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dirtydog

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his
mother what he wanted:


"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."


Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home.


Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his
birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.


Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why
he deserved a bike for his birthday.


Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a
letter.


LETTER 1:


Dear God,


I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.


Your friend, Barry.


Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so
he tore up he letter and started over.


LETTER 2:


Dear God,


This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.


Thank you,


Barry.


Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.


LETTER 3:


Dear God,


I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my
birthday.


Your friend,


Barry.


Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very
upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.


Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad."
Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.


Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked
around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin
Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into his house, and up to his room.


He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.


Barry began to write his letter to God.


LETTER 4:


I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.


IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!

__________________

dirtydog

FIRST SWEARS

A seven year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the seven year old, "I think it's about time
We
Started swearing."

The four year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then
You swear after me, ok?"

"OK" the four year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven year old what
He
Wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops."

WHACK!!

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
And ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice,

"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."

dirtydog

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is
to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom
Cruise?" "No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on
in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just
lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss
quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to
Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his
boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee
first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave,
who again implores him to name anyone else. "The pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a
long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in
Vatican Square when Dave says,
"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.
Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll
come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough,
half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the
time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came
out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f*#k's that on the
balcony with Dave?

dirtydog

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each
outfit." We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her!