Page 180 of 187 FirstFirst ... 80130170172173174175176177178179180181182183184185186187 LastLast
Results 4,476 to 4,500 of 4662

Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #4476
    Member
    harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 08:18 PM
    Posts
    50,630
    A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

    I thought, fuck me, I might win this.

  2. #4477
    Member
    harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 08:18 PM
    Posts
    50,630
    So the Interviewer said to me "What would you consider one of your strengths?"

    I said "I can perform under pressure".

    He said "Can you give me an example?"

    Me: "Dum dum dum du-du Dum Dum...Dum dum dum du-du Dum Dum... Under Pressure...."

  3. #4478
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 05:56 PM
    Posts
    2,553
    So the job interviewer said:

    "What do you consider to be your main weakness"

    "Always telling the truth"

    "I dont think telling the truth is a weakness"

    "I dont give a fuck what you think"

  4. #4479
    Thailand Expat
    toslti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 07:55 PM
    Location
    Wongamat, Pattaya
    Posts
    1,948
    My dad always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"
    Great bloke...


    Terrible anaesthetist.

  5. #4480
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 10:40 PM
    Location
    across the street
    Posts
    2,744
    Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up!

  6. #4481
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 05:56 PM
    Posts
    2,553
    Overheard on Hua Hin beach one dark night.

    Is it in ?

    Mai in sand

    Is it in yet ?

    Mai still in sand, falang mao maak

    Is it in now ?

    Mai Mai in sand in sand

    Is that in ?

    Ah yes in now


    Well put it back in the sand.

  7. #4482
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 10:40 PM
    Location
    across the street
    Posts
    2,744
    My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17 year old defendant, who hasn’t been named

  8. #4483
    Thailand Expat
    toslti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 07:55 PM
    Location
    Wongamat, Pattaya
    Posts
    1,948
    There's a new pub drinking game called "Pistorius".

    If someone goes to the toilet, the others get four shots.

  9. #4484
    Thailand Expat
    happynz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Last Online
    Today @ 02:35 AM
    Location
    on the corner of dusty and dustier
    Posts
    6,664
    ...there was the lady hosting a banquet with her butler doing the duties.

    Whilst her Jeeves was hovering behind, she emitted a big one.

    She turned to Jeeves and said "Stop that!"

    "Certainly Ma'am, which way did it go?"​

  10. #4485
    Thailand Expat
    toslti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 07:55 PM
    Location
    Wongamat, Pattaya
    Posts
    1,948
    The NFL announced today that for financial losses due to the disrespect of the National Anthem and America Flag they are eliminating one team from the league.

    They've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team. Causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.

    The new team will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and they have no second string.

  11. #4486
    En route
    Cujo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Last Online
    Today @ 12:40 AM
    Location
    Reality.
    Posts
    26,576
    Remember ladies, if you ask your man to fix something around the house he WILL do it. No need to remind him every 3 months.

  12. #4487
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 10:40 PM
    Location
    across the street
    Posts
    2,744
    People who buy selfie sticks need to take a long look at themselves.

  13. #4488
    Thailand Expat
    crippen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 08:35 PM
    Location
    Korat
    Posts
    5,208
    If a Stork is the bird that brings white babies,
    and a Crow is the bird that brings black babies,

    what is the bird that never brings ANY babies?







    ...a swallow...
    Last edited by crippen; 20-10-2017 at 08:23 PM.

  14. #4489
    Thailand Expat
    crippen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 08:35 PM
    Location
    Korat
    Posts
    5,208
    how do i make the letters white please?

  15. #4490
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 10:40 PM
    Location
    across the street
    Posts
    2,744
    Quote Originally Posted by crippen View Post
    how do i make the letters white please?
    Highlight your text. Click on the Big A, there's a bunch of colors you can choose from. Click on white.

    Attached Images Attached Images

  16. #4491
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 05:56 PM
    Posts
    2,553
    Recent Irish research has found that Irish Coffee contains the 4 essential food groups; Sugar, Fat, Caffeine and alcohol.

  17. #4492
    Sukhumvet
    VocalNeal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 05:33 PM
    Location
    Bangkok
    Posts
    10,493
    Quote Originally Posted by uncle junior View Post
    Highlight your text. Click on the Big A, there's a bunch of colors you can choose from. Click on white.


    Technically, you click on Automatic. That way when we get the Original style back the text will appear black, not white, on the light background.

  18. #4493
    a cookin' an' a bookin' Luigi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Abuja
    Posts
    17,693
    The three biggest lies in the World.


    1. I love you.

    2. It's not you, it's me.

    3. Go on, I won't cum in your mouth.

  19. #4494
    Member
    steevee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Last Online
    02-06-2018 @ 07:19 AM
    Location
    chiang mai
    Posts
    449
    I asked my mother-in-law what she would like for Christmas. She replied ' Just something for the bath would be nice'. So I got her a toaster.

  20. #4495
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 07:24 PM
    Posts
    1,668
    ^ 555!

  21. #4496
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 10:40 PM
    Location
    across the street
    Posts
    2,744
    Why did the man fall down the deep hole?

    He couldn't see that well.

  22. #4497
    Thailand Expat
    toslti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 07:55 PM
    Location
    Wongamat, Pattaya
    Posts
    1,948
    Two guys were lying in their hospital beds waiting to go to theatre. One asked the other: "What are you in for?"
    He answered: " an endoscopy"
    "What's that?" the first one asked.
    "They put a tube down your throat into your stomach to check for ulcers and cancer. What are you in for?"
    "A camera up my backside."
    "Ah! That's a colonoscopy" said the first guy.
    "No" said the other, "My wife caught me taking pictures of our next door neighbour sunbathing in the nude."

  23. #4498
    Member
    harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 08:18 PM
    Posts
    50,630
    My wife has just announced that's she's leaving me because I'm too immature.

    How could she do that right in the middle of conker season?

  24. #4499
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    3,420
    Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
    "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
    "German," she replies.
    "Occupation?
    "No, just here for a few days."

  25. #4500
    Thailand Expat
    toslti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 07:55 PM
    Location
    Wongamat, Pattaya
    Posts
    1,948
    Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

    Stirling Moss.
    Lewis Hamilton.
    Eddie Irvine.
    Ayr Town centre.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •