Thread: Quick Jokes

I always thought growing old would take longer.

...and #1 in the Issarn Hit Parade today is ' She left me for another Kai'.................

Bike for Prayut , The Date has been set for 1/04/2559 and already the troops have been out training for the big day

https://www.facebook.com/homeofloves...1945653907877/

Thai special forces...

The jersey I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

A little boy walks in on his mother while she is taking a shower, points to her crotch and says "Mommy, what's that?"
She says, "That's where God struck me with his Golden Ax."
He says, "Damn.... Got you right in the snatch."

Originally Posted by MrG

A little boy walks in on his mother while she is taking a shower, points to her crotch and says "Mommy, what's that?"
She says, "That's where God struck me with his Golden Ax."
He says, "Damn.... Got you right in the snatch."

An oldy but crap.
I've always thought that one silly. If he knows it's a snatch why's he pointing at it and asking what it is?

^
That's the joke.

In my day it was the "knut".

Sister Mary, a newly minted nun, marches angrily across the convent grounds with her hands balled in a fist, crosses the patio where workmen are fixing a plumbing problem and barges into Mother Superior's office.
"Mother Superior, you simply have to tell those workmen to stop using the vile, obscene language while they are working here".

Mother Superior says, "Now Sister Mary, you must understand that they mean no harm. These are hard working men of the earth and they are accustomed to calling a spade a spade".

"No they don't. They call it a fuckin' shovel"

Originally Posted by toslti

The jersey I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

hehe.

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

I've always been unlucky. Like the time I was going to Northern Ireland during the troubles and thought I'd buy myself a bulletproof vest.
Stepped off the boat at Belfast and a Leprechaun shot me up the arse

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"

Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

^
Very good 5555

I got a sweater for Christmas.

Pity.

What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner!

I just phoned my wife and said, "Our dog had her puppies this morning."

"Oh, wow!" she said. "How many are in the litter?"

I said, "All of them, and the binman's just been."

My girlfriend used Vaseline on a hand job today.

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

^^ My girlfriend reckons I'm a stalker. Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.

I used to have a psychic girlfriend but she broke up with me before we met.

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Wife texts her handy husband on a cold

winter morning:

"WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN"

Husband texts back:

"GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES

AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER"

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW."