Thread: Quick Jokes

With hindsight I should have posted my Faceboook status as; "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford" rather than "I've just f*cked a 13 year old escort"
Still I don't get out much and a few hours at the police station made a nice change!

`I bought this budgie...I went to a pet shop and bought him a cage, a mirror, a ladder, a bell, a string and ball, a little plank to walk on, a bath.....

Then, a few days later I found him lying on his back, gasping!

I said, `little Budgie, please don`t die! I bought you a cage, a mirror, a ladder, a bell, a string and ball, a plank to walk on , a bath....I bought you everything that money can buy......Don`t do this to me, don`t die!!!!Why are you lying on your back??? (sob).

Then the budgie looked up at and croaked his final croak....
`That pet shop where you bought the cage, the mirror, the string and ball, the bell, the ladder, the bath........
Was there any food there?`

Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds
worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8
cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's
bird in the shower.

Statistically, you are four times more likely to get stabbed in London than any other UK city.
There are six times as many Pakis in Birmingham than any other UK city.
And the most unclean city in England is Blackpool.

So overall, the shittest place to live-
-is still Liverpool

I've decided not to award any Christmas bonuses to my Muslim employees this year. I will only be awarding them to the non Muslims.
This is for the same reason that we have been made to take down all our christmas decorations at work.

It's just far to Christmasy for them. And they may get offended by it.

A chap was on his way to the premature ejaculation clinic. He came on the bus.

I was wondering if Liverpool's year as "Capital of Culture" had paid any dividends when I saw a poor guy being held up at knife point.
"Is this a dagger I see before me?" he asked.

I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took the wife into 8 different pubs without getting a drink, and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

Took a dyslexic bird home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day.
All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani
blood.
It's not as bad as it sounds
I now have a 12 inch cock, and I am top of the housing list.

Blonde walks into a dry cleaners with a pair of stained white trousers,
and hands them over to the assistant.
As she is heading for the door the assistant says "Thank You, Come
Again"
Blonde replies "No, toothpaste this time".

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and
realised she was just on standby.

Just fostered a Muslim kid.
All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke
All I said was, golly you're tall.

Last week me and this Pakistani from work decided to have a moustache
and beard growing competition.
I still can't believe she won.

Couple driving home and run over a Badger, they get out to find it was
still breathing but very cold.
Husband says "put it between your legs to warm it up"
Wife replies "but it`s all wet and it stinks"
Husband replies.." well hold the Badgers nose then!"

Gary Glitter is in Chile now.
Only place where you can get a minor to slide up & down your shaft,& get
applauded.

A man was caught masturbating in a newsagents.
Apparently it's all over the papers.

They've had to cancel the panto 'jack & the beanstalk',in
Birmingham,Oldham,Bradford,Burnley,Leicester & Luton:
because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Just bought a racehorse called "My Face".
It may not be any good but I cant wait to hear all the women in crowd
screaming
'come on my face'.

Once upon a time, a man asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!'
The man lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, went fishing and
hunting and played golf.
Drank beer and whiskey, had tons of money in the bank, left the toilet
seat up, and farted whenever he wanted.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works a treat!

What have fat birds and mopeds got in common.
They're both fun to ride, until some one sees you on one

Man goes into a girlie bar and tells the MamaSan he wants a girl - fat ,saggy tits, hair under her arms , a moustache , stinks like a polecat and tells lies ! Mamasan said are you kinky or what ?
Man said - no just homesick !

Kate middleton asked the queen 4 advise on how 2 ave a successful marriage? The queen replied, wear a seat belt n dont piss me off.

Originally Posted by daveboy

You wont hear from me for a while. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables so I need to lilo.

I won't hold it against you for being a pom,,, I'll just have to talk slower!!

I had my first night with my new Thai bride. I got into foreplay and was sucking her off when I thought,.... "Hang on a fuckin minute..."

A prostitute told me I could have sex for £10 as she didn't have a womb !! I asked how we would do it then. She said 'acwos the woad against the wailings'...

Went out Friday night to a charity disco in aid of women born without legs, great night out the place was crawling with fanny.

Originally Posted by daveboy

Kate Middleton. The first thing to squeeze into Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.

Now that is funny DB...


Michael Jackson reckons his wife got him into all that kiddy trouble,,,
She told him to go upstairs & TUCK the children in bed.

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I
know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude
and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago
but I don't know where I am.'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is
probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my f**king fault.'

What's the difference between an American girl and an Arab girl?

American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.

A woman with a clipboard just knocked at our door.
She asked me if we would have an Ethiopian child for Christmas.
We normally have a turkey but, fuck it, I'll try anything once.

Albino, can't say fairer than that!

Woman goes into a record shop and says, 'do you have Jingle Bells on 7 inch?' Young lad says, 'no but I've got dangly balls on a 9 inch!' Woman says, 'that's not a record is it?' Lad says, 'its not fuckin bad for a 16 yr old!'

The Christmas meeting of the Paranoid Homophobe Spiritualist Association was sent into panic and disarray yesterday when someone shouted "He's behind you"

What is brown and rhymes with snoop?

















Dr Dre!