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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #4576
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.-Terry Pratchett
    Last edited by david44; 14-03-2018 at 03:21 PM.

  2. #4577
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!-Sean Morey
    How much deeper would oceans be without sponges

  3. #4578
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

  4. #4579
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again.- Paris Hilton

  5. #4580
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    Knock knock
    Who’s there?
    Mikey!
    Mikey who?
    Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!

  6. #4581
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    Knock! Knock!
    Who’s there?
    Nana.
    Nana who?
    Nana your business who’s there

  7. #4582
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    Knock, knock
    Who’s there?
    Yukon
    Yukon who?
    Yukon say that again!

  8. #4583
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.

  9. #4584
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    I hate Windows… Just tried to set my password to “mydick” but apparently it’s too short.

  10. #4585
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    People are really strange. When you scream in a library they tell you to shut up but when you do it on an airplane everyone joins in

    Lulu got attacked by a group of mime artists last night. They did unspeakable acts to him

    .Just started reading a book about anti-gravity. Its impossible to put down



  11. #4586
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    Attached Images Attached Images

  12. #4587
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    Me: "I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother".
    Wife: "Awwww that's sweet. What does DNR mean?".

  13. #4588
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    I hate those Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

  14. #4589
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    Although Jesus was known as a carpenter, he never actually sang on any of their albums.

  15. #4590
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    How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Actually the correct term is "replace" .

  16. #4591
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    I finally managed to download the theme music from "Titanic" to my phone, even though some said it was unsyncable.

  17. #4592
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    Smacked the missus on the arse last night.
    "into the bedroom with you wench" I said.
    She giggled "Oh you horny devil"
    "No, seriously" I said. "fuck off, the footy's about to start."

  18. #4593
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    What is white and covers the streets first thing on a winter's morning?


    Employed people.

  19. #4594
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    Red meat is not bad for you
    Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

  20. #4595
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    I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and dogs and people clap and cheer.


    I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.


    Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.
    "In my professional assessment as an intelligence officer, Trump has a reflexive, defensive, monumentally narcissistic personality, for whom the facts and national interest are irrelevant, and the only thing that counts is whatever gives personal advantage and directs attention to himself."

  21. #4596
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."


  22. #4597
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

    A baby seal walks into a club.

    My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

    It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

    I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.


  23. #4598
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”
    The Taxi driver said get stuffed , last time I use Uber Taxidermy

    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

    I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."


    I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I rang her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.




  24. #4599
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    My old grandad used to say, "The grass is always greener on the other side."

    Nice chap, useless at laying turf.

  25. #4600
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    Quote Originally Posted by david44 View Post
    How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
    I don't know... How?

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