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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #4601
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    Never underestimate the power of punctuation. For example...
    There's a maypole dancer!
    Theresa May; pole dancer.

  2. #4602
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    ^ And don't forget to help your uncle jack off his horse!


    Sorry, "Jack", not jack.

  3. #4603
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    A point to ponder.

    Maybe plants are farming us, providing oxygen until we die then fertilise the ground for them to grow and flourish?

  4. #4604
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    Woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist where the vibrators are. The pharmacist motions with his finger and says, "Come this way". The woman says, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator."

  5. #4605
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    The other day my wife opened the front door in her nightie,
    I thought "That's a funny place to have a door"

  6. #4606
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    Supermarket. Drunk guy standing in line behind a woman at the check-out. She's buying a small bottle of milk, half a dozen eggs and a loaf of bread. He says to her, "You must be single."
    The women looks at her purchases and says, "How can you tell?"
    "'Coz you're ugly as fuck".

  7. #4607
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    I went to Boots the other day and said "Have you got any Benylin?".

    The assistant replied "For Cough?".

    I said "Alright mate, I only asked!".

  8. #4608
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    Our dog ran away last night and after 30 minutes I still couldn't find it. When I told my wife, she said I should look harder.

    So, I shaved my head, got some tattoos and piercings, but still can't find it.

  9. #4609
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    555 love it

  10. #4610
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    Two retired gents at the bar, discussing nothing in particular. One says to the other, " I was watching telly the other day, did you know that lions have sex three times a day!"
    All of a sudden his pal starts crying into his beer.
    "What on earth is the matter?"
    ".....oh it's nothing, it's just the other day I joined Rotary.."

  11. #4611
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    Yulia Skripal was discharged from hospital the other day so I invited her out for a drink to help her take her mind off her ordeal, but unfortunately she stormed out after five minutes.


    Maybe "whats your poison" wasn't the best opening line!

  12. #4612
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    Which makes you a getting on her nerve agent?

  13. #4613
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    Edgar drank his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!”
    And with that Edgar took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
    In bed later that night, Edgar told his wife Naomi; ”I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
    Naomi said: “Yes, Edgar, what was your toast?”
    So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife.”
    Naomi said; “Oh honey, that’s very nice.”
    The next day, Naomi ran into one of Edgar’s drinking partners in the street.
    Mischievously, Edgar's friend said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Naomi?”
    She replied: “Yep, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

  14. #4614
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    Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

  15. #4615
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    What was the Russian poker player's name? Nikolai Putin

  16. #4616
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    The Pope has announced that he will not pass judgement on priests who come out as gay.

    In response, gay priests have said that they will not criticise the Pope for wearing mismatched robes and shoes.

  17. #4617
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    There was a kidnapping at the school yesterday.

    So the teacher woke him up.

  18. #4618
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    Before I got married, I didn't know there was a right way and a wrong way to put milk in the fridge!!!

    Before we went for a night out, the babysitter said, Take your time.
    That was 5 years ago. Hope she enjoys being a parent!

  19. #4619
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    I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tesco today complaining because the top shelf was broken and he couldn't keep it up.

    I think he was suffering from a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

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