Thread: Quick Jokes

Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids

A bus load of Thais on a mystery tour, decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.
The driver won 5000 baht!

555. That is an old coach drivers joke. My father used to occasionally take the WI out on mystery tours. Better than school or factory runs.

My girlfriend left me because "everything I say is irrelevant".
That's easy for her to say when her brothers girlfriend has just bought a new coffee table.

If asked in a job interview to describe yourself in three words, try "violent when disappointed"

A man goes into a bakery in Glasgow and points at an item of confectionary.
He says, "Is that a cake or a meringue?"
The Glaswegian behind the counter says, "Nae, you're right, it's a cake."

Whilst at the zoo, I noticed one cage that had only a mould-covered bap in it.

I asked the zookeeper what it was, and he said "Ah, that was bread in captivity".

I work all year round so I can buy nice presents for the kids, and what happens? The fat fucker with the hairy chin gets all the credit.

I suppose it's my fault for marrying her.

I joined this support group for people addicted to sexual innuendo. But I found it really hard.

My weakness in knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

Damn Amazon and their Black Friday sale! I ordered four Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.

Scientists have grown vocal cords from stem cells in the lab. The results speak for themselves.​

I saw Lionel Messi in a nightclub. He went up to this woman and said "Get your coat love, you've pulled".

I thought "wow, you're a little forward".

I lost the pub quiz by a point last night. The deciding question was "Where do women have the curliest hair".

Apparently the answer is "Fiji"!

Today is the anniversary of the death of the actor Leslie Nielson, who died in a hospital in Florida








It's a big building with doctors and patients, but that's not important right now......

Shirley you've got that wrong!

I called a child abuse hotline earlier today ,A kid answered called me a cvnt and then told me to fvck off !

555!!!!!!

Asked if I could cum on her tits for a thousand, she said yes so I asked if I could come over just one for 500.

A policeman knocked on my door, showed me a photo and said "Is this your wife, sir?".

"Why yes it is", I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus, sir", he said.

"I know officer", I replied, "but she's great with the kids".

^ Took me a few seconds.

I've been invited to attend an autopsy. Not sure if I'll go. Remains to be seen.

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun, A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor, " the good news is you're gonna be ok, the bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so i'm gonna have to refer you to my sister, " is she a plastic surgeon?" "no, says the doctor, " she's a flute player, she'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!"

^ thought it was going to be a variation on;
WW2 hospital and Patton was touring encouraging the wounded. He came to a bed and asked the soldier what was wrong with the sleeping patient in the next bed.
"He got shot in the ass, Sir" said the soldier.
"Don't say "ass", say "rectum", soldier".
"Wrecked him? Bloody near killed him, Sir."