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Thread: Quick Jokes

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    Quick Jokes

    Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy

    Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
    A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face

    Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.

    Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
    A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog



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    The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They asked "Is this your wife, sir?"
    Shocked I answered, "Yes, that's her."
    They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident."
    I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality..."

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    A black bloke walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
    -'Where'd you get that thing from then?'
    asks the barman'
    -'Oh, you can find them all over the jungle'
    answers the parrot

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    What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist? 2:30.

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    A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.

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    What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
    Your wife will always blow your bonus!


    Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
    A: None. (It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.)

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    Quote Originally Posted by bobo746 View Post
    A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.

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    A Scouser went to a prostitute.
    She said, ‘Do you want a blow job?’
    He repiled,
    ‘Will it affect me
    dole money?’

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    A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
    "Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"



    What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
    A quarter pounder with cheese!


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    Why did princess di cross the road

    Because she wasn't wearing a seat belt.

    Q. What's pink and fluffy
    A. Pink fluff

    f I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
    2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

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    My neighbors, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.


    I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:
    "I wanna watch !"

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    A lesbian went to weight watchers.
    The organiser said "Remember, you are what you eat"
    Lesbian said "You calling me a cnut?"

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    Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids.
    He said
    ‘For the last
    time, I haven’t got your football.’

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    Yorkshire Jokes

    Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

    Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
    Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
    Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."


    ***

    A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
    Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
    Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
    Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

    ***
    A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
    He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
    When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".
    He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
    The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
    Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
    The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".


    ***


    Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
    Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

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    Two drunks in a pub, one says to the other '' I've shagged your mother, put my willy down her throat and even buggered her''

    Other guy says '' i think you've had enough to drink now dad''

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    How do you tell the clam of a Scotsman?

    Lift up his kilt.
    If he's got a couple of quarter pounders down there then he's a McDonald.

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    Contrary to popular belief the microwave oven was first developed by the Nazis in WW2.

    The prototype was and 8 seater.

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    Quick joke.
    Thai visa.

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    A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

    She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

    After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

    To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

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    A man goes down on a woman and says, jesus, that stinks!!

    The woman says '' It's my arthritis''

    The man replies '' What, in your fanny?''

    She says '' No, in my shoulder, i can't wipe my ass''

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    A blonde phones the Fire brigade and says her house in on fire.

    The fireman says '' How do we get there?''

    Blonde replies ''HELLOOOO, in your Big Red Truck, stupid!!''

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    A tramp walks into a jewellers shop and starts pushing his finger up his ass.

    The jeweller screams ''Get Out''

    The tramp points to a sign in the window which says ''Come in and pick your ring in comfort''
    Last edited by Mr Lick; 19-09-2010 at 09:54 PM.

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    A lesbian goes to the doctors and the doctor says ''That's the cleanest vagina i've ever seen''

    ''Thank you'', says the lesbian, ''i have a woman in twice a week''

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    Q. Why do women have orgasms?


    A. So that they can moan even when they are enjoying themselves

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    A recent survey asked 1000 men what they enjoyed most about a blow job.


    99.9% said, '' The 10 minutes of silence''

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