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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #1326
    I am not a cat
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    I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online.

    My boss was furious.

  2. #1327
    Thailand Expat armstrong's Avatar
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    i think we subscribe to the same twitter..

  3. #1328
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    Quote Originally Posted by armstrong View Post
    i think we subscribe to the same twitter..

    Sorry mate, I would not know how to subscribe to twitter if my life depended on it...















    I do know the URL for sickipedia though....LOL.

  4. #1329
    or TizYou?
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    Many years ago on a long transatlantic flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.
    When she got up there, she found four crewmen.
    She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.
    She turned to next one and asked what he did.
    He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.
    She turned to the next one and asked what he did.
    He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew.
    She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"
    He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."
    Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
    "Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me."

  5. #1330
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    A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says,"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes.


    "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward, but you will also, as part of your job description, have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a strong sex drive."


    The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!"


    The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it."

  6. #1331
    Knows fok all
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    After the horsemeat scare an old lady has called Tesco customer services complaining her risotto has gorilla in it.
    The matter was quickly resolved however when the assistant explained that the photo on the box was Ainsley Harriot.

  7. #1332
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    Sausages

    RACISM?

    Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

    A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

    The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

    The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

    Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

    Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

    The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

    The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

    The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

  8. #1333
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    ^^ sorry - too crass. Like this one better:


  9. #1334
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    It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and James had a date with Annabella.

    He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

    'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James.

    'Have a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'

    'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.


    'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked interestedly.

    'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'

    'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

    'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least. 'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

    'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.

    ' Oh yes,' she said.

    'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

    'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

    A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted James.

    'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

    Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

    'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

    'The bloody dance is called the ....Twist!'

  10. #1335
    Thailand Expat Boon Mee's Avatar
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    An elderly married couple were at home watching TV.

    The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and a porn channel.

    The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it here. You already know how to fish!"
    A Deplorable Bitter Clinger

  11. #1336
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    The son of an illegal immigrant asks his dad, "Dad,
    what's democracy?"

    "Well, son, that's when the British work and we
    get all the benefits from it!"

    "But Dad, aren't the British people unhappy
    about that?"

    "Sure they are son, but that's called 'racism’."

  12. #1337
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    A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
    While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
    The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open,
    and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
    The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
    'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
    Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
    Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts;
    they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
    I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

    Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.'

  13. #1338
    Thailand Expat Boon Mee's Avatar
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    Confessions of a hooker

    A couple were lying in bed together on the
    morning of their tenth wedding anniversary
    when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is
    such a special occasion, I think that it is time I
    made a confession: Before we were married
    I was a hooker for eight years.'

    The husband ponders for a moment and then
    looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love,
    you have been a perfect wife for ten years!
    I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you
    could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice
    up our sex life a bit?'

    She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name
    was Brian and I played rugby for Wales .
    .

  14. #1339
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    Paddy

    Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
    Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
    ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
    Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
    Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ...'
    Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
    Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
    Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
    More heavy breathing and another minute later.
    Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
    This goes on for another few minutes until....
    Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
    Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
    dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

  15. #1340
    or TizYou?
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    "That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight losing my religion" ...
    Pope at karaoke last night.

  16. #1341
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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    A bloke rang the Fosters Helpline with a problem.
    "G'day mate, Fosters Helpline. What's the problem mate?"
    "I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her bits by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up."
    "Bummer, dude."
    "Good advice, bye."

    -----------

    Snow the only thing that settles in the UK that doesn't claim benefits.
    Better to think inside the pub, than outside the box?
    I apologize if any offence was caused. unless it was intended.
    You people, you think I know feck nothing; I tell you: I know feck all
    Those who cannot change their mind, cannot change anything.

  17. #1342
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    Russell, the Ossie poofta, goes into the doctor's officeand has some tests run.

    The doctor comes back and says, 'Russell, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'

    Russell is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'

    'Eat 1 curry sausage,
    1 head of Cabbage,
    20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
    10 Jalapeno Peppers,
    40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
    1/2 box Of All Bran,
    And top it off with a litre of prune juice..'

    Russell asks bewildered, 'Will that cure me, Doc?'

    Doc says 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ARSE is for.'

  18. #1343
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    In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

    One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

    "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

    'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

    "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say..

    The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

    "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

    "All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

    "No, on the contrary..."

    "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

    The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

    Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

    "No, not really."

    "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

    The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


    It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

  19. #1344
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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    My Doctor told me I should watch what I eat.

    So I've booked tickets for the Grand National in April.

  20. #1345
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    LATEST: Oscar Pistorius has told police he has no idea how his girlfriend was shot, says he's stumped. He came home legless and found the body. Legal experts say he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

  21. #1346
    I am not a cat
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    ‎Hope you had a better Valentines Day than me....

    Booked a table for two, but turns out she hates snooker.......

  22. #1347
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    What's blue and full of Haribos?

    Kevin Webster's overalls.

  23. #1348
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    Fuuuuuck Dave!

  24. #1349
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    - Wife's Diary:
    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
    I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
    Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

    I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..'
    I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
    On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

    When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
    He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
    He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





    Husband's Diary:

    A two-foot putt.....who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?

  25. #1350
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    Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road Show.

    "Ooh" said the presenter. This is a very rare set, produced by the John's Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?

    "Sticks?" Paddy replied.

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