Thread: Quick Jokes

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to "Dick".
Maybe because his name is Steve?

An older golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard; his club fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension....
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "No.
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the golfer. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man, not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Kate Upton."
And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

Browsing through eBay and I saw someone had listed a bottle of Chinese Tippex.

The seller reckons its a corrector's item.

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

Bugger off ye'll no bring it back.

That joke has been posted on THIS thread so MANY DAMN TIMES.

^ I don't get that one. What am I missing?
Birding's joke was OK, but yours.....perhaps I'm a bit dense.

(This post is not a joke)

You must be DENSE but let me EXPLAIN it to you. The SAME JOKE has been posted on this thread a few times already. Gets to be boring after awhile.

Yes. I must be dense. I didn't get that and thought you were posting a joke that I didn't get.
Silly me.



Unless that ^ was another joke I didn't get?


Or...did you not get that I did get that it was not a joke and felt that you had to explain it so that I got what you meant?
Thanks for that. I get it now.

Originally Posted by Eliminator

That joke has been posted on THIS thread so MANY DAMN TIMES.

My humblest apologies for not going back 180 pages and checking, I can assure you it is the first time I have posted it.

Now back to short jokes, or truths in this case.


You dont appreciate what you have till its gone.

Toilet paper is a good example

"Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States' airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't, but you know what a liar he is."

^
If only.

A stewardess goes to the flight deck and says "Captain, I believe we have a human trafficker on board. There is a pretty, younger lady back there next to this ugly, horrible, fat, old, slobbering sexual deviant!".

The captain says "You're new here, aren't you? This is Air Force One".

Why is only the mods in control here? Give the rockers a chance!

Originally Posted by Eliminator

Originally Posted by birding

You dont appreciate what you have till its gone. Toilet paper is a good example

Oh so funny, that IS so funny.

What's the difference between a New whore and an Old whore.?


I New whore will use KY gelly and an Old one will use Polly Grip.




For all you pommies, Poly grip is a DENTURE adhesive.

I might have POSTED this JOKE before but I'm an OLDER guy and can't remember IF I did or didn't and I don't care even if I did.


Have fun, It's all about the fun anyway.

Unfortunately these are three things that fade in old age:


1. Your memory.
2. Your looks.
3. Your memory.

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

1. Your memory. 2. Your looks. 3. Your memory.

I see you know this too.





I'm sure I greened you not too long ago or that is kinda what it said when I just tried to give you one.

Sad news today. The chap who invented predictive text has pissed away...his funfair is next monkey.

Have you heard about the sex position called the "FedEx"?

You stay in all day, but nobody comes.

The Fringe top jokes:

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change." - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book." - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, five and six. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me, dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

^ so where is that COPIED from?

^ The Fringe, I'd guess.

Originally Posted by Eliminator

^ so where is that COPIED from?

Presumably the people that fucking told them, you twerp.

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Originally Posted by Eliminator

^ so where is that COPIED from?

Presumably the people that fucking told them, you twerp.

I was wondering where the OP copied it from you TWIT. Obvious it's quotes from other people.

Originally Posted by Eliminator

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Originally Posted by Eliminator

^ so where is that COPIED from?

Presumably the people that fucking told them, you twerp.

I was wondering where the OP copied it from you TWIT. Obvious it's quotes from other people.

It's a press release FFS, you'll find it all over the place.

Why are you even asking?

Because I knew he didn't find all those quotes on his own. I'm pretty sure it came from TV where it was originally posted or at least I think I saw it there first.


I don't care either way, why do you?