2011 Football Scouting Report

It has finally arrived...the 2011 football scouting report. The following is currently making the rounds of Division 1 football coaches:Wayfron P. Jackson:
6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.

Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name. Signed with Tennessee .Quinticious Jenkins:6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C.

Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm. Signed with South Carolina.Nissana Sentra Dansell:6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler, Texas . Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well.

Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick." Signed with LSU .

Woodrow Lee Washington:6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children.

Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because, "The dude say sumpin' bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20/20. Signed with the University of Oklahoma .

Willie "Night Train" Smith:
6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old.

Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's. Signed with the University of Alabama .

Tyrone "Python" Peoples:6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges.

Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges, but was also willing to sign with us. Likes wild women and red Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company. Signed with University of Miami .

Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali:6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Coupe Deville Jones until he discovered religion.

Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville . Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
Signed with the University of Florida .

Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.