche by painting designs on it. Snail replied that he wanted everyone to know who he was when he raced. In his first race he took off in blazing speed, and his friends exclaimed,

    “Wow, look at that S car go !!”

  7. #107
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    nice ones.

  8. #108
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  9. #109
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    ^^^^ Love it!!!

  10. #110
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    Sign on the back of a bus carrying a group of itinerant homosexual Thespians :

    "All the world is our stage and we are butt players"

  11. #111
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    Always remember: No matter how far you push the envelope it is still stationery.

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  14. #114
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    Mama Vulture had a problem. Her beloved chick was constantly breaking her heart; getting into trouble. He would stray from the nest, fall in with a bad crowd of other avian ne’er-do-wells, and frequently need to be rescued by his mother, sometimes at great risk to herself. Her only pleasure in life was gathering food to nourish him. He was defiant and unappreciative of her efforts, often squawking and demanding, “Hey, you old buzzard! I’m starving! What’s for supper?” To which she would dutifully reply…

    “Carrion, my wayward son.”

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  16. #116
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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

    After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and announced: “Who owns the big white horse outside?”

    The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said: “I do, partner….why?”

    The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said: “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead!!”

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got his horse water and soon Silver started to feel a little better.

    The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said: “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”

    Tonto replied: “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver.

    Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his beer.

    A few minutes later, another cowboy strolled into the bar and asked: “Who owns that big white horse outside?”

    The Lone Ranger stood up again, and claimed: “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”

    “Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!!”

  17. #117
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    In Pompeii, in 237 B.C., Flavius Romulus produced in his garden, a strawberry of prodigious proportions. Word soon got out that there was a strawberry well worth seeing at a house in the Via Ladra. Flavius carefully placed the berry on an ornate marble pedestal in the center of his courtyard. Crowds thronged to the house and each passerby tried to outdo his predecessor in lavish praise of the berry.

    Neighbors, some very well connected, quickly tired of the chariots, the horse droppings, all the noise and commotion and they complained to the authorities.
    Soon, a Centurion and his squad barged in, and set up a perimeter around the pedestal.

    When Flavius asked the Centurion, “Did you men also come to praise my berry?” the Centurion replied,

    “Sir, we came not to praise your berry, but to seize it.”

  18. #118
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    A man took a job in the city. Each day, he faced a long commute that included a congested tunnel. So, he started a carpool. Things went well initially. But after a few weeks, he started experiencing wrist pain. This only happened in the tunnel. He went to his doctor. The doctor diagnosed the problem as

    carpool tunnel syndrome.

  19. #119
    or TizYou?
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    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

    As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade

    Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

    He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both..
    What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything....

    He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

    He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

    As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

    By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

    The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

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  23. #123
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  24. #124
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  25. #125
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    It is a total wonder that you have not POPPED, your jokes are so corny and I know you go out in the sun some times.

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