Page 183 of 195 FirstFirst ... 83133173175176177178179180181182183184185186187188189190191193 ... LastLast
Results 4,551 to 4,575 of 4859

Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #4551
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Last Online
    24-05-2019 @ 11:01 AM
    Posts
    1,713
    ^UMMM!!!!

  2. #4552
    or TizYou?
    TizMe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Last Online
    Today @ 10:37 AM
    Location
    Bonifacio Global City, Taguig
    Posts
    5,834
    An oxymoron walked into a bar. The silence was deafening.

    A synonym strolls into a tavern.

    At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

    The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

    An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

  3. #4553
    Member
    harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:18 AM
    Posts
    59,114
    I saw this fat bird in the pub last night. I said "My, but you're a big lass".

    She said "Tell me something I don't know".

    I said "Salad tastes nice".

  4. #4554
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Last Online
    26-03-2019 @ 11:28 AM
    Location
    across the street
    Posts
    4,111
    I had a job at a calendar factory but got fired for taking a day off.

  5. #4555
    R.I.P.
    toslti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Last Online
    22-09-2018 @ 07:53 AM
    Location
    Wongamat, Pattaya
    Posts
    2,038
    I went to a marvellous performance by the Bermudan Philharmonic Orchestra last night.
    Unfortunately the guy with the triangle disappeared halfway through.

  6. #4556
    Member
    harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:18 AM
    Posts
    59,114
    The scariest thing you can read in Braille is "Do not touch".

  7. #4557
    or TizYou?
    TizMe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Last Online
    Today @ 10:37 AM
    Location
    Bonifacio Global City, Taguig
    Posts
    5,834
    A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
    -Phyllis Diller

  8. #4558
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Last Online
    26-03-2019 @ 11:28 AM
    Location
    across the street
    Posts
    4,111
    I looked up lighters on eBay. All they had were 9753 matches.

  9. #4559
    Thailand Expat
    VocalNeal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Last Online
    Today @ 08:47 AM
    Location
    Bangkok
    Posts
    11,181
    What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?


    Ones an Australian marsupial, the others a Geordie stuck in a lift.

  10. #4560
    Thailand Expat
    VocalNeal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Last Online
    Today @ 08:47 AM
    Location
    Bangkok
    Posts
    11,181
    Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

    "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

    "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
    Better to think inside the pub, than outside the box?
    I apologize if any offence was caused. unless it was intended.
    You people, you think I know feck nothing; I tell you: I know feck all
    Those who cannot change their mind, cannot change anything.

  11. #4561
    or TizYou?
    TizMe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Last Online
    Today @ 10:37 AM
    Location
    Bonifacio Global City, Taguig
    Posts
    5,834
    I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

  12. #4562
    or TizYou?
    TizMe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Last Online
    Today @ 10:37 AM
    Location
    Bonifacio Global City, Taguig
    Posts
    5,834
    So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.

  13. #4563
    or TizYou?
    TizMe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Last Online
    Today @ 10:37 AM
    Location
    Bonifacio Global City, Taguig
    Posts
    5,834
    I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

  14. #4564
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    15,841
    With self-driving cars becoming more common and intelligent, I'm waiting for a cowboy song where the singer bemoans his truck leaving him too.
    Last edited by Maanaam; 08-03-2018 at 08:40 AM.

  15. #4565
    R.I.P.
    toslti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Last Online
    22-09-2018 @ 07:53 AM
    Location
    Wongamat, Pattaya
    Posts
    2,038
    Teacher asks the class to explain how technology has changed over the past 20 years.
    Claire says "My mum has a phone that can take and send pictures".
    Brian says "My brother has a doorbell that shows him who is at his door and he can see it on his phone".
    Then Little Johnny says "My dad has a bracelet that tells the police if he leaves the house."

  16. #4566
    Member
    harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:18 AM
    Posts
    59,114
    I'm supposed to be cooking flatfish for dinner tonight and I'm running late.

    I'd better get my skates on.

  17. #4567
    POTUS HOCUS
    david44's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Last Online
    03-12-2018 @ 01:21 PM
    Location
    Inner Wrongholia
    Posts
    13,668

    Ken Dodd RIP

    I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.’ ‘I’ve done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted “Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher”. And it was during the bingo.’ ‘Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it.’ ‘I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don’t like to interrupt her.’ ‘Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.’

    Read more: Ken Dodd dead: Sir Ken Dodd's greatest jokes of all time | Metro News
    Twitter: https://twitter.com/MetroUK | Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MetroUK/
    I used to have a job at a calendar factory.
    I got the sack because
    I took a couple of days off.

  18. #4568
    Member
    harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:18 AM
    Posts
    59,114
    I went into a bar and said "What's your wifi password"? The barman said "You have to buy a drink first".

    Cost me 3 quid for a fucking coke. so I said "OK, now what's the wifi password"?

    He said "You have to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lower case".

  19. #4569
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    15,841
    Quote Originally Posted by harrybarracuda View Post
    I'm supposed to be cooking flatfish for dinner tonight and I'm running late.

    I'd better get my skates on.
    I'll plaice a bet that that joke would be the sole joke that flounders.

  20. #4570
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    15,841
    Have you heard of Murphy's Law?
    Yes... Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
    Have you heard of Cole's Law?
    No.
    It's thinly sliced cabbage.

  21. #4571
    R.I.P.
    toslti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Last Online
    22-09-2018 @ 07:53 AM
    Location
    Wongamat, Pattaya
    Posts
    2,038
    I have kleptomania.

    When it gets really bad I have to take something for it.

  22. #4572
    Member
    harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:18 AM
    Posts
    59,114
    I went to the chemist and said "Good morning, do you have anything for a complete loss of voice?".

    He said "Good morning sir, and how can I help you today?".

  23. #4573
    POTUS HOCUS
    david44's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Last Online
    03-12-2018 @ 01:21 PM
    Location
    Inner Wrongholia
    Posts
    13,668
    I’ve just heard your dog meowing. How come?!"
    -
    "Ah yeah, that’s OK! He is just learning a second language."

    and for Tomcat our resident gourmet

    A woman sits in a diner. A cat comes in, buys a chocolate ice cream and leaves.

    The woman is totally astonished, “Wow – that was unusual”.

    The diner manager agrees, “That’s right. She’s never asked for anything else but strawberry before.”




  24. #4574
    POTUS HOCUS
    david44's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Last Online
    03-12-2018 @ 01:21 PM
    Location
    Inner Wrongholia
    Posts
    13,668
    the question a flea often has to ask itself?
    -
    Should I walk or take a dog?

    Life is a like a dogsled team, if you're not top dog you spend your life looking at assholes

    What's the difference between forums and dogs? Dogs lick their own assholes

  25. #4575
    POTUS HOCUS
    david44's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Last Online
    03-12-2018 @ 01:21 PM
    Location
    Inner Wrongholia
    Posts
    13,668
    As you get older you can laugh, sneeze, cough, eat a pie, post at Beer O'Clock and pee at the same time ,What I call multitasking

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 3 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 3 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •