^UMMM!!!!
^UMMM!!!!
An oxymoron walked into a bar. The silence was deafening.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
I saw this fat bird in the pub last night. I said "My, but you're a big lass".
She said "Tell me something I don't know".
I said "Salad tastes nice".
I had a job at a calendar factory but got fired for taking a day off.
I went to a marvellous performance by the Bermudan Philharmonic Orchestra last night.
Unfortunately the guy with the triangle disappeared halfway through.
The scariest thing you can read in Braille is "Do not touch".
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller
I looked up lighters on eBay. All they had were 9753 matches.
What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?
Ones an Australian marsupial, the others a Geordie stuck in a lift.
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
Better to think inside the pub, than outside the box?
I apologize if any offence was caused. unless it was intended.
You people, you think I know feck nothing; I tell you: I know feck all
Those who cannot change their mind, cannot change anything.
I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.
So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.
I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
With self-driving cars becoming more common and intelligent, I'm waiting for a cowboy song where the singer bemoans his truck leaving him too.
Last edited by Maanaam; 08-03-2018 at 08:40 AM.
Teacher asks the class to explain how technology has changed over the past 20 years.
Claire says "My mum has a phone that can take and send pictures".
Brian says "My brother has a doorbell that shows him who is at his door and he can see it on his phone".
Then Little Johnny says "My dad has a bracelet that tells the police if he leaves the house."
I'm supposed to be cooking flatfish for dinner tonight and I'm running late.
I'd better get my skates on.
Ken Dodd RIP
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.’ ‘I’ve done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted “Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher”. And it was during the bingo.’ ‘Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it.’ ‘I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don’t like to interrupt her.’ ‘Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.’
Read more: Ken Dodd dead: Sir Ken Dodd's greatest jokes of all time | Metro News
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I went into a bar and said "What's your wifi password"? The barman said "You have to buy a drink first".
Cost me 3 quid for a fucking coke. so I said "OK, now what's the wifi password"?
He said "You have to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lower case".
Have you heard of Murphy's Law?
Yes... Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
Have you heard of Cole's Law?
No.
It's thinly sliced cabbage.
I have kleptomania.
When it gets really bad I have to take something for it.
I went to the chemist and said "Good morning, do you have anything for a complete loss of voice?".
He said "Good morning sir, and how can I help you today?".
I’ve just heard your dog meowing. How come?!"
-
"Ah yeah, that’s OK! He is just learning a second language."
and for Tomcat our resident gourmet
A woman sits in a diner. A cat comes in, buys a chocolate ice cream and leaves.
The woman is totally astonished, “Wow – that was unusual”.
The diner manager agrees, “That’s right. She’s never asked for anything else but strawberry before.”
the question a flea often has to ask itself?
-
Should I walk or take a dog?
Life is a like a dogsled team, if you're not top dog you spend your life looking at assholes
What's the difference between forums and dogs? Dogs lick their own assholes
As you get older you can laugh, sneeze, cough, eat a pie, post at Beer O'Clock and pee at the same time ,What I call multitasking
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