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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #76
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    A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it and saves its life.

    'Are you a vet' asked the woman.

    'Vet?' said the German 'Im f…ing soaked!'

  2. #77
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    Paddy and Mick are waiting at a bus stop when a lorry containing rolls of turf passes by.

    Mick says ''Dats what i'm a goin do when i win de lottery''

    Paddy says ''Whats dat Mick?''

    Mick replies '' Have me lawn sent away to be cut''

  3. #78
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    What do Essex girls use for sexual protection?......


    A bus shelter.

  4. #79
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    Condom

    in 1872 the welsh invented the worlds first condom using a sheep bladder.

    However in 1873 the English refined the idea some what by taking the bladder out of the sheep first

  5. #80
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    'What’s the difference between babies and getting senile?’. 'Only that you have to shave.’

  6. #81
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    Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

    Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

    Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

    One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

  7. #82
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    Why do women fake orgasms?


    Because they think we care

  8. #83
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    I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I shagged a woman called Penny! Spooky or what.....!

  9. #84
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    3 blonde girls were walking in some fields and came across some tracks.

    "They're deer tracks" Said the first.
    "No, badger tracks" Said the second
    "No, fox tracks I think" Said the 3rd

    They were still stood there arguing when the train hit them.

  10. #85
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    I think these are both classics from the Cornish comedian - Jethro

    I have had two unhappy marriages
    My first wife died
    And the present one won't.

    We were poor when I was a child
    Do you remember those 'Stick On Sole' things
    They were never as good as proper shoes


  11. #86
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    During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
    "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
    "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."








    "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
    a bed near the window?"

  12. #87
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    Re the name of the band 10cc . . . . . ..
    At a pub quiz a few years ago the question was. . . . ..

    What well known pop group took their name from the quantity of Male sperm normally ejaculated ?

    Correct Answer - 10cc
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    Best wrong answer ?
    TAKE THAT

  13. #88
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    I feel stupid. I lost the pub trivia on the last question last night.
    The question was, "Where do woman have the curliest hair"?
    Apparently, the answer is Fiji.
    .................................................. .................................................. .........
    I thought it was Honolulu

  14. #89
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    Dyslexic man walks into a bra........

  15. #90
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    2 fish in a tank, One turns to the other and says,

    "How the fuck do ya start this thing?"

  16. #91
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    Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

    One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

    The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

    The groom broom was handsome and suave in his morning suit and top hat.

    The wedding was lovely.

    After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

    'IMPOSSIBLE!' said the groom broom.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'






    Personally I think she must have been sweeping around.
    . . .
    .
    .
    .
    .sorry

  17. #92
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    ^ wtf

  18. #93
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    Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
    one of them would have seen it
    .................................................. .................................................. ...........

    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
    The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
    .................................................. .................................................. ...........

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
    couldn't find any.

  19. #94
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    went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
    couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
    are too high."
    .................................................. .................................................. ..........
    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
    in.
    .................................................. .................................................. ..........

    I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

  20. #95
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    A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
    "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
    can't, I've cut your arms off".
    .................................................. .................................................. .......

    Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
    acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
    the other one off.
    .................................................. .................................................. .......
    Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
    small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
    and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
    number to climb as digging continues into the night.

  21. #96
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    The Chilean


    I asked my missus if we could try the Chilean Miner thing the
    other night. She asked if it was the one where she goes deep down
    on my shaft and stays there until she needs to come up for air?


    I told her no, its the one where she f--s off and I don't see
    her for 4 months.

  22. #97
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    Two gay men decide to have a baby.
    They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
    When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
    A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
    Nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
    'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other.
    'All these unhappy babies, and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!'
    The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!'

  23. #98
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    There are some real groaners in this thread, lads.

  24. #99
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    A woman buys a wall mirror from Bunnings. The Manager asks 'would you like a
    screw for that mirror?'. "No," she said 'but I'll suck your c*ck for a lawn
    mower'.

    Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next
    tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open,
    it's not necessarily an invitation to casual s*x...........Wish me luck in court
    next Monday.

    A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said 'Sorry about
    the wait'. I replied 'Don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventual


    Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce. 'Tell me
    something both of you have in common'. Husband after a long awkward silence 'Well
    neither of us sucks c*ck'.



    Snow! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to
    myself 'She'll be f*cking lucky with a face like that!'


    Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But
    since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a
    treat!



    The local mosque is having a bonfire tonight but keep it a secret .... they
    don't know about it yet!



    My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and
    a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while
    having a wank.


    SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS: It has been announced that next year's shirt
    sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax. A spokesman for
    Tampax said "To sponsor a c*nt going through a bad period is exactly what
    our company is all about."

    When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it
    would offend my Muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I painted 'Allah
    is a c*nt' on my garage door.

    5000 men surveyed were asked why they like bl*wjobs: 1% liked the warmth 2%
    liked the sensation 3% liked the eroticism & 94% just
    liked the peace and quiet
    "In my professional assessment as an intelligence officer, Trump has a reflexive, defensive, monumentally narcissistic personality, for whom the facts and national interest are irrelevant, and the only thing that counts is whatever gives personal advantage and directs attention to himself."

  25. #100
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    When are you coming to Pattaya, and for how long?

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