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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #4476
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    A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

    I thought, fuck me, I might win this.

  2. #4477
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    So the Interviewer said to me "What would you consider one of your strengths?"

    I said "I can perform under pressure".

    He said "Can you give me an example?"

    Me: "Dum dum dum du-du Dum Dum...Dum dum dum du-du Dum Dum... Under Pressure...."

  3. #4478
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    So the job interviewer said:

    "What do you consider to be your main weakness"

    "Always telling the truth"

    "I dont think telling the truth is a weakness"

    "I dont give a fuck what you think"

  4. #4479
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    My dad always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"
    Great bloke...


    Terrible anaesthetist.

  5. #4480
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    Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up!

  6. #4481
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    Overheard on Hua Hin beach one dark night.

    Is it in ?

    Mai in sand

    Is it in yet ?

    Mai still in sand, falang mao maak

    Is it in now ?

    Mai Mai in sand in sand

    Is that in ?

    Ah yes in now


    Well put it back in the sand.

  7. #4482
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    My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17 year old defendant, who hasn’t been named

  8. #4483
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    There's a new pub drinking game called "Pistorius".

    If someone goes to the toilet, the others get four shots.

  9. #4484
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    ...there was the lady hosting a banquet with her butler doing the duties.

    Whilst her Jeeves was hovering behind, she emitted a big one.

    She turned to Jeeves and said "Stop that!"

    "Certainly Ma'am, which way did it go?"​

  10. #4485
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    The NFL announced today that for financial losses due to the disrespect of the National Anthem and America Flag they are eliminating one team from the league.

    They've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team. Causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.

    The new team will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and they have no second string.

  11. #4486
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    Remember ladies, if you ask your man to fix something around the house he WILL do it. No need to remind him every 3 months.

  12. #4487
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    People who buy selfie sticks need to take a long look at themselves.

  13. #4488
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    If a Stork is the bird that brings white babies,
    and a Crow is the bird that brings black babies,

    what is the bird that never brings ANY babies?







    ...a swallow...
    Last edited by crippen; 20-10-2017 at 08:23 PM.

  14. #4489
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    how do i make the letters white please?

  15. #4490
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    Quote Originally Posted by crippen View Post
    how do i make the letters white please?
    Highlight your text. Click on the Big A, there's a bunch of colors you can choose from. Click on white.

    Attached Images Attached Images

  16. #4491
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    Recent Irish research has found that Irish Coffee contains the 4 essential food groups; Sugar, Fat, Caffeine and alcohol.

  17. #4492
    Sukhumvet
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    Quote Originally Posted by uncle junior View Post
    Highlight your text. Click on the Big A, there's a bunch of colors you can choose from. Click on white.


    Technically, you click on Automatic. That way when we get the Original style back the text will appear black, not white, on the light background.

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