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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #2351
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Koojo View Post
    ^ Groan.
    ( oh, and this thread is 'quick jokes' now I'm going to have to red snakeeyes)
    She uses red eye reduction.

  2. #2352
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    Quote Originally Posted by VocalNeal View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Koojo View Post
    ^ Groan.
    ( oh, and this thread is 'quick jokes' now I'm going to have to red snakeeyes)
    She uses red eye reduction.
    Judging by the histrionics it doesn't work.

  3. #2353
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    After

    Monday

    and

    Tuesday

    even

    my

    calendar

    says

    W -T- F !

  4. #2354
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    I wonder what Black Friday was like in Ferguson. Anyone spot the difference?

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    Price of Gas in France



    A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.



    After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and
    made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks
    away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind
    such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,
    'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'


    I had no Monet


    To buy Degas


    To make the Van Gogh.


    See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.


    I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.



    I'll just get me coat!

  6. #2356
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    Brilliant!

  7. #2357
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    PDG Charleyboy.... can't green at the moment, have to find some other victim first !

  8. #2358
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    Abdul walks into the bedroom with a goat on a leash and says,...

    “Honey, this is the cow that I sleep with when you have a headache”
    The wife lying in bed, looks up and says,
    “If you weren’t such an in-bred moron, you’d know it’s a goat, not a cow.
    ” Abdul replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the goat!”

  9. #2359
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    Quote Originally Posted by nora tittoff View Post
    Abdul walks into the bedroom with a goat on a leash and says,...

    “Honey, this is the cow that I sleep with when you have a headache”
    The wife lying in bed, looks up and says,
    “If you weren’t such an in-bred moron, you’d know it’s a goat, not a cow.
    ” Abdul replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the goat!”
    That's not old....it WAS old........

  10. #2360
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    ^But it was fairly quick...

  11. #2361
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    ^ now that's funny...

  12. #2362
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    Top tip...


    Reduce the risk of night time fire by soaking all your furniture with a hosepipe before you go to bed!

  13. #2363
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    I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighborhood. So, I tore out my alarm system and cancelled my membership of our local Neighborhood Watch.

    I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its center.

    Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.

    My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

    I've never felt safer.

    All Thanks to Allah.

  14. #2364
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy View Post
    Top tip...


    Reduce the risk of night time fire by soaking all your furniture with a hosepipe before you go to bed!
    During a particularly rough day at sea one of the female passengers noted that the table cloths at dinner were wet. No one at her table knew why, so she asked the steward. He told he that that they wet the table cloths to prevent the plates falling off the table in rough weather.

    To which she replied "That's I good idea perhaps I should wet my bed tonight to stop me falling out"
    Better to think inside the pub, than outside the box?
    I apologize if any offence was caused. unless it was intended.
    You people, you think I know feck nothing; I tell you: I know feck all
    Those who cannot change their mind, cannot change anything.

  15. #2365
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    Quote Originally Posted by BaitongBoy View Post
    ^But it was fairly quick...
    We should be thankful for small mercies I suppose.

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    So... do you have any jokes Koojo..?

  17. #2367
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    ^Probably the shaggy dog variety...



    A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's cross-eyed,
    is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's
    have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at
    its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put
    him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because
    he's heavy," said the vet.

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    Out to lunch one day, a couple immigrants were having a fine time
    until Hymie began to gag. "I---I think I svallowed a bone," Hymie
    gasped. "Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?" "No, dammit, I'm
    serious!"

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    I walked past the greengrocers the other day and there was a sign

    'Cucumbers, loose, 75p'

    I thought I'll get one for the Mrs as that's her size.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Neo View Post
    So... do you have any jokes Koojo..?
    Neo goes to the doctor with a carrot up his arse, and a parsnip in his ear,
    the doc said, “clearly you’re not eating properly.”

  23. #2373
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neo View Post
    So... do you have any jokes Koojo..?
    Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face,
    no one cares about your workout.

  24. #2374
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neo View Post
    So... do you have any jokes Koojo..?
    Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together,
    but only one of them knows.

  25. #2375
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    First one was quite good... nice effort

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