Thread: Quick Jokes

How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.

I asked my vet. “What can I do about my dog he keeps barking at the Asian man next door?”
“Muzzle him”?
I said “I don’t know but he does have a beard”

In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them. It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar, and pile cream on top.

A word to the wise - pile cream tastes disgusting.

^, ^^ well done men.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

A wise man once said “You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag.”

Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a toss, he’s still going.

I’ve just watched the Simpsons and realised it’s a load of bollocks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

Now he’s dead, they’re making a film of Eddie Stobart’s life story. I’ve just seen the trailer.

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast.

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I’ve been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don’t you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft twat.

Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line. She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said “Wave” they legged it!

Interesting sperm fact.

Umm...you read this thread for facts?

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line. She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

Fcuk is offensive to us dyslexics you cnuts

Originally Posted by cyrille

Umm...you read this thread for facts?

Whatever harry posts is a fact, get with the program!

I'm fairly certain the author plucked that number from the air...

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!



What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

What is the difference between a jog around the village and Gordon Ramsay?

Well - One is a pant in the country...

A new survey has found that the most popular Australian state is drunkenness.

^ A version of? "There are only two states to be in. Drunk and Queensland.

Another recent survey found that 96.3% of Arabs who have screwed a camel prefer goats.

I was on the bus and in front of me was a woman with her small child. The child peered over the back of the seat and began making faces at me. After a while I remarked

"Did you know that if you keep doing that your face will set that way and you won't be able to change it?"

The obnoxious little sod said

"Yes, I know that. And you can't say that you weren't warned!"

My friend gave me his Epi-pen as he lay dying, it seemed important to him that I have it

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.

It was a ridiculously long name.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


'Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing'



A palindrome walks into a bar, says "Yasraba Otni Sklawem Ordnilapa".



Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Bat Man

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and
Johnny Cash.

Now the USA has no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

What do you get when you cross an ASSHOLE with TOILET PAPER?


CHICO reborn.