Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by Neo

Talking of old ones...

Guy goes into a bar and orders 5 double whiskies.
Barman says 'whats troubling you?'
Guy says 'just found out my youngest son is gay'

A week later same guy walks into the bar and orders 10 double whiskies.
Barman says 'whats troubling you now?'
Guy says 'just found out my other son is gay'

Another week later same guy walks into the bar and asks for a whole bottle of whisky.
Barman says 'jeez pal isn't anyone in your family getting any pussy?'
The guy says 'yeah... my wife!'

A young lad walks into a bar and orders six treble whiskies. As soon as they arrive he wallops them all down. "What's all that about?" says the barman.

"Well I just had my first blow job" says the lad.

"Oh congratulations son!" says the barman, "here have one on the house!".

"No thanks", says the lad, "if that doesn't take the taste away, nothing will.

My wife came home unexpectedly to find me up to my nuts in her twin who was bent over the kitchen table.
"Honey, oh my god, I can explain. I'd never do anything to hurt you. I thought it was you"
"He looks nothing like me" she replied

Got a bit bored the other night, spent a bit of time randomly searching the internet, I came across the following webpage - conjunctivitis.com.

I thought, wow, now there is a site for sore eyes........

I was walking through Birkenhead last week and a woman aksed me "Are you looking for a good time?"
I said "Sorry love I've only got a fiver on me."

She said "It's alright I've got change"

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

Why do prostitutes make more money than drug dealers?

Because they can wash their crack and sell it again!

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?
A very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a fucking cat at home!

^ Made I larf.


One of my mates told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

Which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say. It ruined our bath.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway

Originally Posted by nora tittoff

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway

I was stuck in a traffic jam and this bloke knocked on the window and said "There's a paki bloke up there threatening to pour petrol over his head and set light to himself because he's lost all his money, so we're having a whip round for him".

"How much have you got so far?" I asked.

"About six gallons".

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

And I'm thinking, "Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

If you subscribe to CTH TV you know when it is raining in Vietnam

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.

Originally Posted by nidhogg

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.

OMG, I'm sorry to say that I am the same way. 555 Tried to green you.

Originally Posted by Eliminator

Originally Posted by nidhogg

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.

OMG, I'm sorry to say that I am the same way. 555 Tried to green you.

But forgot how to do it?

I must be getting older. Lately, all I'm looking for is a one-night sit.

Originally Posted by nidhogg

I must be getting older. Lately, all I'm looking for is a one-night sit.

Classic.

Two Irish friends leave the pub.
One says to other, "I can't be bothered to walk all the way home."
His mate says "I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home."
"We could steal a bus from the depot", says the first chap.
So they arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, "What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?"
"I can't find a number 91"
"Oh for goodness sake, take the number 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout."

Q: Why do ex-NSA officers make the best taxi drivers?

A: Because you only need to tell them your name and they’ll already know where you live!

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

An oldy but a goody.

Northeners are injecting ecstacy into the grooves around the teeth....e by gum

I like to have opinions about things I know nothing about, it make me feel American.